Comedic Prose

Too Early to apologize to Justin Masterson?

Kortney Williams — Mon, 20 May 2013 18:50:39 +0000

Famously, or rather infamously or maybe unfamously – I don’t know what you call it when no one reads the article you wrote – I wrote an article in which I proposed the idea of putting Justin Masterson on a pontoon boat, and having it lost at sea. He was the center of the Cleveland indians’ horrible pitching staff, and I wanted him gone.

So far this year he has been pitching great. So it’s only right that I asked the question, “Is it too early for me to apologize about the whole having him lost at sea thing?” My first thought is, ”Hell yeah it is too soon! This is Justin Masterson were talking about. He has this weird Rick James kind of quality about him. As soon as you think everything is okay, he’ll come in your house and rub his dirty shoes into your couch.

At the same time this is 2013 Justin Masterson. This guy grinds his feet into the opponents couch.

It’s only a month and a half into the season and he has beat 3 of the last 4 Cy Young award winners. Masterson has firmly supplanted Ubaldo Jiménez as the number one starter in the Cleveland Indians rotation. His stuff looks great, and he seems to be gaining confidence game by game. I can’t believe I’m saying this – especially after the whole pontoon boat thing – but it looks like the Indians could actually be good with him as the anchor in the starting rotation. With that being said this is Justin Masterson we’re t talking about. I fully expect his Rick James side to show up at anytime. Lets just hope he self-combust sometime after October.

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

See how Miguel went WFF at the Billboard Awards

Kortney Williams — Mon, 20 May 2013 08:58:13 +0000

By now you should have seen my boy Miguel, and how he went Summer Slam on the entire front row at the Billboard Awards. Personally I blame the entire thing on Chris Brown. But there’s no need for me to continue my diatribe. Watch the video below.

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane
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Time to question Derrick Rose’s mental toughness

Kortney Williams — Mon, 06 May 2013 11:00:35 +0000

At the risk of being struck down I’m going to question the mental toughness of Chicago Bulls’ star Derrick Rose.
There are unwritten rules in sports: You don’t talk about a perfect while one is being pitched, you don’t hit a man below the belt without apologizing vehemently, never bet on a team from the Northwest in a big game, and don’t question a player that says they are injured. The last rule has been the crutch Derrick Rose has leaned on throughout this season. However when he was cleared to return to action that crutch was removed. So it’s only right that we question why the hell he’s not playing.
Since Derrick Rose has been cleared to play, many people have been making excuses for why he hasn’t returned to game action. The main excuse is that mentaly he’s not ready. Which is a valid excuse, especially when you consider Rose’s game. In order to play with the type of reckless abandon that he plays with, you have to be confident in your body. At the same time, if he’s been cleared for 2 months, and he’s still not confident enough to play. You have to ask the question, “Will he ever be confident?”
The mythology that surrounds Derrick Rose is interesting. He’s always held up as, “The humble MVP. “The superstar that everyone wants on their team.” “The guy that will do things the right way, and give everything to win.” These sentiments now sound funny, given the current situation. Personally it makes me question the validity of the statements, and his mental toughness. Perhaps he’s not this unflappable player. Instead maybe he’s an elite NBA player who’s confidence has been shaken.

IFF (IFF means, if and only if. It’s probably the only thing I learned after 3 years of Calculus) Derrick Rose is healthy, there is no reason why he shouldn’t be on the court. He has had over a year to rehab both his knee and his head. Now it’s time to play. By sitting out he is slowly losing the good will he built up during his fradulent MVP season (I have already outlined my stance on the 2011 MVP. The voters decided to have a referendum on LeBron James, because of the way he handled his free agency. He should have won the award, but instead it was given to Rose. That decision lokks worse with every passing year, especially since it’s the only MVP James hasn’t won in the last 5 seasons). If he still can’t get over this injury mentally after a year of rehab. You have to start questioning whether he will ever get over it. Maybe this will be known as the injury that forever altered his career? Or maybe Derrick Rose will finally step up and play during the second round of the playoffs? We will just have to see if he can get his mind right.

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

Want to learn about up my coming live shows?

Kortney Williams — Sun, 28 Apr 2013 06:09:31 +0000

To find out about upcoming live shows go to http://kortneyshanewilliams.com/and fill out a contact form. Or just click here it will take you to the form that you were too lazy to click there.
Make sure to check kortneyshanewilliams.com and Comedic Prose regularly for all my news updates and going ons.

Thanks hope to see you at a show

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane
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The fix! How Mike Brown got back to the Cleveland Cavaliers*

Kortney Williams — Sat, 27 Apr 2013 00:01:02 +0000

Mike Brown is back in the NBA as the head coach of the Cleveland Cavaliers! How wonderful is that? I get to see Mike Brown on the sideline again.

Nothing makes me happier than seeing Mike Brown pacing the sideline, with that confused, yet puzzled-happy look on his face. It’s the exact same look you have when you’re not sure if you left your lights on in the car, but you’re reassured knowing that you have jumper cables in the trunk. I don’t know how often we will get that confused, yet puzzled-happy look with LeBron is no longer in town. At the same time, the Cavaliers no longer have Eric Snow, Larry Hughes, and Sasha Pavlović. So there’s still plenty of reason to look happy. The question is, what has Mike Brown gotten himself into.

The Cleveland Cavaliers may seem like a bad job from the outside. They’re one of the youngest teams in the league and haven’t won 30 games in the last 3 seasons. They’re also injury prone team, and a team that has a hard time luring free agents. However, this young team has been through the meat grinder and they are starting to show progress. The Cavaliers are a team that is on the precipice of being a perennial playoffs and possible championship contender if they make good moves. They have a point guard in Kyrie Irving that is a potential superstar, and a lot of cap room to build around him (cap room that could end up luring you know who back to Cleveland). However the thing that makes the job most attractive is Cleveland Cavaliers’ owner Dan Gilbert.

When Dan Gilbert wrote that letter a few years ago in comic sans font, he became a punch line. While hespoke for a vast majority of people in Cleveland. His letter was seen as petulant, and slightly racist. I believe that single instant has overshadowed how great of an owner Dan Gilbert is.

It easy to say that he didn’t do enough to build around LeBron James when he was in Cleveland, especially when you juxtapose it to his situation in Miami. However every year he spared no expense trying to win. He brought in big free agents, traded for players, and even changed coaches. This behavior has continued since LeBron’s departure, and he has openly acknowledged the mistakes he made during that time. Now he has rehired Mike Brown (who should have never been fired in the first place), and it looks as if the team is back on track. Now while I believe the best part about the Cleveland Cavaliers is ownership. I’m pretty sure at least one person will disagree with me…Byron Scott.

The fix was in for Byron Scott. There was nothing he could have done to keep his job. He could have found fresh water on Mars, and would have still gotten fired.

I wasn’t shocked when Byron Scott got fired, because I had connected the dots surrounding his dismissal.

About two weeks before the end of the season. A story came out that talked about the possibility of him being on the chopping block. In the moment I thought, “Huh, I’m sure he’s going to get another year. He’s coaching a young basketball that is slowly improving, and they have already picked up his option for next year….then again. This team isn’t responding defensively and they continue to blow double digit leads in the fourth quarter. Heck, me and some people from the YMCA could put up 90 on Cavaliers. And all Byron Scott would do is peruse the sideline in one of those Gucci suits, while not saying a word.” Then the day Scott got fired immediately reports began to surface about the idea of Mike Brown replacing him. On the surface it seems like a covenant coincidence, but I argue that it was a fix.

The Cavaliers never wanted to fire Mike Brown in the first place. They only got rid of him in hopes that LeBron James would stay. This is a decision they always regretted, especially when the team continued to regress defensively. So while the Cavaliers picked up Byron Scott’s option, with every intent on keeping him. They never saw the possibility that Mike Brown would be fired mid-season by the Lakers. Because Mike Brown was friends with the Cleveland Cavaliers’ GM, they knew they would have a shot to hire him at the end of the season. Consequently Bryon Scott was backed into a corner. If the Cavaliers weren’t able to make the playoffs he would be replaced by Mike Brown. So at the end of the season, with the doom solidified. The Cavaliers’ front office floated the story about the possibility of Byron Scott being fired. They followed that up by firing Scott less than 24 hours after the season expired. That same day a report surfaced that Mike Brown and his family had planned on moving back the Cleveland months ago. Next the Cavaliers pursue Phil Jackson to throw off the scent, while having a handshake deal with Mike Brown. Two days later Mike Brown is introduced as, “Mike Brown 2.0″and the children rejoiced.

Meanwhile Byron Scott came out in a phone interview in which he said, “I don’t think I got a fair shake.” To that I would say, “You’re right Byron you didn’t get a fair shake, but you’re a good coach that will probably get another job within a year. Trust me. If you’re discourage just remember. This is a league that continues to hire Flip Saunders.”

So what does the hiring of Mike Brown me?

It means that Mike Brown will continue to have a very good coaching record in NBA. Somehow he has been able to avoid situations that would have him lose a bunch of games. He got to Cleveland when LeBron was ready to win. Then he left Cleveland at the perfect time, and parlayed his success into a job with the L.A. Lakers. He took the 2012 Lakers to the playoffs when they were still salvageable. Now he is back with the Cleveland Cavaliers. A team that is now ready to go to the playoffs. I don’t know if Mike Brown will be the best overall fit for this club long term, but I do know him being here is a good sign.

*Full of Unapologetic Cleveland Bias

Brazilian Meat Feast (All You Can Eat style)

Kortney Williams — Mon, 15 Apr 2013 00:18:34 +0000

I’ve heard mystical stories of Brazilian restaurants that would feed you an unlimited amount of meat. All you had to do is pay a flat rate, and they would bring you meat by the wheel barrow.

I remember when my brother told me a story of such a place. He said they brought him meat until he ripped a hole through his underpants. And even after he told them that his underpants were torn, and he couldn’t take any more. They tried to entice him to eat more meat. They actually brought in the girl that danced in Big Boi’s The Way You Move video, and had her serenade him with a cheesesteak. I couldn’t believe that that story was true…until.

Yesterday I finally went to one of those mystical Brazilian restaurants, and I too, ripped through my underpants.

I had no idea that the meat would be so free. I was expecting hamburgers and hotdogs, with perhaps the option to upgrade. However, not only did they not have hotdogs, but they upgraded me for free. I had my choice of Flank Steak, Top Sirloin, and Filet Mignon.

I ate all the meat I could. By the end of the dinner I waddled out of the restaurant like the poster child for what a glutton is (I kind of started to resemble that fat guy that died in seven). So it’s needless to say I had a good time…until. I woke up in the middle of the night with the stomach pain of a woman in her 4^th trimester. I literally thought every organ in my body was hemorrhaging Au Jus. I repented to God for my actions, hoping that he would allow me to fall back to sleep. But even God said, “…drunkards and gluttons become poor…”, and I was both of those things last night. So I had no shot.

Somehow I ended up falling asleep, and as of 5pm PST, things feel back to normal. However it wouldn’t surprise me if I woke up disheveled, in a warehouse, sitting at the end of a long table full of Flank Steak, Top Sirloins, and Filets. With a note hanging from the ceiling that said, “Pull me.” And when that note was pulled a voice would come on in stereo and say, “I want to play a game. (Saw style)”

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

I’m not buying MLB 2K13…I want The Show on Xbox

Kortney Williams — Sat, 06 Apr 2013 21:45:24 +0000

I love sports video games. As a matter of fact that’s basically all I play. My favorite producer of games have been 2k sports. I have bought their products since their incarnation on Sega Dreamcast. That’s right I had a Sega Dreamcast when everyone was rocking a PlayStation. As a matter fact I still have the Dreamcast, and may fire up a game of Sonic 3D Blast tonight.
So I’m partial to 2k sports, which makes it well with in my right to say, “I will not buy mlb 2k13!”
I know everyone has been sitting on the edge of their seat waiting for this announcement, so I had to make a statement. While I have liked the previous versions of this franchise. Over the last 3 years there has been no evolution worth paying $60 for. As a matter of fact 2k13 is exactly like 2k12, only with updated rosters. So while I love playing with the true quality of the players in the game, it’s not worth the money. Especially when MLB The Show has everything you want and cost $60 as well.
Question…why does The Show have to be a PlayStation only game? It’s clearly the best baseball title. Why not put it on both systems. There should be a Mitchell investigation and a congressional hearing on why this can’t be done. If that title were available on Xbox, it would out sell the 2k title. It would be nice to have a PlayStation, but who buys a system just to play one game? Instead lets start a petition to get The Show on Xbox. I will head the movement with this post.

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

“David Letterman – Kevin Ware Top Ten”

Kortney Williams — Sat, 06 Apr 2013 20:26:42 +0000

Kevin Ware of the Louisville Cardinal’s basketball team, broke his leg in one of the most horrific sports injuries ever. So what do you do? Put out a top 10 list of course.

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane
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Don’t jump on Cleveland’s LeBron Hater bandwagon (Miami style)

Kortney Williams — Thu, 28 Mar 2013 20:03:10 +0000

The Miami Heat and LeBron James lost last night. That’s right people that live under a rock, spoiler alert; the second longest streak in the history of the NBA has come to an end. This means there will be no record breaking history, so go ahead and pop bottles Jerry West, because Lord knows I am.

I haven’t celebrated a loss this much since the last time the Heat lost. I though all my basketball pleasure was focused on Ohio State’s run to the Final Four. Come to find out, I had a tank full of bile that waiting to explode the minute LeBron James lost a game.1 And explode it did. As soon as I saw my boy Kirk Hendrick give Chris Bosh a MEAT session. I pronounced the game over, and began popping celebratory cans of Miller High Life. I had a smile that would make the Grinch that Stole Christmas jealous, and I have a feeling I wasn’t alone.

We have some hypocrisy out in the fan circle. When LeBron James was in Cleveland, everybody and their momma was a Cavalier fan. Then he left Cleveland and publicly dedicated on the city. What followed was hatred towards the Miami Heat by every fan base outside of Miami. To the point where Derrick Rose was able to win a fraudulent MVP – in case you don’t remember who Derrick Rose is. He’s the guy that won’t play after being cleared from injury a month ago-. Then LeBron won another MVP, the Heat won a championship, and followed that up with a historic win streak. That’s when all those frauds that claim they hated the Heat jumped into Miami’s boat like a free Carnival Cruise ride. Now Heat fans had a problem with this, and I do to.

The biggest sports fan crime is being a hypocrite. If you dislike a team now, you must dislike them forever. Unless they end up employing someone close to you, in which case you can root for them as long as that person is employed. Please note: Now those are not hard rules

Now maybe the flip flopping frauds were LeBron fans all along, and they felt guilted into hating on. Those people are welcome to go back. But to those people and all the people that were just administering fake hate, don’t you dare try to dip you toe back into the hate filled Cleveland fan cesspool. We don’t need you, plus you’re tainting the water.

So let it be clear. Cleveland sports fans don’t like LeBron James, the athlete. Consequently we want nothing more than the Miami Heat to lose every game they play. This will continue unless he comes back to Cleveland. During which time we will burry our hate like a single mother when her ex-husband comes by tie house to visit the kids.

1. Please note even though I have hate for the Heat. Its origin and owner is LeBron James the basketball player. The Miami Heat just get the strap metal.

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

If Ohio State doesn’t make the Final Four, they’ve underachieved

Kortney Williams — Wed, 27 Mar 2013 10:00:09 +0000

I still can’t belive what I saw at the end of Ohio States’ game against Iowa State. You could have told me that Aaron Craft would step up at the end of the game to make a big shot. However if you told me that shot would be a 3 pointer after he had waived off the leading scorer in the Big Ten (Deshaun Thomas). I woukd have said, “My boy Aaron Craft must have been feeling it. On a Rick James in the 80s type of level. He must have been slapping the other team around (MEAT style).”

Aaron Craft against Iowa State

While I didn’t believe that Aaron Craft had a bad game, I must admit that the egg was in the building. And when I say in the building I mean on the sideline about to take his warm ups off, and saddle up next to Craft on the free throw line.

Wow!! Aaron Craft was terrible on the free throw line at the end of that game. I know Nick Anderson was watching that scared, thinking that Craft would take his title of, “I’m missing all these free throws, because and I can’t stop spitting up on my shirt.” At one point I was praying the referee confused him with someone else and let them take the free throws.

In addition to the missed free throws, he made some illadvised ball handling mistakes that some people said (everyone that was watching the game on twitter) was a sign that he was choking. To that I would say, it’s little presumptuous to call a couple bad plays choking. Yes, he made some errors, but it’s not like he was throwing the ball to the other team. He made bad plays while being aggressive, which is forgivable.

But none of that matters now, because Aaron Craft went Sam Cassell at the end of the game. The only thing that could have made it better was if he ripped off his shirt and started doing the testicle dance.

Ohio State Must Make the Final Four

Usually I don’t heap pressure on Ohio State, because I believe in sports jinxes ( My most recent jinx was when I called my grandmother during halftime of the Cavaliers – Heat game to celebrate breaking Miami’s streak. Only to be reminded a quarter later that the Cavs are playing a D-League roster). However when the brackets came out I noticed that the west region had the weakest of all the at-large teams outside of Wisconsin. Now that Wisconsin is gone and Gonzaga has done their Gonzaga impersonation. The Ohio State Buckeyes have a clear path to the Final Four in which they will be favored in every game. So while I don’t think they are one of the best four teams left in the tournament, if they don’t make the Final Four this will be a choke.

Now lets see if they can Aaron Craft their way out of it.

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

Top 5 NFL draft busts, 1998 – 2008

Seth Lazear — Thu, 14 Mar 2013 11:43:16 +0000

Everyone likes a good draft bust, the hype, the hope, the shame, and the blame.

They get GM’s fired and ammo to opposing fans to hold over someone’s head forever. There have been dozens over the years, but these five stick out as legendary.

The criteria I used is: overall performance, who was picked after them, and overall strength of that draft.

I chose this time frame because it takes about 5 years to judge a draft. And hopefully, your team isn’t one of them.

5. Robert Gallery, OT, Oakland Raiders, #2 overall 2004

Technically, Gallery hasn’t had a bad career. He was a solid guard for a few years, and was a starter. Coming out of college, he was hyped as a quick footed tackle who a team could plug in and forget about the position for a decade. At Iowa, Robert was a 2 time all American, and his performance and measurables all screamed franchise tackle.

So why is he my 5th biggest bust? Look who was taken in the next 6 picks: Larry Fitzgerald, Phillip Rivers, Sean Taylor, Kellen Winslow, Roy Williams, DeAngelo Hall. All pro bowl players, all positions the Raiders could have used at the time. They could have used a franchise QB (we’ll get to that later) to follow Rich Gannon, and Rivers and Roethlisberger were still on the board. Imagine a backfield of Asomugha and Hall or Taylor, they’d be the best defensive backfield for years to come. Larry Fitz learning under Jerry Rice and Tim Brown? He’d not only match the Canton bound play that he has done, but somehow be better. Even the soldier Kellen Winslow or the talented but misused Roy Williams would have been better then the also ran Gallery.

It was a strong draft, and unfortunately, the Raiders whiffed badly.

4. Ryan Leaf, QB, San Diego Chargers, #2 overall 1998

Mr. Bust has been the poster boy for draft busts, so why isn’t he #1?

First, the Chargers had no chance at Peyton Manning. He was going #1 no matter what. Second, the next 3 QB’s taken were Charlie Batch, Jonathan Quinn, and Brian Griese, hardly franchise guys. Also, the next five picks were Andre Wadsworth, Charles Woodson, Curtis Enis, Grant Winstrom, Kyle Turley, so the draft itself was up and down.

But when you throw in the whining, the numbers, and the fact that he thought that he knew more then his coaches, he well deserved the title of Mr. Bust. However, there has been worse.

3. Charles Rogers, WR, Detroit Lions, #2 overall 2003

Matt Millen is the worst GM in NFL history, and it took Isiah Thomas to not label Matt as the worst GM in all sports.

Charles was labeled as the next Randy Moss. Physically, he was all there. Except for his collar bone. He could break it while chewing gum. Also, the immediate next pick was Andre Johnson. Rogers’ best year, he had 22 catches, 243 yards, and 3 TD’s. Andre Johnson’s best GAME, he had 14 catches, 273 yards, and a TD.

Oh yeah, Charles admitted that he smoked pot everyday while he was in the NFL. Not what you want as a stud WR.

2. Gerard Warren, DT, Cleveland Browns, #3 overall

The Browns have been the unluckiest drafting team, and also the worst. Tim Couch, Courtney Brown, William Green, or anyone not named Joe Thomas have been busts or have done their best work for other teams. Year after year the owners have chosen the wrong head coaches, GM’s, all the way to the stadium security (see Jacksonville game where the refs stopped the game because the fans were too rowdy).

So what makes Gerard Warren, a journeyman DT stick out among the loads of bad decisions?

First, it was probably the best overall draft since Aikman, Barry Sanders, Deion Sanders, and Derrick Thomas were taken with 4 of the first 5 picks. Second, the D-linemen taken after him were Justin Smith, Richard Seymour, Andre Carter, Casey Hampton, Marcus Stroud, and Ryan Pickett, and they have all had very solid, mostly spectacular careers (Jamal Reynolds and Damione Lewis were also taken, but stick with me). Third, LaDainian Tomlinson was taken 2 pick after him, and he is a first ballot hall of famer. 17 Pro Bowlers were taken in that year’s first round, and the Browns had a shot at 15 of them.

I’d feel sorry for the Browns, but geographically, Detroit is closer.

1. JaMarcus Russell, QB, Oakland Raiders, #1

The only thing that I can say in the defense of JaMarcus, is that Lane Kiffin was his coach.

I can defend a player if they just weren’t talented, but that wasn’t JaMarcus. He had the physical tools to be a great QB. 6’5″ with the strongest arm in the NFL the moment he was drafted, and the size and quickness of a top defensive end, he was everything a coach looked for in a QB.

It just seemed with JaMarcus that he quit the moment he signed his $61 million dollar contract, $31 million guaranteed. He had the lowest QB rating out of any regular starting QB every year that he played. The highlight of his career was a two game winning streak at the end of the 2008 season, against teams who already quit on the season.

His drafting and cap hit was so damaging to the Raiders, they have yet to assign his jersey number to anyone since.

Good thing he had enough purple drank to relax him after his regrettable 3 year career.

Last thing about the JaMarcus pick, the next pick was Calvin Johnson, maybe the best WR in the NFL. Whoops.

Seth Lazear is a contributor to Comedic Prose

You can find Seth on Facebook and Twitter

Will Seattle fans love these Seattle Seahawks…Harvin, Sherman, and all?

Kortney Williams — Wed, 13 Mar 2013 17:14:59 +0000

The Seattle Seahawks have undergone a transformation.

They have distanced themselves from the passive aggressive organization; that was happy to have a serviceable quarterback, a running back that accumulated empty stats, and a false profit¹ (Mike Holmgren) making all the decisions. Now there a team straight of the Pete Carroll handbook, which states in section 1-13 do whatever you want, just win.

That’s the motto of these Seattle Seahawks. They have a bunch of talented players that pop pill, steal donuts, and grow dreadlocks. And oh! There are so many dreadlocks on this team. (The dreadlock to regular hair ratio can be an indicator of how much MEAT your team has. If you don’t believe me, watch college football team in the SEC). Basically Pete Carroll has assembled the team that the NCAA wouldn’t allow him to. This attitude will only get stronger with the addition of Percy Harvin.

Harvin was a malcontent in Minnesota and at the University of Florida. However, he was the best player on a National Championship team, and has been an all-purpose yard monster in the NFL. He can be both your kick returner and number one wide receiver. Instantly he makes a team that struggled to score at times last year, one of the most dynamic offenses in the NFL. If the Seahawks can find a way to manage his mood swings, this additon can propel them to the super bowl.

The question is, what are the fans thinking?

These Seahawks are challenging the way Seattle fans like to enjoy their sports. From the time Pete Carroll started making high risk front office moves, to the day Richard Sherman mouth showed up in the playoffs. The casual Seattle fan has been rooting cautiously…because they’re winning. Seattle would prefer that you played your game, without being boisterous. If you can do that, marginal success will not only be accepted, but it will be idolized. Please see Jake Locker, Ichiro Suzuki, Felix Hernandez, and Shawn Alexander.

As soon as this team starts losing, character criticism will come.

If the Seahawks go 4 and 12, the casual Seattle Seahawk fan will admonish the behavior that they find disturbingly endearing now. The first person to be ridiculed will be Richard Sherman, who has the biggest mouth in the NFL (he should probably be admonished now, but dude is funny). Eventually he will be ran out of town, and followed by Percy Harvin, Sidney Rice, Marshawn Lynch, and all the other dreadlocks on the team. But now is not the time to think of the demise of a team that Seattle doesn’t really like. Now is the time to enjoy crazy Carroll and all his wheeling and dealing. I challenge you to immerse yourself into this team full of crazy talent. And maybe, just maybe, you can get a super bowl out of this thing…or maybe they will just piss you off.

A false profit in sports terms is someone that goes to a team (usually for a money grab) with championship success and a sterling reputation. However when you look at their resume, they have a lot of more failure than success. But despite the flagrant holes in their resume, the franchise is immediately turned over to them. And they promptly run that team into the ground. Ex. Bill Parcells, Mike Holmgren, John Gruden (if he ever takes another job)

The Sacramento Kings move to Seattle hits roadblock

Kortney Williams — Mon, 04 Mar 2013 19:22:53 +0000

Yeah…so about the Sacramento Kings moving to Seattle. Perhaps the fans in Seattle jumped the gun.

For the last 2 months all I’ve heard is,

Seattle sports fans – “The Sonics are coming back.”

Me – “Really…what makes you say that?”

People that think reporters matter – “I read a story about it in the newspaper. As a matter of fact we’re getting a hockey team too!”

Me – “Really…what makes you say that?”

People that think the city of Seattle is going to build another stadium for a team that stinks – “Well their building a stadium downtown”

Me – “Really…we will see.”

*please note that the Seattle Supersonics are never coming back. They can’t come back because they no longer exist. If somehow in the – hell no it will never happen – chance that the Oklahoma City Thunder moved back to Seattle you could argue that the Sonics were back. However even then it wouldn’t be the Sonics, because history is lost, and the original relationship is tainted. So you’re forced to build new memories. The same way you would if you got a new team. So you would be better of letting the Supersonics name lie, and start new memories.

I was almost convinced that Seattle was going to get the Sacramento Kings. The reports were so persuasive. I remember reading a rumor that Phi Jackson was going to come out of retirement, and become a player-coach for the Sonics. Also David Stern came out and backed those reports (he didn’t back Phil Jackson, but he did say Dana White would be involved). And it seemed like it was just a matter of time, until…

As soon as I realized that Kevin Johnson (a former star in the NBA) was the mayor of Sacramento, and he wanted to keep the team. I knew that Seattle had no chance of ripping this team from the city of Sacramento (David Stern style).

A sports fan in Seattle would think that moving a team is an easy process. Hell, there team was taken from them in like 2 days. However there are huge differences between the Seattle Sonics leaving and the idea of the Sacramento Kings leaving. The main difference is that, when the Seattle owner sold the team away, and the city tried to step in. They had no plan. Now juxtapose that to situation with the Sacramento Kings situation.

As soon as it was rumored that the Maloofs (Kings owners) wanted to sell the team. Kevin Johnson stated that he was going to find a ownership group in Sacramento. Since then two different ownership groups in Sacramento have stepped up to buy the team. So the idea that Seattle would get this team is a long shot. Basically when Kevin Johnson proposes the deal like, Tessio in The Godfather by saying, “David, can you get me off the hook? For old times sake?” David Stern would have to shake his head no and say, “Can’t do it.”

With that being said there is still hop for Seattle sports fans. Let me introduce to you the Charlotte Bobcats.

That will be the next team to be moved. They have the perfect combination of no fans, and an owner who doesn’t want them. In addition, Charlotte has doesn’t care about professional basketball and has lost a team before. So that’s the team Seattle should go after. Perhaps Michael Jordan will come with the team and hire Phil Jackson as a player coach.

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

Cleveland Cavaliers’ Dion Waiters, turning it around

Kortney Williams — Thu, 28 Feb 2013 19:34:42 +0000

My man Dion Waiters has been going H.A.M. (flash style) for the last month and a half.

Things looked bleak for the Cleveland cavaliers when Kyrie Irving was advised to sit out and rest his knee. However, Waiters has taken Irving’s absence as an opportunity to showcase his skill. He has led the Cavaliers to 2 consecutive win, and nearly added a third over the Miami Heat. With Irving out, people are noticing Dion, but this isn’t a recent trend. It’s been this way for a while.

Now I will be the first to say I am pleasantly/shockingly surprised. I couldn’t stand Dion Waiters for the first 2 months of the NBA season. He was horribly inconsistent and shot the Cavaliers out of basketball games. Dude was shooting a miraculous 30% from the field – also known as Austin Rivers territory –, and was eventually bench by Byron Scott. Personally I wanted Scott to ship him off to sea in a pontoon boat with just enough gas for a one way trip. I was done watching this guy take smelly steamers during games. However, something happened during Christmas break. I don’t know if he got shots up or watched tape of the smelly steamers he was taking. Perhaps he went on that one way pontoon trip to get some dear antler spray. And after a few sprays under his tongue he swam back with a jump shot. I don’t know what happened, but you have to credit Dion Waiters. Since Christmas break he is shooting 47% while taking fewer shots and averaging more points. He has helped the Cleveland Cavaliers get better, and was a huge part of the Cavaliers being over five hundred in the month of February (The first time they have been over five hundred since King Hudini left).

My only advice now would be for him to stay off the 3-point line. He’s been brick city (Redman style) beyond the arc all year. “So work on that in the offseason. In the meantime please drop the pontoon boat, and antler spray off at the Indians practice facility. I have a feeling the will need it.”

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

Improved Cleveland Cavaliers have won 7 of 11…now stop!

Kortney Williams — Mon, 11 Feb 2013 00:41:29 +0000

The young Cleveland Cavaliers look like they’re starting to figure out how to play. That’s evident by them winning 7 of their last 11, and emerging from the purgatory, that is the worst teams in the NBA. please note: they are still one of the worst teams, but there is a reason for a hyperbolic celebration anytime you are no longer associated with the Charlotte Bobcats. Offensively they are sharing the ball, which is an improvement that can’t be understated. They no longer have the feel of a constipated man on a government cheese and potato diet.

A lot of credit for the Cavaliers’ recent winning has to go to Byron Scott and the front office. Please note: In any conversation involving the success of the 2012 Cavaliers. It’s understood that Kyrie Irving gets 85% of the credit. It has been nice to get a look at the way Byron Scott would like the team to play. They now have a faster pace offense, that complements their defense. It’s also clear that the front office has successfully managed their draft, and filled needs via trades. Most notably the trade in which they got Marreese Speights and Wayne Ellington, for some dude named Jon Leuer. However I think it’s time to slow down on all the winning.

At the risk of being ostracized by unintellectual Cavalier fans (of whom I will never have the displeasure of speaking with). I want to argue that for the best interest in long-term success. The Cavaliers should lose games. Because Cleveland Cavaliers don’t get big-time free agents, they have to build through the draft. And if they can continue to gets picks and draft well. They will have good, young, cheap assets. That can be used to build the nucleus of their team, or be flipped in a trade.

Whatever they decide to do with their picks is fine with me. I’m at the point where I trust them to build the Cavaliers. However it would be nice if the Cavaliers lost more games, and increased their Ping-Pong balls.

Jon Leuer couldn’t get on the court for the Cleveland Cavaliers, a team that at the time was in NBA purgatory with the Charlotte Bobcats.

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

What the heck are the Memphis Grizzles doing, trading Rudy Gay?

Kortney Williams — Thu, 31 Jan 2013 19:42:39 +0000

Perhaps I’m overreacting to the Memphis Grizzles trading Rudy Gay for Ed Davis and a bag of balls. I will admit that I’m a huge fan of Gay, and his skill set. So allow me to take off my Rudy Gay Heeman underwear and address this issue.

I was under the impression that Rudy Gay was an all-star small forward, and a player that you would want to build your team around. Not someone that you would trade for two below average NBA players. One of which (Jose Calderon) they don’t even want, and will probably dump in a couple games. I understand that the Grizzles are trading away salary to avoid the luxury tax. However after they traded Marreese Speights and Wayne Ellington to the Cleveland Cavaliers, they were under the salary cap for 2013. They could have held steady for the rest of the season, and traded Gay in the offseason. Instead they lampooned a potential Championship contender.

That’s right the Memphis Grizzles were championship contenders. With injures to the L.A. Clippers, the age of the San Antonio Spurs, and the Lakers floating into the abyss. The Memphis Grizzles were clearly the second best team in the west. Now you can argue that they wouldn’t have beat Oklahoma City, but anything can happen in the playoffs. However that doesn’t matter now. They traded away their leading scorer and no longer have a bench.

So good luck Memphis Grizzles fans. You’re going to need it.

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

Cleveland Golf, staying on top of technology

Kortney Williams — Tue, 22 Jan 2013 20:56:56 +0000

When it comes to golf equipment, Cleveland Golf is the leader. They can supply you with all you golf needs; from bags and hats to towels and equipment for juniors. They also have an assortment of golf clubs, so you’re sure find something no matter your handicap.

Cleveland Golf has prided itself on being one step ahead of the competition, and they have continued that tradition with their new line of wedges and drivers.

The new 588 RTX wedges series is highlighted has larger grooves and advanced spin technology. So no matter if you’re hitting out of the sand, or going for the green. You can rest assure that you have the best club for the job. They have also improved their line of driver with the Classic XL series, which is the next evolution in golf equipment. Both the 588 RTX wedges and Classic XL will be on the market February 15th. However, you don’t have to wait for this product to be released to get the details. Head over to ClevelandGolf.com, to get all the latest news on these clubs, and there other products.
Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

Don’t You Dare Criticize Lincoln (The Movie)

Kortney Williams — Mon, 21 Jan 2013 02:13:10 +0000

*****Spoiler Alert…I Think?!!*****

Lincoln is nominated for one hundred forty seven Academy Awards, and somehow it will manage to win one hundred and fifty. So I guess we’re all supposed to be enthralled with this movie; A movie which we all knew the plot, setting, and ending, as soon as we knew the title.

But allow me to point out some criticisms at the risk of being struck down.

Thaddeus Stevens (Tommy Lee Jones) had a black wife and no one carried

There are a lot of things that you could keep secret back in the 1800s, but having a black wife isn’t one of them. Despite the fact of there being no internet or Polaroid technology, I think someone would have found out. Especially since black people were slaves.

All you have to do is what for the black woman that gets new dresses and never leaves the house. That should raise some red flags. And if red flags are raised…put it in your historical one hundred forty seven time nominated Lincoln movie

75 black people got to watch as The House of Representatives voted on the 13th Amendment

I must have missed the day in history class when the teacher talked about how black people were allowed to sit in, while the House voted on whether they were human beings. I wish hadn’t missed that day. Because then the climax in Lincoln would have made sense.

It’s impossible to believe that power full white men in the 1800s, let black people watch them make decisions. However this movie would have you believe that they walked black people in, guided them to their balcony seats, and let them watch as people voted them back into slavery.

Perhaps it all went down this way, but I don’t think so

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

The True Top 50 Hip-Hop Songs of All Time

Kortney Williams — Mon, 14 Jan 2013 10:15:29 +0000

Recently Rolling Stone magazine out together a panel of 100 industry executives and came out with their list of the top 50 hip hop songs of all time. Now I read this list, absorbed this list, and disagreed with this list. So rather than being pissed off and trying to strike up a, “Hey what do you think about that questionable top 50 hip hop list Rolling Stone pot together” with unsuspecting strangers at the bar (That can be risky especially at the bars I go to). I said, “What the hell?” I will put together my own list. I have a blog that 1000 people a week read (That’s right I’m bragging). I should put out a list that all 1000 of those people will hate”. Thus it was born.

Now this is not a list meant to be a memorial for the golden age of hip-hop. That means that Slick Rick won’t have 10 songs in the top 10. At the same time this isn’t a referendum on mainstream east coast rap. That means that Silk That Shocker won’t have anything on this list. Sorry to break this news so publicly New Orleans, but I couldn’t do it with throwing up in my mouth (pink vomit style).

This list is a representation of the best hip hop songs of all-time. That means everything is in play from the Sugar Hill Gang to Drake (by the way Drake didn’t make it either, and I’m not sorry about breaking. As matter of fact I may write an entire post, just about why he didn’t make the list).

The list will be s count down, 50 – 1, because it adds suspense. The list will be broken down into 3 post with the first post being 50 – 31, the second post 30 – 11, and the final post being the top 10. So enjoy, and send all your hate to @kortneyshane on twitter.

First I want to highlight the controversial ones that didn’t make it.

I almost put James Brown on the list. I consider if to be the first mainstream hip-hop artist. Think about it. What’s the difference between, “I love it when you call me big Poppa” and “Poppa don’t take no mess.” Both of those dudes are rapping.

There is also no Uncle Luke or Lil Wayne. I tried to get both in, especially my boy Luke. I love Scared, but half I’m not sure if it qualifies as a rap song.

The biggest omission from this list is Scarface. He is one of the best if not the best lyrists of all-time. I really wanted to find a place for him but I just couldn’t. If I were forced to put a song of his on here it would have been, Seen a Man Die. I just didn’t know where to put it. What I’m trying to say is, I couldn’t find it in my heart to fit him in (whoa that just got weird).

Now I have previously released songs 50 – 11.

I haven’t gotten much push back from the 50 – 31 selections. The only pick that has come under some scrutiny is Up Jumps da Boogie at 50. To that I say a few things.

1. It’s the 50th pick, are we really going to argue about that. That’s like arguing over who the Miami Heat decide to send to the D-League

2. Lyrically, Up Jumps the Boogie is sound, and when you combine that with the beat it makes for a sick song.

3. If the 50th pick is the only objection I have on this list of the top 50 songs, then I did a good job

I encourage you to click on the songs and listen to them before you send your hate mail. Especially if you haven’t heard of the song before. There’s no shame in not being up on your hip-hop game. That’s what I’m here for. I have your back.

Enjoy the list, and please share this on your facebook page and tweet it out. It took a long time to put this together and I would appreciate the love.

Now let the list begin.

50. Up Jumps da Boogie

Welcome to Our World

Timbaland, Magoo, Aaliyah, Missy Elliot

This song is one of the best compilations of all time. This track announce Missy Elliot as legitimate rapper, and not just the “He, he, he” girl from the MC Lyte video. It also showcased Aaliyah and began Timbaland’s era of dominance as a producer.

49. Woo Hah!!! Got You All in Check

The Coming

Busta Ryhmes

Busta Ryhmes announced his arrival and unique style with this song. True story, I didn’t know a single word of this song up until 6 years ago.

48. Regulate

Regulate…G Funk Era

Warren G, Nate Dogg

47. Money, Power, Respect

Money, Power, Respect

The LOX, Lil Kim

This is just a filthy record. Lil Kim laces the track with the hook. This is the best record The Lox ever made

46. Two Words

The College Dropout

Kanye West, Mos Def, Freeway

This record showcases the best of Kanye West’s rap skills. It would have been higher on the list if Freeway was able to enhance the track. However I put it 46, because it’s “Two Words/Mos Def/K-West hot sh*t!”

45. Put Your Hands Where My Eyes Could See

When Disaster Strikes

Busta Rhymes

44. Slippin’

Flesh of My Flesh, Blood of My Blood

DMX

This is DMX doing what he does best, telling a great story. X is one of the best hip-hop storytellers ever (yeah I went X right there, because I know him like that). Slippin’ showcase the best of those skills, and combines that unmistakable emotion that X always bring².

43. You Got Me

Things Fall Apart

The Roots, Erykah Badu

The Roots are one of the best bands of all time, and a treasure for hip-hop music. You Got Me is a smooth track with a great story. It encapsulates everything hip hop music is.

42. Dead Presidents (Original Lyrics)

Non-Album Single

Jay-Z

I can’t stress enough that this is not Dead Presidents II. This is the original Dead Presidents. The version where Jay-Z says,

One day your cruisin’ in ya seven/
Next day your sweatin’ forgetin’ your lies/
Alibis ain’t matchin’ up, bullshit catchin’ up/
Hit with the rico, they repo your vehicle/
Everything was all good just a week ago

41. Big Poppa

Ready to Die

The Notorious B.IG.

This is a flashy track, but lyrically it’s one of Biggie’s best performances. Anytime you have dudes singing, “I love it when you call me Big Poppa” that’s fire. I just hate what the movie Hardball did to this song³.

40. I Ain’t Mad at Cha

All Eyes On Me

2Pac,

This song is synonymous with that video of 2Pac in that white suit, surrounded by smoke, some other questionable people in heaven, and a grand piano. It’s a great story, and showcases Tupac at his finest.

39. Bonita Applebum

People’s Instinctive Travels and the Paths of Rhythm

A Tribe Called Quest

This is a smooth hip-hop ballad to the ladies.

38. Fu-Gee-La

The Score

The Fugees

The Fugees knocked it out of the park with this track. It represented the islands for hip-hop, and gave us our first indication that Pras was a little off.

37. Triumph

Wu-Tang Forever

The Wu-Tang Clan, Cappadonna

Every hip hop list, party, get together, and bank robbery has to have some Wu-Tang. Most of the tie I don’t even know what the hell they’re talking about, but I’m bobbing me head while I dance in the middle of the street. Every member of The Clan(RZA, GZA, Method Man, Raekwon, Ghostface Killah, Inspectah Deck, U-God, Masta Killa, and Ol’ Dirty Bastard make up The Wu-Tang Clan) and Cappadonna.¹ killed it on this track.

36. They Reminisce Over You (T.R.O.Y.)

Mecca and Soul Brother

Pete Rock, CL Smooth

This track is the perfect combination of a smooth beat and melodic rap. The horns on this track are sexy (did I just say that). If you don’t know this track, get on it. This is probably controversial positioning, but its deserving.

35. Rewind

Stillmatic

NaS

This is the most innovative hip-hop track ever. Not only did Nasty NaS (that’s right I just hit you with a Nasty NaS), rap an entire sing backwards, but he executed it flawlessly. This is a shining expel of why he is considered to be one of the top five rappers of all-time.

34. Through The Wire

The College Dropout

Kanye West

This is the second time Kaye West, and The College Dropout have appeared on this list. And it’s well deserved.

33. Long Kiss Goodnight

Life After Death

The Notorious B.I.G.

Before you start sending me hate mail for putting this song on the list, click the link and take a listen. Then listen again. This is the best lyrical performance by Biggie Smalls.

32. Mona Lisa

The Adventures of Slick Rick

Slick Rick

So Slick Rick made the list after all, with one of his signature tracks.

31. Just A Friend

The Biz Never Sleeps

Biz Markie

Oh this is what I call happy music. Anytime I see Biz I get happy. He prove that you can be an individual in hip-hop, and still have music that will live forever. Just A Friend isn’t a great lyrical or vocal performance. However it’s soulful and funny. Being made to be a fool is something everyone can relate no matter the age. This song will live forever.

30. Hard Knock Life (Ghetto Anthem)Vol. 2… Hard Knock LifeJay-ZThere no way you can leave this song of a hip-hop list. It is the ghetto anthem – according to Jay-Z – after all. This record made Jay-Z a palatable mainstream artist and the face of hip-hop. It also took him from good MC to “maybe he can be one of the greats.”

All credit should go to little orphan Annie, and those kids who probably ended up giving Daddy Warbucks sponge baths.

29. Top Billin’

What More Can I Say?

Audio Two

When you make a great hip-hop track, and every piece of that of that track is sampled¹. Then those samples create great hip hop tracks. You have one of the greatest songs of all time. That’s Top Billin’. In my opinion this is the most underrated hip-hop song. It should be even higher on this list…I think I just objected to myself.

1. Everything on this track was sampled from the rooter to the tooter. Most notably on 50 Cent’s sampled this song for his hook on I Get Money, Mary J. Blige sampled the beat on Real Love, LL Cool J sampled the background crowd screaming “Go Brooklyn” on Doin It and many have sampled their hook, most notably Kanye West in the song Otis.

28. The Way I Am

The Marshall Mathers LP

Eminem

This is Eminem at his finest. He admits to his flaws, concede to all rumors, while saying, “You do the same thing too, not because you’re a bad person. But because that’s what ever normal person does.” This track reminds you of what he could he could have done consistently with his career2.

27. Elevators (Me and You)

ATLiens

Outkast

This record put the Atlanta on the map, and announced the arrival of the greatest hip-hop duo/group ever (if you have any debate in regard to my claim, please offer up who you think it better. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger. (Pulp-Fiction style)). Elevators is a great balance between lyrics, execution, and style. It one of that joint that come on and you start singing every word, while not knowing a single word of the song.

26. Ms. Fat Booty

Black on Both Sides

Mos Def

Imagine the person in your past that you me on a random night. That was oh so allusive, while always being around. You spend money whining and dining that person, yet don’t seal the deal. A week later you see that same person with someone else. Then you realize you got played by Ms. Fat Booty. Mos Def give voice to that situation in this song, and does while giving you stunning visuals with his lyrical skills.

25. The Message

Non-Album Single

Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five song

This is one of the most legendary hip-hop tracks of all time. Many believe that it started mainstream rap, and is the greatest hip-hop record. Obviously I don’t think so, but I do believe there is great social significance to the song. And for that reason it’s 25^th on this list.

24. California Love

All Eyes On Me

2Pac, Dr. Dre

The anthem for California is in the building. This isn’t the best track for neither 2Pac nor Dr. Dre. However collectively they made a classic record, and a symbol for the California life.

23. Passin’ Me By

Bizarre Ride II the Pharcyde

The Pharcyde

This is a legendary hip-hop track with a funky beat. With all due respect to Runnin’, Passin’ Me By is the best record The Pharcyde ever produced. The Pharcyde was more of a flash in the pain that legendary group. However, they left their mark with this track.

22. Shook Ones Part II

The Infamous

Mobb Deep

This is a crazy hip-hop record. It has that raw street element that is synonymous with Mobb Deep, yet it still has mainstream appeal. I attribute that to Mobb Deep’s ability to speak genially through this record with conviction. Though this track is nasty, it didn’t lead to long-term mainstream success for Mobb Deep. However, Shook Ones II did become the signature song on the score for 8 Mile.

21. All I Need

Tical

Method Man, Mary J. Blige

“Staten Island is in the building!”

When you say Method Man and Mary J. Blige collaborated to make a great hip-hop love song, it sounds weird. But that’s exactly what they did. All I Need is the most significant record for Method Man as it marked his career separate from his affiliation with the Wu-Tang Clan. Now he will always be part of the Wu-Tang, but this track showed that he could do it by himself as well.

20. Scenario

The Low End Theory

A Tribe Called Quest, Busta Rhymes and Leaders of the New School

Scenario features Phife Dawg from A Tribe Called Quest, who may be the most underrated rapper of all-time. Because he never had mainstream success, Phife is commonly overlooked.

This song also showcase the soon to star, Busta Rhymes. He laces the track on the final verse with the style that would become synonymous with his career.

19. One Mic

Stillmatic

NaS

One Mic is a simple concept that is executed beautifully by NaS. NaS’ ability to execute flawlessly is second to none, and that’s what makes him one of the top 5 rappers of all-time. Whether it’s I Gave You Power or Black Girl lost,
NaS consistently shows that ability. One Mic is his greatest example of that ability.

18. Rosa Parks

Aquemini

Outkast

When Outkast released Rosa Parks as a single, they garnered a lot of notoriety and criticism which may have been justifiable. What is justifiable is that Rosa Parks is one of the great hip-hop records no matter what they called it. It could have been called Christopher Columbus, and I still would have been singing,

Ah ha, hush that fuss/

Everybody move to the back of the bus/

Do you want to bump and slump with us/

We the type of people make the club get

17. Mama Said Knock You Out

Mama Said Knock You Out

LL Cool J

For all of LL Cool J’s commercial success, he made some awful album, and subpar singles.

That is not the case with Momma Said Knock You Out. This track has everything that was great about LL Cool J. It has the emotion, lyrics, and battle element that made LL Cool J great.

16. Paid in Full

Paid in Full

Eric B. & Rakim

You can’t leave Paid in Full off any hip-hop list. This a legendary track and it was the beging of Rakim’s dominance.

15. N.Y. State of Mind

Illmatic

NaS

This NaS’ best record, and the track that became the staple of his greatest album. It also sparked a legendary battle between him and Jay-Z.

This record is just a raw record. It has that old school feel of 2 turntables and a mic. It sounds like he recorded it in a meat locker.

This is Nasty NaS!

14. Stan

The Marshall Mathers LP

Eminem

This record is hard to express in words. You can say that Eminem told a great story, but that sells him short. You can say it’s a relationship record, and speaks to the boundaries between celebrity and reality. But that also doesn’t fully express the essence of this track.

The only thing you can say is, Stan is a masterpiece, and it shows up how great Eminem was.

13. Nuthin’ but a ‘G’ Thang

The Chronic

Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg

This is a chill record that highlights what was known Dr. Dre’s style. Because of this record and the success of The Chronic, Dr. Dre became the face of hip-hop. Up until that point he was the most successful rapper/producer, in large part because of the success of this song.

12. Brooklyn’s Finest

Reasonable Doubt

Jay-Z, The Notorious B.I.G.

This track literally features Brooklyn’s Finest.

This is Jay-Z and Biggie Smalls at their best, going back and forth like a rap battle. Line after line the track intensifies, and crescendos when Biggie spits the line,

Me and Gutter had two spots

The two for five dollar hits, the blue tops

Gotta go, Coolio mean it’s gettin “Too Hot”

If Fay’ had twins, she’d probably have two-Pac’s

Get it? .. Tu-pac’s

Brooklyn’ Finest may be the best rap collaboration ever.

11. Protect Ya Neck

Enter the Wu-Tang (36 Chambers)

Wu-Tang Clan

This is Wu-Tang doing their thing. It bar after bar, artist after artist, doing grimey raps over one Wu-Tang’s signature Shaolin Style beats. It’s their best record, and is well deserving of its positioning.

10. U Don’t Know

The Blueprint

Jay-Z

I’m not sure what this song is about, but it’s fantastic. Jay-Z lets it rip form the first line to the last, and shows the full arsenal.

This song appears on Jay-Z’s 6th studio album, The Blueprint. However it’s a flashback to old Jay-Z. It has that young gritty energy that is synonymous with his first album. It’s as if he wanted to remind everyone that he can still throw 100mph.

9. The Seed (2.0)

Phrenology

The Roots
When the legendary Roots crew dropped The Seed (2.0), initially it didn’t garner much attention, partially because it was on Phrenology which was a subpar album. However The Seed (2.0) was a rose growing from the concrete, and now gets the recognition as such.

This song is actually the derivative of a neo-rock record that was made by Cody Chesnutt called, The Seed. The Roots and Chesnutt came together, took the original song, added some funk, and produced The Seed (2.0).

The Roots are a rare gem. To be a successful band – that actually plays their music – in hip hop is unheard of. The Roots are in an arena of their own, and The Seed (2.0) is what they can produce.

8. Children’s Story

The Great Adventures of Slick Rick

Slick Rick

This is a legendary hip-hop record on Slick Rick’s most recognizable album. Lyrically it holds up, yet it still has that old school hip-hop beat. That lets you know it’s a classic track. Slick Rick is one of greats, and Children’s Story shows why.

7. Gin and Juice

Doggystyle

Snoop Dogg

Gin and Juice is Snoop Dogg’s first solo single off his debut album Doggystyle. After heavily contributing to Dr. Dre’s The Chronic, this record established him as his own man.

It showcased the laidback part style that became his trademark.

6. I Used to Love H.E.R.

Resurrection

Common

This song is polarizing. On one side you love it, because it compares the love for hip-hop to that of the love for a girl. On the other hand it devalues west coast rap, and even implies that hip-hop was ruined by the west coast. Consequently this song sparked beef between Common and west coast rappers (mainly N.W.A).

With all that being said it’s a very creative track, and deserves to be recognized as such.

5. Fight the Power

Do the Right Thing Soundtrack

Public Enemy

Based on social significance alone, this song makes it into the top 10.

This song was originally created for Spike Lee’s movie, Do the Right Thing. Later it appeared on Public Enemy’s album, Fear of a Black Planet. Public Enemy was known for addressing social issues head on, and Fight the Power is a representation of that.

4. Can I Live

Reasonable Doubt

Jay-Z

This is probably the most introspective record by Jay-Z. It’s a masterpiece that is executed on every level.

It starts off with Jay-Z setting the scene, by talking over horns. He explains that people hustle out of a sense of desperation, which ironically turns into an addition. Not unlike the one the fiends have that they serve. Then the beat hits, and the legendary rap begins.

Can I Live is Jay-Z’s stand out record on his first classic album, Reasonable Doubt. It showcases Jay-Z’s ability to make stark vivid imagery with his lyrics. He takes you on a journey through the mentality of a hustler, and juxtaposes that with the reality of the situation. The imagery is so vivid that it’s comparable to a movie.

This song is an effort that shouldn’t be undervalued, and is worthy of being one of the greatest rap songs of all time.

3. Straight Out of Compton

Straight Out of Compton

N.W.A.

Straight Out of Compton is the title track of N.W.A.’s debut album. This song is so ferocious, that it had to be hot in the suburbs. As soon as Ice Cube starts his rap by say, “Crazy muth*** named Ice Cube.” I can see kids throughout the gated community bumping this in their home theater system.

This record foreshadowed what was to come from Dr. Dre and west coast rap. It’s unfortunate that N.W.A broke up after this album, but at least we got this gem.

2. B.O.B.

Stankonia

Outkast

Bombs Over Bagdad is arguably the greatest hip-hop song of all time. It has lyrics, beat, and creativity that are second to none. This is Outkast – the greatest hip-hop group of ever – showcasing some of their best work.

B.O.B. appears on the album Stankonia, and as crazy as it sounds, it was overshadowed by Rosa Parks, which was on the same album and commercially more successful. However, now it gets the respect it deserves and many believe it’s the greatest hip-hop record ever.

1. Rappers Delight

Non Album Single

The Sugar Hill Gang

It’s controversial to make this the greatest hip-hop read cord of all time.

It’s not the greatest songs lyrically, and it doesn’t showcase the best beat. However, you have to take into account the circumstances in which it came out.

You have to consider that there was no road map to make a hip-hop record, and despite that The Sugar Hill Gang made a successful record. Rappers Delight ended up becoming the first mainstream rap songs. Now it must be said that this record is one hundred thirty seven minutes long. But if you can take the time off work, and you have an opportunity to listen to this record, you will see that this is a timeless piece art that will continue to stand the test of time.

1. Full disclaimer I had to look this up.2. Eminem was an artist that could have revolutionized rap for the duration of his career. He could have rivaled Jay-Z as the best rapper of his era. However he went a different path and while he was hugely successful, I think he could have been an even bigger rap legend.3. I should have probably stopped at the first X.

4. I’m not going to discuss the movie. All you really need to know is Keanu Reeves was teaching kids on the Southside of Chicago how to play baseball.

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

The True Top 50 Hip-Hop Songs of All Time: 30 – 11

Kortney Williams — Thu, 10 Jan 2013 01:58:02 +0000

If you didn’t already make sure you check the list of 50 – 31, and listen to the songs if you don’t know them (Click on the song title to listen). There’s no shame in not being up on your hip-hop game. That’s what I’m here for.

I haven’t gotten much push back from the 50 – 31 selections. The only pick that has come under some scrutiny is Up Jumps da Boogie at 50. To that I say a few things.

1. It’s the 50th pick, are we really going to argue about that. That’s like arguing over who the Miami Heat decide to send to the D-League

2. Lyrically, Up Jumps the Boogie is sound, and when you combine that with the beat it makes for a sick song.

3. If the 50th pick is the only objection I have on this list of the top 50 songs, then I did a good job

Time for 30 – 11

30. Hard Knock Life (Ghetto Anthem)

Vol. 2… Hard Knock Life

Jay-Z

There no way you can leave this song of a hip-hop list. It is the ghetto anthem – according to Jay-Z – after all. This record made Jay-Z a palatable mainstream artist and the face of hip-hop. It also took him from good MC to “maybe he can be one of the greats.”

All credit should go to little orphan Annie, and those kids who probably ended up giving Daddy Warbucks sponge baths.

29. Top Billin’

What More Can I Say?

Audio Two

1. Everything on this track was sampled from the rooter to the tooter. Most notably on 50 Cent’s sampled this song for his hook on I Get Money, Mary J. Blige sampled the beat on Real Love, LL Cool J sampled the background crowd screaming “Go Brooklyn” on Doin It and many have sampled their hook, most notably Kanye West in the song Otis.

28. The Way I Am

The Marshall Mathers LP

Eminem

27. Elevators (Me and You)

ATLiens

Outkast

26. Ms. Fat Booty

Black on Both Sides

Mos Def

25. The Message

Non-Album Single

Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five song

24. California Love

All Eyes On Me

2Pac, Dr. Dre

The anthem for California is in the building. This isn’t the best track for neither 2Pac nor Dr. Dre. However collectively they made a classic record, and a symbol for the California life.

23. Passin’ Me By

Bizarre Ride II the Pharcyde

The Pharcyde

22. Shook Ones Part II

The Infamous

Mobb Deep

21. All I Need

Tical

Method Man, Mary J. Blige

“Staten Island is in the building!”

20. Scenario

The Low End Theory

A Tribe Called Quest, Busta Rhymes and Leaders of the New School

Scenario features Phife Dawg from A Tribe Called Quest, who may be the most underrated rapper of all-time. Because he never had mainstream success, Phife is commonly overlooked.

This song also showcase the soon to star, Busta Rhymes. He laces the track on the final verse with the style that would become synonymous with his career.

19. One Mic

Stillmatic

NaS

18. Rosa Parks

Aquemini

Outkast

Ah ha, hush that fuss/

Everybody move to the back of the bus/

Do you want to bump and slump with us/

We the type of people make the club get

17. Mama Said Knock You Out

Mama Said Knock You Out

LL Cool J

For all of LL Cool J’s commercial success, he made some awful album, and subpar singles.

That is not the case with Momma Said Knock You Out. This track has everything that was great about LL Cool J. It has the emotion, lyrics, and battle element that made LL Cool J great.

16. Paid in Full

Paid in Full

Eric B. & Rakim

You can’t leave Paid in Full off any hip-hop list. This a legendary track and it was the beging of Rakim’s dominance.

15. N.Y. State of Mind

Illmatic

NaS

This NaS’ best record, and the track that became the staple of his greatest album. It also sparked a legendary battle between him and Jay-Z.

This record is just a raw record. It has that old school feel of 2 turntables and a mic. It sounds like he recorded it in a meat locker.

This is Nasty NaS!

14. Stan

The Marshall Mathers LP

Eminem

The only thing you can say is, Stan is a masterpiece, and it shows up how great Eminem was.

13. Nuthin’ but a ‘G’ Thang

The Chronic

Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg

12. Brooklyn’s Finest

Reasonable Doubt

Jay-Z, The Notorious B.I.G.

This track literally features Brooklyn’s Finest.

This is Jay-Z and Biggie Smalls at their best, going back and forth like a rap battle. Line after line the track intensifies, and crescendos when Biggie spits the line,

Me and Gutter had two spots

The two for five dollar hits, the blue tops

Gotta go, Coolio mean it’s gettin “Too Hot”

If Fay’ had twins, she’d probably have two-Pac’s

Get it? .. Tu-pac’s

Brooklyn’ Finest may be the best rap collaboration ever.

11. Protect Ya Neck

Enter the Wu-Tang (36 Chambers)

Wu-Tang Clan

2. Eminem was an artist that could have revolutionized rap for the duration of his career. He could have rivaled Jay-Z as the best rapper of his era. However he went a different path and while he was hugely successful, I think he could have been an even bigger rap legend.

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

Nick Saban can coach my Cleveland Browns any day of the week

Kortney Williams — Tue, 08 Jan 2013 22:54:12 +0000

After watching Nick Saban win another national championship last night. It’s never been more evident that the Cleveland Browns need to go all in for Nick Saban. I know there have been people that have doubted whether he can be successful on the NFL level, especially after his lack luster results with the Miami Dolphins. However after watching Saban dominate college football for the last 4 years. There is no way anyone can say with conviction that he couldn’t be a great coach in the NFL.

After what I saw last night (I only saw the first half which is all anyone with a life should have watched) it’s clear that Nick Saban can coach on any level. He had them boys ready to play. Those teams were supposed to be in the same league. However, once I saw that linebacker¹
Pearl River Plunge Notre Dame’s running back, it was clear that Saban had his team operating on another level. That’s the kind of preparation the Cleveland Browns need. Just imagine if the Browns had that kind of performance. John Gruden might wet his pants trying to call the game.

Now I know people will try to dismiss Saban’s collegiate success. We all know he gets the best players, and that’s a huge advantage. However, when you win 3 BCS championships in 4 years, while going through the best conference in college football, you are not only a great coach, but you’re legendary. And that’s the kind of guy the Cleveland Browns need.

1. I call him that linebacker because I don’t know his name, and secretly I want it to be his stage name when he’s in the WWE.. I can see it right now, “Coming to the ring. The guy that brought a hatchet to Notre Dame’s pillow fight, That Linebacker!” Someone get Michael Cole on phone, and ask him to call Alabama’s games next season.

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

The True Top 50 Hip-Hop Songs of All Time: 50 – 31

Kortney Williams — Tue, 08 Jan 2013 01:31:56 +0000

First I want to highlight the controversial ones that didn’t make it.

There is also no Uncle Luke or Lil Wayne. I tried to get both in, especially my boy Luke. I love Scared, but half I’m not sure if it qualifies as a rap song.

Now let the list begin.

50. Up Jumps da Boogie

Welcome to Our World

Timbaland, Magoo, Aaliyah, Missy Elliot

49. Woo Hah!!! Got You All in Check

The Coming

Busta Ryhmes

Busta Ryhmes announced his arrival and unique style with this song. True story, I didn’t know a single word of this song up until 6 years ago.

48. Regulate

Regulate…G Funk Era

Warren G, Nate Dogg

47. Money, Power, Respect

Money, Power, Respect

The LOX, Lil Kim

This is just a filthy record. Lil Kim laces the track with the hook. This is the best record The Lox ever made

46. Two Words

The College Dropout

Kanye West, Mos Def, Freeway

45. Put Your Hands Where My Eyes Could See

When Disaster Strikes

Busta Rhymes

44. Slippin’

Flesh of My Flesh, Blood of My Blood

DMX

43. You Got Me

Things Fall Apart

The Roots, Erykah Badu

The Roots are one of the best bands of all time, and a treasure for hip-hop music. You Got Me is a smooth track with a great story. It encapsulates everything hip hop music is.

42. Dead Presidents (Original Lyrics)

Non-Album Single

Jay-Z

I can’t stress enough that this is not Dead Presidents II. This is the original Dead Presidents. The version where Jay-Z says,

41. Big Poppa

Ready to Die

The Notorious B.IG.

40. I Ain’t Mad at Cha

All Eyes On Me

2Pac,

39. Bonita Applebum

People’s Instinctive Travels and the Paths of Rhythm

A Tribe Called Quest

This is a smooth hip-hop ballad to the ladies.

38. Fu-Gee-La

The Score

The Fugees

The Fugees knocked it out of the park with this track. It represented the islands for hip-hop, and gave us our first indication that Pras was a little off.

37. Triumph

Wu-Tang Forever

The Wu-Tang Clan, Cappadonna

36. They Reminisce Over You (T.R.O.Y.)

Mecca and Soul Brother

Pete Rock, CL Smooth

35. Rewind

Stillmatic

NaS

34. Through The Wire

The College Dropout

Kanye West

This is the second time Kaye West, and The College Dropout have appeared on this list. And it’s well deserved.

33. Long Kiss Goodnight

Life After Death

The Notorious B.I.G.

Before you start sending me hate mail for putting this song on the list, click the link and take a listen. Then listen again. This is the best lyrical performance by Biggie Smalls.

32. Mona Lisa

The Adventures of Slick Rick

Slick Rick

So Slick Rick made the list after all, with one of his signature tracks.

31. Just A Friend

The Biz Never Sleeps

Biz Markie

1. Full disclaimer I had to look this up.

2. I should have probably stopped at the first X.

3. I’m not going to discuss the movie. All you really need to know is Keanu Reeves was teaching kids on the Southside of Chicago how to play baseball.

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

Seattle Seahawks have too much MEAT for Redskins

Kortney Williams — Fri, 04 Jan 2013 05:19:24 +0000

In the NFC Division Wildcard, you must account for the Seattle Seahawks’ MEAT.

I know it’s not the flashiest thing to talk about. I will concede that it’s easier to talk about Robert Griffin III and Russell Wilson (because we all know flashy quarterbacks win playoff games¹). Hell, ESPN has virtually made it a quarterback combine competition. At this point I’m surprised that they haven’t disrobed both of them, and picked a winner based on whether they live up to their imagination. Meanwhile the deciding factor that will easily win the game is being overlooked.

The Factor: The Seattle Seahawks have a whole lot of MEAT on defense.

Why is no one talking about the Seattle Seahawks’ shutdown defense, in their upcoming playoff matchup against the Washington Redskins?

Now when I say, “MEAT” I’m not sure what image comes to your mind. I would ask you to guess, but I don’t want my inbox over flowing with the images that you would find on the internet. So allow me to tell you and ruin your fantasy. MEAT, refers to intimidating team defense, and the Seahawks have a lot of it (I’m about to stop capitalizing meat because it’s starting to get weird), mainly in the defensive backfield.

We know both teams have a good offense. So why do people keep breaking it down who has the better quarterback or running game. As good as both of them are, neither is going to decide the game. This game will be decided by meat. I know the Redskins went on a great 7 game win streak, but they haven’t seen a defense like the Seahawks. Seattle has a ball hawking secondary that knocks back Adderall like a sorority girl trying to win a drinking contest. To make matters worse Brandon Browner is coming back, which means they’ll have a locker full of it.

I fully expect the Washington Redskins to lose by two scores. They will be overwhelmed by the Seahawks’ MEAT. Sorry, but I had to capitalize it one more time.

MEAT

Michael Vick, Dan Marino, Tony Romo, Randall Cunningham, and Jeff George. All flashy in their own way and never won big. So you can say I was using sarcasm.
Okay two more

personally I Dont want to know.

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

Seattle Seahawks continue to show their Russell

Kortney Williams — Tue, 25 Dec 2012 05:10:05 +0000

I sense that’s there’s a lot of people baffled about the Seattle Seahawks and Russell Wilson.

I say that their baffled, because they don’t seemed to be saying anything at all about the Seahawks season. It seems that everyone tries to explain away every big win by the Seahawks this season. The Green Bay Packers win was dismissed, because of a blown call by the replacement referres¹. Then they beat the New England Patriots, and that was dismissed because of their home field advantage². Then they beat the Chicago Bears, in Chicago, and that game is dismissed because, “Chicago is getting old, and you know Brian Urlacher isn’t 100%. Plus Chicago isn’t really that good anyway.”

I have yet to hear what the excuse will be for the beat down they put on the prematurely crowned, San Francisco 49ers. Perhaps they’ll just concede the fact that the Seattle Seahawks are a super bowl contender (excuse me for a minute; I have to take a drug test. That last statement has me questioning my sobriety). Because at some point you have to admit the Seahawks have a lot of Russell.

Russell Wilson looks like he may be a franchise quarterback for the Seattle Seahawks. Hell, he may be a top 10 quarterback in the NFL right now. However, those things are debatable. What isn’t debatable is that Russell Wilson has been going H.A.M. for the last 2 months – I’m not going to bore you with the stats, because I don’t have that kind of time (I still have yet to set my Christmas day fantasy basketball roster) – all you need to know is that he’s the highest rated quarterback in the NFL. A quarterback like Russell Wilson was the only thing the Seahawks were missing, and now that they have him. The Seahawks aren’t afraid to show you their Russell³, and they did a lot of flexing on Sunday night (It also helped that after the first series, Colin Kaepernick had the fear of God in his eyes. I wouldn’t have been surprised if he would have went Pacquiao sixth round, because he just wanted to go home). After watching Wilson drop a back shoulder dime to Doug Baldwin – of all people – for his second receiving touchdown. I had a revelation. For the first time since Shaun Alexander, the Seahawks could dictate the tempo of a game. They no longer have to try to keep up with the pace of a high scoring team, or grind out a game against a ground and pound team. Now they can go straight for the throat. Why…because they got that Russell⁴.

#ShowYourRussell

The Green Bay Packers did get jobbed out of that game, but Seattle did move the ball throughout the game.
“U Mad Bro?”
Nothing would make me happier than to start the hash tag #ShowYourRussell
“I got that Russell” sounds like advertisement for some kind of drug

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

ESPN’s Rob Parker educates us on blackness

Kortney Williams — Sat, 15 Dec 2012 00:46:04 +0000

I don’t know if you’ve been under a sports rock for the last day, but Rob Parker of ESPN has been suspended. Why did he get suspended? Well he decided to give his social opinion on race. Which in most circumstances would be okay, but Parker decided to decide to debate if Robert Griffin III was, “…a brother, or a cornball brother?”

Now I don’t know about you’ll but when I want racial commentary I tune into ESPN First Take. For me the sports talk is just icing on the cake. I tune in for racial controversy. I think ABC should swap that show out with The View, and let it come on national television.

On a more serious note, Rob Parker is obviously wrong. He was way out of line with his comments regarding what type of “brother” Robert Griffin is. However what I find far more egregious is his comment regarding RG3 have a white fiancé, and making it seem like he may be less of a man because of that. Honestly, who the hell is Rob Parker to challenge anyone’s choice for a spouse? I found those comments fire-able. Not only is that disrespectful along racial lines, but also to Griffin as a man.

It is yet to be known what will happen to Parker. There is a chance he may be terminated. One thing is for sure. This black man won’t stop it!

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

Philadelphia 76ers and the mark that will pay Andrew Bynum

Kortney Williams — Wed, 12 Dec 2012 19:32:17 +0000

I actually forgot that Andrew Bynum was a member of the Philadelphia 76ers. If you were to ask me a week ago, if he still existed, I would have quickly answered yes. However, if I was given some time to contemplate, I would think to myself, “Man…I haven’t seen dude all year…where is he? I know his job is the sit on the 76ers bench and grow weird hairdos, to distract of from the fact that, ‘Dude ain’t playing.’ Maybe that’s labor intensive work, and that’s why I haven’t been able to find him? But I bet he will show up when he’s ready to get his money.”

Since it’s apparent that Andrew Bynum doesn’t plan on playing this year. There’s only one question that needs to be asked. How much money is going to get this offseason? And is there a sucker that’s going to give him $100 Mill?¹

Andrew Bynum is worth $10 million dollars a year at the most. Dude hasn’t played enough to be worth more. Now if he were healthy he’d be a max player, but if Greg Oden were healthy he’d be a max player too. You have to look at similar players with his track record. When big guys start having chronic knee problems, stop paying them. Bynum isn’t going to get better, and if the Philadelphia 76ers are smart they will let Bynum walk limp out the back door this offseason. For what he wants, he’s not worth the money. To build your franchise around a guy like that would be an atrocity. With that being said, I’m sure he will be over paid. We’ll just have to see who will be the mark.

I guess that’s two questions, but when you’re killing it on points. You can’t worry about being numerically correct.

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

Mike Brown, has become the black Flip Saunders

Kortney Williams — Wed, 14 Nov 2012 00:03:18 +0000

So Mike Brown got fired by the Los Angeles Lakers.

Now, I’m sure there’s some reason he got fired. I can personally think of a couple right off the top of your head. One of those being that the fix was in, and the best scenario for Mike Brown, was for him to win some games and be fired after two years. Now he didn’t make it through the second year, which could be seen as underachieving, but this is Mike Brown we’re talking about, aka the Black Flip Saunders.

I have spent sleepless nights trying to figure out how the hell Flip Saunders continued to get coaching jobs. Dude wasn’t good (this showed up in Washington in a 2 – 15 fashion), yet he got great coach opportunities. Now it was easy to conclude that he got those opportunities because of good regular season records with the great teams he coach. However I always wondered why a black coach was not granted the same opportunity to masquerade as a good coach while being a bum. And then, he rustled out of the bushes, of good timing, and mediocrity… Mike Brown.

First you have to put aside the idea of whether Brown can or cannot coach. When your career has been based on circumstance, it doesn’t matter how good you are. Instead you should celebrate equality, because finally there is a black NBA coach who has built a career on circumstances. Mike Brown wasn’t qualified for the Lakers job. He got that job because of his record with the Cleveland Cavaliers. However he’s not the reason the Cavaliers were a championship team. LeBron James was the reason the Cavaliers were in that position. In addition, LeBron James was a member of the Cavaliers prior to Mike Brown being hired, and was well on his way to leading Cleveland to the playoffs no matter the coach. So Brown essentially landed in a no lose situation, and parlayed that into a no lose situation. And that’s why he’s the black Flip Saunders. Eventually we’ll figure out if he can coach, because a Flip can only hide for so long in the NBA. But until them, I’m going to sit back and enjoy the show.

Long Live Flip

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

I Think We’re Skipping Thanksgiving This Year, “For the Sake of Christmas”

Kortney Williams — Tue, 06 Nov 2012 23:10:48 +0000

Thanksgiving will be here in 2 weeks, yet I haven’t seen any decorations. This time of year, there are usually some kind of buy one get one free turkey sale that would be advertised during football games. And those weird uncomfortable signs on the side of on your street start popping up. On which some guy is promoting a free hay ride for all the kids in the neighborhood. Personally I’ve never been quite comfortable with either of those things. I think you should only be able to buy one turkey per transaction, and hayrides are just weird. Let’s start with the fact that you have to sit in a truck Indian style on hay, while you try to maintain enough leverage, as not slide out of the back of it hip first. Then you factor in the creepy, 45 year old driver, and that’s not a place any kid should be.

This year, it seems like there’s been some kind of mandate to skip thanksgiving, and go right to Christmas¹. I have seen Christmas decorations everywhere. Now some of the decorations are on people’s homes, and there’s a good chance those are lazy people that keep them up all year. However every store is also promoting Christmas. Maybe the economy is so bad that they want us to start Christmas shopping early. Perhaps people have come to some kind of revelation that Christmas and Thanksgiving are too close, and it’s time to celebrate one or the other? Personally I don’t want to decide. I like Thanksgiving and all the prime rib and dressing it have to offer². I like eating dinner at 11am, 4pm, and again at 7pm. I like going into a food coma, while watching one of those over hyped football games. I want Thanksgiving now and forever. I’m going to start a petition, “Don’t let them carve Thanksgiving out of your life.” As a matter of fact I’m going to find one of those creepy out of work hayride ride guys on Craigslist, and get him to carry that sign around deed restricted communities. Cause those dudes need work, and after all he does it for the kids (Trick Daddy style).

1. Lewis Black actually predicted that this would happen in 2002 on Comedy Central Presents, Lewis Black. Profit?

2. If you can afford it, prime rib should be your go to, over Turkey for Thanksgiving.

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

Ball Night: Boston Celtics vs. Miami Heat, “It’s about to go down” (Gangnam style)

Kortney Williams — Tue, 30 Oct 2012 22:56:34 +0000

It is a Ball Night, with a capital “B”

After an offseason full of transactions it’s finally time to see “Who wants what?” (Memphis Bleek style)¹.

The time for speculation around the L.A. Lakers is over. We don’t have to guess how Dwight Howard will play, and how the Lakers will fit. We will now get to see it in action. We will get to see Steve Nash surprise us again by playing at the age the 66². We will get to see Kobe Bryant, and the look on his face when he finally realizes that he turned his team over to a guy that is better at smiling than post moves. And hopefully we will get to see Ron Artest forget – once again – that the idea of basketball is to actually score baskets, and instead result to his Macho Man Randy Savage like elbow drop.

After the Oklahoma City Thunder let James Harden go, many people thought they gave up on a championship run this year (me included). However, maybe the Thunder front office knows something we don’t. Perhaps Perry Jones, Kevin Martin, and Jeremy Lamb, will make up for everything Harden did for them. Maybe Russell Westbrook will rise up this year, and take his position as the best point guard in the NBA. Then again Oklahoma City does have this guy named Kevin Durant, also known as the 3 time scoring champion, also known as that dude. This could be the year Kevin Durant becomes the best player in the league.

The main event tonight is the Boston Celtics vs. the Miami Heat, and I can’t wait. I can’t wait to see Ray Allen on the bench in his Miami Heat sweats, as he watches his former team look a whole lot better without him. I can’t wait to see Kevin Garnett spit random curse at the entire city of Miami, as they celebrate their championship rings. I can’t wait for Rajon Rondo to go H.A.M. on Miami’s interior defense. I can’t wait to see if the Miami Heat treat the Celtics like champions treat teams on opening night. Maybe they’ll blow the doors off Boston, and have them scrambling for answers. Maybe LeBron James and Dwyane Wade will go Gangnam style on the Boston Celtics.

Who knows what will happen, but one thing is for sure. Tonight is a…BALL NIGHT!

I’m so happy I just quoted the often disappointing Memphis Bleek.
He’s actually 38, but he age but you have to age 28 years for carrying the Phoenix Suns.

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

When Keeping it Real Goes Wrong, Starring a Random Cleveland Bus Driver

Kortney Williams — Sun, 21 Oct 2012 23:42:32 +0000

This video speaks for itself,

Hadoken,

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane
… Read More

Go ahead and yell, “Notre Dame Sucks”

Kortney Williams — Sun, 21 Oct 2012 22:43:09 +0000

Notre Dame Football, improved to 7 – 0 on the season with a weekend. That’s right, Notre Dame’s athletic director found seven tomato cans, and the football team was able to beat them. Personally I think it calls for a nationwide celebration. I suggest we nominate Touchdown Jesus , as the next president of the United States. Usually a 7 – 0 start wouldn’t call for such a celebration, but in the name of Notre Dame, I think it’s due.

It’s easy to slam Notre Dame as being a backwards thinking organization, that has loss their sense reality. To think that they can avoid scandal, yet still be nationally relevant is preposterous. Prior to the season people said their team needed more criminals, and they had to loosen their academic restrictions. However, they did none of that, and seven games into a tough schedule (the schedule hasn’t gotten tough yet, but it will) they’re undefeated. So where are all the critics that were yelling, “Notre Dame Sucks!”

It’s very easy to kick a team when they’re down. You can come out with columns, write blog post, and even throw random hate on a message board. But when you’re wrong you should step up and say I was wrong.

So allow me to step up and say, “Notre Dame still stinks, but I was wrong about the first half of this season. However, hit me up after they play Oklahoma and USC.”

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

The Cleveland Browns get rid of their Big Tuna, Mike Holmgren

Kortney Williams — Tue, 16 Oct 2012 22:38:52 +0000

Mike Holmgren has been fired from the Cleveland Browns. Now I know there was some press release where they said he stepped down, and planned on retiring at the end of the season. However we know that’s not true. Who believes that a guy woke up 6 games into the football season and decided to quit a front office job? A job – I might add – that he hasn’t been good at since the day he walked through the door, yet he continued to cash the checks? Dude got fired, because a new owner came in, and saw that he wasn’t getting it done. This situation reminds me of the one the Miami Dolphins were in with the Big Tuna.

Bill Parcells stole money from the Miami Dolphins (Mike Holmgren style). He got a front office job based on his reputation and a Super Bowl championship. Yet he never produced any substantive results, and once there was an ownership change he went deuces. Likewise Mike Holmgren has followed suit. This move is a no lose situation. Sure you’re losing someone that was said to be a great football mind, but what did he do? After his tenure, what do the Browns have to show in the name of progress? They have the best offensive tackle in the game (Joe Thomas), and nothing else. Perhaps he’s a false profit, and just another Big Tuna.

So I think for every rational Browns’ fan when I say, “Good riddance! Deuces! Holla, don’t let the door hit you on the way out, and make sure you take your ski mask out of the top drawer.

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

Joe Biden Getting Aggressive, because His Boy Obama Got Slapped

Kortney Williams — Sat, 13 Oct 2012 20:49:51 +0000

So Joe Biden, went overly agressive dude at the strip club, during the Vice Presidential debate (I’m not sure if it’s actually a Vice Presidential debate, but it sounds right), to try to make up for the way Barack Obama got slapped around by Mitt Romney last week. Now I didn’t watch the Vice Presidential, because I don’t pay attention to the help (Scarface style).1 I did however hear about it via the front page of a newspaper that I didn’t buy.2 Apparently Joe Biden tried to make up for the unemotional egg that Obama dropped in his first debate. And while I understand his motive, I wouldn’t have been able to do it. And I say that based on experience.
I use to have a buddy named Justin that shot hoops at my house when I was a kid. Justin was someone I thought was an overall cool guy, but what I didn’t know is that he was running an elementary scale, breaking bad like Marijuana operation. What I also didn’t know is that Justin owed somebody money, and while we shot hoops one day. Bumpy Johnson came to collect.3 To make a long story short, Justin didn’t have the money, and he ended up getting slapped (Rick James style) in front of his friends. Then Bumpy got in the car and drove off while Justin tried not cry. Now I don’t know if someone thought about stepping in to defend him, but the thought never crossed my mind. Because I have a rule. If my friend is in a one on one confrontation, and he gets slapped open-handed. Then it’s my job to make sure I don’t get slapped next.

1. I always love the dialogue between Tony and Elvira when they first meet in the Scarface. Tony tries to talk to her and she hits him with the line, “I Dont bl**p the help.” That’s how I feel about any Vice Presidential debate.
2. I’m not the sucker that will admit to buy/stealing a newspaper from someone in my building
3. This was the suburbs, so Bumpy Johnson looked that weird kid in road trip.

Jersey Shore Go Away, and Don’t Come Another Day

Kortney Williams — Fri, 12 Oct 2012 03:38:27 +0000

For some reason I got suck watching the Jersey Shore a couple days ago. Now I’m not quite sure how it happened. Maybe it was fate? Kind of like a final destination situation. Where even when you try and get away. Eventually your television just gets suck on MTV at 10 o’ clock. That could be what happened. Then again I could programmed it in my TIVO a month ago, just so I could play it back after I watched it live. However it may have happened, I got locked into the first 15 minutes of the season premiere of the Jersey Shore.

The Jersey Shore is over, done, finito. We minus well zip up this body bag full of suntan lotion, and put it on the curb. All the story lines have been exhausted. Sure you can throw in a Snookie pregnancy and the idea that The Situation will stop drinking to distract us, but at the end of the day the show is still the same. It’s about hooking up with girls, watching Sam and Ronnie fight, and seeing if Jenni will eventually stop wearing clothes. The problem is, the house has had sex with every girl on the beach, the Sam/Ronnie thing is getting disturbing, and Jenni’s implants have left nothing to the imagination.

So let’s just stop the whole Shore thing, but before you stop. Make sure Ronni gets a book deal.

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

The Washington Huskies could take the Big Ten off the hook

Kortney Williams — Sat, 08 Sep 2012 08:45:24 +0000

         The Washington Huskies are slated to be the next victims of the SEC. This weekend they will get thrashed (Savannah State style) by the LSU Tigers. And after that happens, two things will be true.
1. The Big Ten cant beat the SEC consistently
2. The Pac-12 cant beat them at all.
Now Pac-12 fans want you to believe that there ready for the big time. As a matter of fact they’ll argue that their conference has been over looked, and is at worst the second best conference in the nation. Now I’m sure many will concede that argument , because they don’t watch Pac-12 games, or more likely don’t care. Its also easy to concede because the Big East is basically laughable, the Big 12′s (which is really 8 teams, but whose counting) marque teams have underachieved the last couple of years, and the Big Ten (actually have 11, but once again, who’s counting) gets their doors blown off by the SEC on what seems like a daily occurrence. However before you go all in with the Pac-12 and start ingratiating yourself with testy Oregon Fans1. Ask yourself this question? Who does the Pac-12 play?
     The Pac-12 is scene as the conference that schedules the toughest oppenents, but when is the last they scheduled a big game against the SEC? I’m not talking about Washington against LSU. That’s just feeding meat to wolves. Tell me the last Oregon played Georgia or USC played Florida? Don’t worry about looking that up on www.sports-reference.com/cfb/conferences/pac-12, I will tell you. “It doesn’t happen.” Consequently the Pac-12 is viewed as one of the top college football conferences because they don’t put themselves in the position to be exposed. On the other hand the Big Ten schedules top opponents, and while they consistently lose. At least we know where they stand.
     The Pac-12 is the fourth best conference in the nation. They don’t have the quality of the depth of the Big 12 or the Big Ten. This weekend that will be exposed, again. Hopefully the people that criticize every conference that cant beat the SEC, will be ready to jump on Washington and the Pac-12. I know I will.

1. Oregon Duck fans are starting to get testy. I think it’s because there fan base has expanded, and the influx of knew fans have an entitlement reminiscent to a traditional football power. To those fans I would say, “Dude you just showed up yesterday. Lets see if you’re still good in 5 years.”

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

Russell Wilson, to start for the Seattle Seahawks, but should he get the job?

Kortney Williams — Fri, 24 Aug 2012 21:04:25 +0000

Russell Wilson will start at quarterback, in the Seattle Seahawks’ 3rd preseason game. Because the 3^rd preseason game is widely accepted as the “dress rehersal” for the regular season, it’s now obvious that there is a quarterback competition in Seattle. But should there be?

Many people are coming out in support of Matt Flynn. “How could you bench Matt Flynn? I mean, you brought this guy in and paid him money. You have to let him start.” “Really?” I didn’t hear and uproar for Matt Hasselbeck, when the Seahawks told him to kick rocks for – Charlie Whitehurst/ Tarvaris Jackson – some other scrub they thought was better than him. The truth is Matt Flynn or any player for that matter anything. As far as I know his bonus check cleared, so the Seahawks have done right by him. Just because he paid this offseason doesn’t mean he should start. There have been a lot of quarterbacks that were expected to play based on financial investment, and eventually been benched: Donovan McNabb, Kevin Kolb, Rob Johnson. Now I will grant you that those respectively players did get the initial opportunity to fail. While in this scenario it looks like it could be taken from Flynn without a game being played. However if the Seahawks think Wilson is better, shouldn’t they just play him?

This league is still about playing the players that give you the best opportunity to win. I know Tim Tebow dopes would have you believe it has something to do character or some mythical clutch quality, but it doesn’t. “Can you play?” That’s all I want to know. I’ve seen both Russell Wilson and Matt Flynn play college football in the Big Ten and SEC respectively. And even though Flynn won a National Championship at LSU, Wilson was a better college quarterback. Now that doesn’t mean Russell will be better in the NFL. As a matter of fact you can say Flynn not only proved himself in college, but he also proved he could play in the NFL last year. So, I will concede that Matt Flynn is probably the best choice to lead the Seattle Seahawks. Maybe Pete Carroll is a college coach that is trying to outthink the room, and eventually will seal his fate in Seattle if he goes with Russell Wilson. However Carroll reserves the right to make the decision he feels is best, and if that means Russell wins the job. Than this could be an exciting season.

May the best man win!

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

What to Believe?

Chris Ross — Fri, 24 Aug 2012 14:57:43 +0000

How are we supposed believe anything anymore?

Performance enhancing drugs have seemingly taken over everything that is special in sports.

Melky Cabrera was suspended 50 games today because he tested positive for testosterone. Out of nowhere, the Melk Man had transformed himself into one of the game’s best players over the past couple of years. He currently leads the MLB in batting with a .346 average.

Steroids…of course.

That’s the easy explanation these days. Anytime something extraordinary happens, it can’t be natural. It is guys like Melky Cabrera that are making people lose faith. As expected, Cabrera was a fan favourite in his first year with the San Francisco Giants. No one could have foreseen him slashing .346/.390/.516 even after a career year with Kansas City in 2011.

I am not going to vilify Melky Cabrera. Oddly enough, he admitted to his wrongful use of performance enhancing drugs. Melky Cabrera is just another example of the sad truth of not only the baseball world, but the sports world as well.

We can’t believe anymore.

In all likelihood, Melky Cabrera isn’t the only star player receiving some sort of unnatural aid. There are others out there that haven’t been caught and will probably never be caught. The technology of the drug is always ahead of the technology to test for it.

The London Olympics brought awe-inspiring moments and moments that you will want to tell your grandchildren about. Seeing Usain Bolt dominant the 100 metre sprint was magical but it was as suspicious as it was magical. No one can be that good, can they? Despite being a 6 foot 5 freak of nature, running that fast with that much ease might be too good to be true.

Shiwen Ye, you know, that Chinese female swimmer who swam her final 50 metres of the 400 IM faster than gold medal winner Ryan Lochte. Ye beat a world record set by those fast swimsuits in Beijing regardless of the fact that she appeared to only swim her hardest for the last 100 metres of the race. Her performance was truly unbelievable but not in a good way.

These days, living by the innocent until proven guilty motto is about as realistic as communism being instituted into western society. It is impossible to have faith in athletes when we are constantly being reminded why we can’t.

Former BALCO owner Victor Conte said to the London Times that the more rigorous drug testing is easy to beat and estimated about 60 percent of the Olympic athletes at the London games were doping. Yeah, you read that right, 60 percent!

Steroids are supposed to be out of baseball yet two of the National League’s best players in the last two seasons have been found to have tested positive for a banned substance. One is being suspended and the other got off on a technicality.

The reason why sports are so appealing to the masses is that we can be amazed at the unbelievable. Most of the general public cannot fathom doing what these athletes can do on a daily basis. Special actions by athletes subsequently create special reactions from fans. However, the enchanting lure of the athlete significantly diminishes when the feat is accomplished through artificial means.

In 2012, the special has become the questionable.

We want to accept what we see as real but when we are given every reason not to accept, it becomes harder and harder. No one enjoys being deceived yet that is the feeling that surfaces every single time an athlete is exposed for using performance enhancing drugs.

I wonder how Cabrera’s legion of Melk Men feel now.

Barry Bonds, Mark McGwire, Marion Jones, Shawn Merriman, Bill Romanowski, Alex Rodriguez, Roger Clemens, the entire cycling world.

It has never been harder to accept the extraordinary than it is, right now, in 2012.

There is only one first thought that comes to mind these days when anything special is witnessed in sports.

Unfortunately, it’s steroids.

Chris Ross

Chris is a writer on Comedic Prose, and he also is the editor of Painting the Black.

You can follow Chris on twitter @paintstheblack or e-mail him at cross_can15@hotmail.com

Terrell Owens great for Seattle, irrelevant for the Seahawks

Kortney Williams — Sun, 12 Aug 2012 00:01:23 +0000

As a resident in the city of Seattle I can confidently say that Terrell Owens’ arrival to the Seattle Seahawks has created a buzz amongst fans. I have yet to go anywhere without someone asking me, “What do you think about the Seahawks getting Terrell Owens?” My answer is usually a mixture between “I don’t know, why you care, and don’t you know he’s 38?” My response is followed by them repeating the original question. At that point I sigh heavily and say, “I don’t know…you know he’s 38, right?” The conversation usually ends with them telling me he’s going to be great, or with me running out of ways of saying “I don’t know.”

Despite this interaction happening on a daily basis, I’m still shocked by the intrigue and optimism of the Seahawk fan. I mean you didn’t sign Larry Fitzgerald or Mike Wallace. You signed an old wide receiver. That was in some sandlot league last year. Now he is a first ballot hall of Famer, but that’s not what he is at this point. The funny this, every fan in Seattle knows this. Perhaps Seattle fans are happy about the arrival of Terrell Owens, because it makes them nationally relevant.

As a fan, there is no substitute for being relevant. Terrell Owens does that for the Seattle Seahawks. So rather Owens has 50 catches or none. He will be a success for Seattle Seahawk fans. As for the Seattle Seahawks franchise…?

Terrell Owens does nothing for the Seattle Seahawks. He won’t be the reason they make or miss the playoff. While Owens is an above average receiver, he can’t play Offensive Line or defensive back. The problem with the Seahawks is they don’t have enough good players. Consequently Terrell Owens is irrelevant for the Seattle Seahawks. So don’t expect Owens to be the piece that pushes Seattle over the top. You’ll probably be 7 – 9 and have no chance of making the playoffs, but at least you’ll be relevant.

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

Hating on Los Angeles Lakers’ Dwight Howard Will Stop

Chris Ross — Sat, 11 Aug 2012 23:55:44 +0000

It’s a match made in heaven that even eHarmony could have figured out. The Hollywood personality finally getting a taste of what Hollywood life is.

Dwight Howard and Brooklyn never really seemed right.

Now it’s time for the public to stop hating on Dwight Howard. I’m not telling them to stop hating. Rather, I’m saying it’s only a matter of time before Howard starts to feel the love again.

People are already starting to forget about the whole ‘indecision’ saga and are envisioning the Lakers sexy starting 5 of Nash, Kobe Bryant, Metta Word Peace, Pau Gasol and Superman himself. They are talking about whether the Lakers have the depth to match up against the likes of the Oklahoma City Thunder and Miami Heat. They are dreaming of alley-hoops and comedy sketches between one of the all-time great point guards and one of the most athletic 7-footers to ever step foot on an NBA floor.

I said all the way back in March that Dwight Howard will only be booed by the Orlando fans. Heck, that might not even be the case anymore by the time the Lakers take the court in Orlando next season.

The sports world is a very forgiving one.

A lot of guys would now rather have a beer with Tiger Woods, for reasons you can imagine, than condemn him like so many did only a couple of years ago. Michael Vick has gone from dog fighter back to NFL fan favourite, you know, when he’s not injured. Lebron James is no longer a villain simply because he won a championship and, apparently, winning cures all that ails.

People were appalled when Tiger Woods was caught cheating with 896 women. They were disgusted when Michael Vick was found to be cruel and unusual to man’s best friend. Clevelanders and non-Clevelanders burned jerseys and tore down posters when Lebron somewhat predictably spurned the Cavs.

However, people seem genuinely excited about the possibilities with Dwight Howard in a Lakers uniform.

Dwight Howard’s situation is not nearly as shocking as the others because his events were dragged out over the course of the past year. Nevertheless, hate is not the word that would define the reaction to Superman’s relocation.

Now that it is all over, Dwight Howard will probably get nothing more than a slap on the wrist in comparison to Lebron James. The NBA world will forget about Dwight Howard as fast as they will forget about 95% of the athletes in the 2012 Olympics. His immaturity will soon turn back to lovability.

D-12 is no longer the focal point either. He is the 3rd superstar on one of Los Angeles’s many prominent professional sports teams.

Dwight Howard toyed with a fan base that isn’t close to a championship with or without him. The rest of the NBA was just annoyed. Unlike Lebron James, who’s decision felt like a Mike Tyson punch to the noggin, all Dwight Howard kept doing was poking us in the arm like an infuriating little brother would.

The indecision wasn’t the worst thing in the world. It only felt like that in the moment.

The NBA world jumped on the hate Howard bandwagon. Most of them aren’t real Dwight Howard haters though. They have already jumped off and are running after the LA Lakers wagon.

Dwight Howard and all.

Chris Ross

Chris is a writer on Comedic Prose, and he also is the editor of Painting the Black.

You can follow Chris on twitter @paintstheblack or e-mail him at cross_can15@hotmail.com

Oscar Pistorius Should Not Be Running

Chris Ross — Sat, 11 Aug 2012 23:53:48 +0000

Michael Johnson is right.

400 metre sprinter and double-leg amputee Oscar Pistorius should not be running against other able-bodied competitors.

Since Pistorius started running in 2003, there have been more questions surrounding his legitimacy than Roger Clemens at a congress hearing. After years of hearings and hoping to move beyond the Paralympics, Oscar Pistorius is finally competing against the best in the world at the 2012 London Olympics. He reached the semi-finals of the 400 with a time of 45.44 seconds on Saturday.

It is so easy to be politically incorrect in the new millennium. One wrong move and it’s off with your head. Just ask the two Olympic athletes who have already been sent home for a stupid tweet.

However, with Oscar Pistorius, it isn’t ignorant or wrong to say that he shouldn’t be competing with able-bodied competitors at the Olympics. Scientists are unsure of whether Pistorius’ prosthetic legs give him an unfair advantage. It’s that very uncertainty that should prevent him from running with the others.

Michael Johnson said “my position is that because we don’t know for sure whether he gets an advantage from the prosthetics he wears, it is unfair to the able-bodied competitors.”

This isn’t like letting Jackie Robinson play in the Major Leagues.

It is true that Pistorius does have a number of disadvantages. He can’t dig in at the starting line, he can’t feel the track and he has to stand up straighter, meaning more wind resistance when he runs.

Humans want a great story. They love the underdog. Hell, who doesn’t love an underdog? People want to believe that the disadvantages Pistorius has outweigh or, at least, offset the advantages provided by his blades. Most Olympic fans won’t mind if Pistorius could have an unfair advantage because he represents the endearing qualities of perseverance, determination and overcoming adversity. Of course those are qualities that should be celebrated.

Too bad the Olympics aren’t meant for celebrating superior character traits.

Oscar Pistorius is competing against individuals who have invested their entire lives into making the Olympics. The possible unnatural benefit that Pistorius gains from his prosthetic legs has potentially ousted someone from the Olympics who may be the better runner. Someone who may be faster but has lost out because of the technology that is below the waist of Pistorius.

Pistorius shouldn’t be running at the Olympics for the same reason those who have been associated with PED’s in Major League Baseball should not be allowed into the Hall of Fame.

We just don’t know.

When Oscar Pistorius was reinstated back in 2008, the Court of Arbitration for Sport (CAS), ruled based on testimony and data collected by Peter Weyand and a group of researches, that the prostheses give no energetic advantage relevant to sprinting. However, Peter Weyand, currently director of the SMU Locomotor Performance laboratory, has come out and said that it was “dead obvious” that Pistorius has an advantage based on the data that has been collected.

Even in the ruling, CAS noted that future scientific findings could still show the ‘Cheetah Flex-Feet’ that Pistorius uses could give him a mechanical advantage. David Epstein’s article for SI.com gives a much more detailed look into the ambiguity regarding this subject.

It isn’t scary that Pistorius looks different than the other competitors. What is scary is that that the blade runner’s unnatural ability could be the thing propelling him past other competitors. An unnatural ability that has South African teammate Sibusiso Sishi skeptical. Sishi’s opinion is “I don’t mind racing [Pistorius], but I’m still a bit skeptical about his legs because they are man-made. They are carbon fiber, which means they are nice and light. I would just like him to do the tests so at least we know where we stand.”

The fact is, there should not be any doubt.

Sishi can’t go all Michael Johnson on us because he is currently running on the same national team as Pistorious. Sishi understands that Pistorius’ “man-made” legs could be unjustly taking a spot away from another, possibly more deserving South African teammate.

Moreover, Pistorius may not be a medal contender at this point in time but what kind of precedent has this set for future years and generations? What happens if and when technology improves and we are still unable to determine the prosthetics true effects?

No one is questioning Pistorius’ undoubtedly ridiculous mental strength or the inspiration his running provides others. Of course it is unfair that Oscar Pistorius was born without fibulas in his legs but that shouldn’t skew the situation at hand. A heartwarming story can’t get in the way of what is fair and what isn’t.

This isn’t not about whether you believe Pistorius’ blades give him an advantage or not.

It’s that there is even a question.

Chris Ross

Chris is a writer on Comedic Prose, and he also is the editor of Painting the Black.

You can follow Chris on twitter @paintstheblack or e-mail him at cross_can15@hotmail.com

Notre Dame is ranked 24th…why?

Kortney Williams — Sun, 05 Aug 2012 00:05:35 +0000

The Notre Dame – not so good at fighting – Irish are ranked in college football’s preseason top 25 poll.

When the preseason top 25 NCAA Football Coaches pole came out. I swarmed to it like a locust during the apocalypse. I looked at the list. I digested the list. I nervously scanned the list hoping to see The Ohio State Buckeyes despite their problems. To my surprise I was slapped in the face (Dez Bryant style) with confusion. I think I actually yelled in a high pitch, “What the hell is Notre Dame doing on this list?”

I think at this point I shouldn’t be surprised. Hell, it happens every year. No matter how awful Notre Dame shows that they are. They get ranked in the preseason. It’s as if people don’t watch the games, because if they were watch it would be plan to see that they’re not any good.

Furthermore, not only is Notre Dame not good now, but they won’t be good anytime in the near future¹. Call me crazy, but I think 50 years is a large enough sample size to evaluate the low level of talent their able to recruit. Recruiting services will tell you that they have had a top five recruiting class every year. However, if you look at the talent on the field, it’s obvious that that’s not the case. Top 5 recruiting classes don’t lose to USF.

Now I know Notre Dame apologist are cranking up their typewriter to send me hate mail via, carrier pigeon. I’m sure the first line of their hand written note will say, “Our coach stinks.” Yeah maybe your coach does stink, but if the talent is what you say it is. It wouldn’t matter who the coach is. Look no further than Larry Cocker at the University of Miami. He couldn’t coach a lick, yet he went to back to back National Championship games, managed to win one, and got jobbed out of the other one on a phantom pass interference call².

The reality is Notre Dame is closer to 40th in the nation than 25th. They’re more Cal Poly than Nebraska. I guess, you can say… they’re Notre Dame, post Lou Holtz, prohibition, and integration. An over ranked team whose reputation seems to impenetrable by lackluster yearly results. At this point we should just concede delusion to preseason voters. Perhaps then I can spare myself from getting pissed off every year. I do know one thing. By the beginning of September I will feel much better as I watch them get bludgeoned by a team we were told they were better than.

1. I say near future because there is an off chance of an apocalypse that takes out every BCS conference.

2. God bless the referee that made that call. He will forever be on my Christmas card list.

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

MLB American League Keeps Getting Better via Anaheim Angels

Chris Ross — Sun, 05 Aug 2012 00:05:01 +0000

Making the playoffs just got that much harder.

That is, if your team plays in the American League.

The MLB non-waiver trade deadline continued the wave of talent heading out to the land where the pitchers do not pick up a bat and Adam Dunn can still hit bombs. Prince Fielder and Albert Pujols flocked to the superior league in the winter but the happenings over the past few days have, to put it simply, made things ridiculous.

The real losers of the 2012 trade deadline? Every American League team.

The better league got even better.

It is unquestionable that the American League is the superior league. Despite winning only 4 out of the past 7 World Series, year-in and year-out the AL features higher quality overall talent. The interleague records reflect that as the American League once again dominated the National League in 2012, finishing with 142 wins and 110 losses. In fact, since 2004, the AL has won 55% of its games in interleague play.

That doesn’t look to be changing anytime soon.

The Miami Marlins fire sale allowed the Detroit Tigers to pick up Anibal Sanchez and Omar Infante. Ryan Dempster’s and Zack Greinke’s expiring contracts were dealt to the Texas Rangers and Los Angeles Angels respectively.

While the National League dealt numerous significant players over to the other side at this year’s trade deadline, Travis Snider and Jonathan Broxton were the only notable Major League player to make the move from the AL to the NL.

Due to the addition of the silly one-game wild-card play-in game, the American League race is tighter than a hipsters skinny jeans. 8 teams are within 6 games of a playoff spot in the AL as opposed to only 4 in the National League. Even if the previous playoff system was in effect, there would still be 5 teams within 3.5 games of a wild-card berth in the American League.

Mix in the AL Central and West division races that just got even closer due to the acquisitions of Infante, Sanchez, Dempster and Greinke, and you see that we’re in for a photo finish to the season. The amplification of the close race at the deadline was to be expected by AL teams but the increasing competition not be what anyone wanted.

As the National League becomes more top heavy, the American league gets more stacked than 1992 dream team…well maybe not that stacked but you get the picture.

From a fans perspective, it is bordering on devastating to have your team play in the American League. The MLB has had more parity in the last decade but to win the AL takes more than your average playoff team. For most teams, it takes more than just money. It takes more than a good farm system.

Easy games are, of course, more difficult to come by.

It is no longer just the AL East. The AL East has long been the poster child for stacked divisions across all sports and that hasn’t changed with the bottom feeding Toronto Blue Jays sitting 1 game below .500. However, the AL Central and, especially the West both have 3 very quality teams in their division.

No division in the American League is a 2-horse race as the amount of gimme intra-division games are diminishing.

In order to compete in the AL, more teams have to be willing to make bold, daring and present focused moves. That has been reflected in this past off-season as well as the trade deadline. Numerous teams were able to improve their rosters but, by doing so, are only maintaining the status quo.

Such is life as a franchise in the American League.

Chris Ross

Chris is a writer on Comedic Prose, and he also is the editor of Painting the Black.

You can follow Chris on twitter @paintstheblack or e-mail him at cross_can15@hotmail.com

Mission Not Accomplished for Hope Solo

Chris Ross — Mon, 30 Jul 2012 01:02:00 +0000

Unclear on the concept.

That’s Hope Solo.

Following the Americans 3-0 win over Columbia on Saturday, Solo foolishly turned to twitter in order to vent her frustrations. Hope Solo was less than thrilled with the way former American national team player Brandi Chastain was criticizing the defence and goalkeeping.

In 1 of her 4 tweets, Solo wrote “lay off commentating about defending and gking until you get more educated @brandichastain the game has changed from a decade ago. #fb.” Her final tweet read “I feel bad 4 our fans that have 2 push mute, especially bc@arlowhite is fantastic.@brandichastain should be helping 2 grow the sport #fb”

She basically says that Chastain’s comments are hurting the growth of soccer in the United States rather than helping it.

It’s pathetic really. Solo sounds unhappy that Chastain was doing her job with professionalism and objectivity. Her comments indicate that she would rather have an announcer who is as homer as Hawk Harrelson. Essentially, she condemned Brandi Chastain for not being pro-American enough.

News Flash Hope: Not everything can be sunshine and lollipops.

You would think that a figure as publicly recognized as Hope Solo could let the criticism roll right off her back. She must have heard her fair share of critique throughout her professional career. It’s odd that after a convincing 3-0 victory she would take to twitter to criticize an American soccer icon (Chastain was the player who took off her shirt, showing nothing but her sports bra, after her game winning penalty shot in 1999).

It’s ludicrous that Solo believes a little constructive criticism from a commentator is somehow harmful to the state of women’s soccer in the US.

Brandi Chastain didn’t say anything outrageous. Deadspin posted a 20 second clip where Chastian remarks that “as a defender her responsibilities are defend, win the ball and then keep possession. That’s something that Rachel Buehler needs to work on and, I think, improve on in this tournament.”

Blasphemous?

The state of women’s soccer or women’s sports in general throughout North America isn’t going to be affected by the somewhat negative observations from a single commentator. In fact, that kind of stuff is probably better for the sport. If Hope Solo wants the women’s game to be respected across the country, then the commentators have to announce the game the way it should be.

Seeing the game through rose-coloured glasses sure won’t make anything better.

Hope Solo speaks of Chastain’s supposed lack of focus on growing the game of soccer but the intent of her tweets clearly show that she is more worried about matters unrelated to that very issue. She is an ambassador for soccer throughout North America but she selfishly chose to attack Chastain in the most public realm possible.

They say bad publicity is good publicity but Hope Solo’s twitter tantrum might be one of those exceptions. If she wants to help the sport grow, it might be a good idea to show America that she is more concerned with winning a gold medal than attacking a critic. This is not the attention that women’s soccer so desperately seeks.

She utilized her power as the most recognizable member of U.S. women’s soccer to unnecessarily put the target on the back of an innocent commentator. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion but it is not Hope Solo’s place to be intervening in a matter such as this publicly.

Bringing publicity to the release of her upcoming memoir? Getting in a shot to continue some bad blood with an old teammate? Showing support for her current teammates? Protecting herself? Sending out not 1, not 2, not 3, but 4 hate filled tweets possibly accomplished a number of things.

Helping to grow the game?

That’s one item on Hope Solo’s agenda that won’t be achieved as a result of this.

Chris Ross

Chris is a writer on Comedic Prose, and he also is the editor of Painting the Black.

You can follow Chris on twitter @paintstheblack or e-mail him at cross_can15@hotmail.com

About time to fork the 2012 Cleveland Indians

Kortney Williams — Mon, 30 Jul 2012 00:55:55 +0000

After the Cleveland Indians won last week’s series against the Detroit Tigers, not only did Cleveland fans think they could make a run at the A.L. Wildcard. They also thought that they could win the division.

While I watched them play I couldn’t help but think, “Maybe this young team has found a way to get it done. Perhaps they have an effective starting pitcher that can throw a ball over the plate without it being taken deep?” After watching the Indians get smashed at home this weekend against the Minnesota Twins (Justin Morneau style), those assertions sounds ridiculous. In actually the Indians are probably a mediocre team that managed to squeak out two games against and underachieving Tigers squad.

It may be time to pull out the fork for the Cleveland Indians. I say “May” because they’re only five games back with about 60 games left to play. However if you been watching this team it would be wise to at least open the knife drawer, and start deciding which one you want to use.

If the Indians don’t start playing better in the next 2 weeks, it’s over. I feel like they have a sufficient offense to make a run in their division, but they a lacking reliable starting pitching.

Earlier this year, I wrote that I wanted Justin Masterson sent to Uzbekistan and Josh Tomlin to be sent to a minor league intermural team in Toledo. Now I would like to amend my position. I want Masterson on a Pontoon boat in the Atlantic, and I want Tomlin to stop pitching for the rest of his life’ because clearly he’s no good. I don’t know how you consistently stink, but still keep your job. Even José Mesa thinks this guy has a long leash. Maybe Tomlin can partner up with Rick Ankiel and he can teach him how to play center field.

One bright spot for the Indians rotation has been Zach McAllister. After being called up to the Majors he has shown that he has the skills needed to stay. It is yet to be seen if he’s worthy of the middle of the rotation or if he will come out of the bullpen. It’s hard to tell after only 10 starts. We’ll see what happens once hitters have tape on him. At that time I will reevaluate my position. I may ditch every good thing I said about him at the beginning of this paragraph and make him the captain of The “Pitchers that can’t seem to get an out” Pontoon boat.

Unless the Indians completely implode in the next two weeks, one would have to say that they’re having an impressive season. They are a young team that has been competitive despite glaring disadvantages. However, that won’t stop me from grabbing the fork and holding it over my head (“Hacksaw” Jim Duggan style), while I scream profanities at the pitcher.

See you in a couple of weeks.

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

Ichiro Suzuki, the broken crutch of terrible Seattle Mariners’ ownership

Kortney Williams — Wed, 25 Jul 2012 18:27:28 +0000

Seattle Mariners fans should feel what, about Ichiro Suzuki being traded?

Now I know that he asked to be traded, but this dude was still the adopted hometown hero. You would think there would be some type of outrage toward the Mariners front office, especially since he was traded to a team who they were playing that night at home. However living in Seattle, I don’t get that feeling from the fan base. I walked the clean streets of Seattle after the trade expecting to find some kind of outrage. Maybe some sort of energy efficient fire burning outside of Safeco Field, but that doesn’t seem to be the sentiment. Now I didn’t really get a chance to take the temperature of the fan base, because I’m not sure where the fan base is. I guess it’s the 500 people that actually show up to the games. At the same time if a fan base consists of 500 people, is that fan base?

It’s my assertion that the Mariners front office has destroyed the Mariner fan. They were able to do this with the power of Ichiro Suzuki. Suzuki gave them the ability to sell baseball to the Asian community in Seattle and overseas, regardless of wins and loses. Consequently they were able to make money without having to put a winning product on the field. So while it was great to watch a Hall of Famer go H.A.M. and slap singles. Ichiro became a crutch for an organization that is only concerned with lining their pockets.

Once upon a time the Mariners were a great team. In 2001, they tied the record for the most regular season wins of all time. Management could have easily kept that going by investing in talented players. Attracting free agents to Seattle would have been no problem. Who doesn’t want to play in city as great as Seattle? You have loyal fans, a safe place for a family, and outside chance that to steal donuts with Golden Tate. Sure they may have lost players like Alex Rodriguez who were just ready to leave, but they could have acquired players like Prince Fielder. That type of free agent who wants to get paid and play ball. They could have been the American League version of the San Francisco Giants. Instead they decided to continually cut payroll and sell off talent for dudes that can’t play (please see Justin Smoak). And they were able to do that because they were leaning on Ichiro.

Now that Ichiro is gone I expect the Mariners organization to do one of two things. Either they will be forced by the lack of support by a frustrated fan base to build a quality team, or they will be the Kansas City Royals. I believe that they should invest in free agents and be committed to winning. It would be so easy to be great in Seattle. You have one of the top 3 stadiums in the League and nothing else to compete against. You can say the Seahawks are competition, but if the Mariners are in the playoffs hunt. The 12^th man will trickle over to Safeco. There’s no rush to see 3 yards and a cloud of dust. They could brand Seattle as a baseball city, and become the number one team. Or they can continue to torture their fan base.

As a Cleveland sports fan. I am an expert in diagnosing a tortured fan base, and the Mariner fans definitely qualify. I know people will point to the fact that they don’t show up to games, but who wants to pay to see a Triple-A baseball team (unless the Yankees are in town…too soon?). When your power hitter in Justin Smoak, is hitting below .200 and striking out more than a chubby chick at a frat party. What’s the point in going to watching? If you want to pay to have pain inflicted on you, sign up for a circumcision study.

To be taken advantage of while having the allusion that you are building something can fun. However when the crutch is finally gone, and you realize that there is only one major league player in the lineup, there has to be some kind of anger; Perhaps an energy efficient fire outside of Safeco Field. Then again if ownership doesn’t care, why should the fan. Just bid farewell to Ichiro the same way you did Randy Johnson and Ken Griffey Jr. and continue to not support terrible ownership by showing up to games. Maybe then they will invest in a viable team instead of slap hitting crutch.

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

Kobe Bryant, exercising his old man filter

Kortney Williams — Mon, 23 Jul 2012 21:46:36 +0000

Kobe Bryant of the Los Angeles Lakers recently came out in support of Pau Gasol for some inexplicable reason. He said, “As long as I’m there, he’s going to be there.” Now I didn’t know Gasol needed support. Perhaps I’m wrong, but I don’t think real basketball games are being played. Sure there’s this Olympic allusion, but those can’t be considered real games when the USA have all the best players. So it is the offseason. Pau needs Bryant’s support in December when Mitch Kupchak is trying to trade him. So why does Kobe Bryant come out with this statement, because he’s exercising his old man filter.

Eventually everyone gets to the age where they don’t care about public perception anymore. Usually you start unknowingly offending people and limit your wardrobe to 2 pair of shoes (They also wear those tube socks with the stripes at the top). This is what’s going on with Kobe Bryant, save the 2 pair of shoes.

Kobe knows Pau Gasol is a great player, and that will help him win another championship. He also knows that Gasol is more sensitive than a newborn albino baby with a peanut allergy. So it only makes sense that Kobe would come out and support Pau. All of those things make logical sense. The weird thing is the timing. However that can be chalked up to Kobe’s old man filter.

So Kobe Bryant is fine there’s no need to go to his house and debate this on ESPN: First Take. This is just an old man embracing his swagger. And if this is any sign of what’s to come in the future. I’m going to love the last few years of Kobe’s playing career.

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

The Daily Take: How Jeremy Lin “Slammed” the New York Knicks

Mr. Kyle Williams — Mon, 23 Jul 2012 17:32:02 +0000

NBA owners really have to grow up. Between Cleveland, Orlando, and New York, we have a consortium of owners who just don’t “get it.” I am completely baffled at all times by old white guys who really think they’ve bought inanimate toys. They sit around on their carpet and like marbles or pogs (yeah, I just said pogs . . . get ya Slammer game right), they watch them fight to their near death on a yearly basis, and then whether they win or lose, they prepare to pick up their toys, put them next to that old tuna sandwich in their lunchbox and walk home. If anything has been proven in this new era of the NBA[1], it’s that players are no longer pogs. If this was 1994, everyone would happily be re-signing with their teams as they angrily stare like wild dogs at the team across the state-lines. However, exploitation days are over.

IF the NBA owners want to be successful, they need to buy low and sell high. However, these young African – American men know their stock as well, and likewise have learned to buy low and sell high, which leads me to my daily take: Jeremy Lin(sational/sanity/sane-in-the-membrane/t roller?) leaving the New York Knicks.

Like Denzel says in Training Day “the sh*t is chess, it ain’t checkers . . . that’s the game I’m playin’ his ass.” And boy, did James Dolan’s ass get played.

Every once in a while when you’re playing pogs, you look through that lunchbox of yours and find something rolling around . . . a Slammer you TOTALLY FORGOT YOU HAD![2] [3] Jeremy Lin was that Slammer. He dropped buckets, dollars, and wins on to a depleted NY franchise that had suffered as the last team in New York since the days of Isaiah Thomas.[4] Then, when Amare, Melo, and Shumpert came back, what do you do? You try to find a happy medium between your new and old Slammer(s). But when you’re Slammer gets chipped, you obviously put it away until you get it fixed. Jeremy Lin got chipped up and decided to sit the bench. However, here is where humans prove they can never be pogs. When Dolan wanted to put his super-slammer back out there, Lin the human said “I’m only 85%.”

James Dolan begins to go through the stages of grief and write long, sobbing emails to Dan Gilbert about what he should do to get his toys back and happy again.

All the while, Jeremy Lin did the exact thing he should’ve done; he tested the other lunchboxes in the schoolyard. He happened to find another lunchbox that had zero Slammers, which needed one really badly. My sources tell me[5] that now James Dolan let his Slammer go, in part, because he was upset that his toy wanted to leave. What trash.

So now, we have Dan Gilbert in 2008 writing the 95 theses of how to act like a pre-pubescent 7 year – old, the Orlando Magic acting like a 8 year-old in love with Sally Jenkins (and can’t let go),[6] and now our most recent installment, James Dolan acting like the 9-year old on the monkey bars saying “nah-na nah-na boo-boo, I don’t have to sign you.”[7] The only problem with this theory . . . Dan, you did have to sign him.

I’m sorry to say it, but Jeremy Lin was New York’s best hope for going deep into the playoffs. This is now a point-guard driven league. Jeremy Lin was the only PG the Knicks had that was in-shape, had both ACL’s and wasn’t spoiled by the NY lifestyle.[8] On top of that he killed Derek Fisher (something Steve Blake couldn’t do), and wait . . . didn’t he torch Jason Kidd last year when NY played and beat the Mavericks??? Further, I was stunned to find out that even after bouncing around that much; he was only 23 years old. So why wouldn’t you treat him like a Kyrie Irving at Duke? Kyrie obviously was not a bust, but c’mon you’d be crazy to put his 11 games at Duke above Jeremy Lin’s 25 starts in New York?

James Dolan should’ve treated Jeremy Lin like a rookie. He should’ve treated him like an asset he desperately needed to take a risk on in this PG – driven league. He didn’t. Now, you can find him in NY, walking around with a lunchbox full of old Slammers that can’t get him past the first round.

[1] “…new era of the NBA”: The post-Kwame Brown era when owners decided to protect themselves they would limit the amount of money rookies could make, and like-wise players like LBJ and D-Wade decided to limit the amount of years they would sign on to stay in one place. Funny, just like kids, even owners needed someone else to police themselves. But now, they hate their own rules (restricted free agents, offer sheets, soon they’ll be complaining that they should be able to re-bid on their amnestied players . . . just watch . . . How I know? I’ve played with “pogs” a lot.)

[2] Mine was a Michael Jordan “45” pog. It was about the weight of a small child and could easily flip an enough cardboard that an entire room would need to be cleaned before a next turn.

[3] FYI: Just had to make another note and thanks to Bill Simmons for re-inviting the footnote into the blogosphere. What he did in footnotes in The Book of Basketball was probably the funniest shit in the book, and thus made the 500+ pages actually readable. Some people argue about the third level of the Hall of Fame . . . Bill and his footnotes made it hilarious. It is for this reason I use footnotes, anyone who doesn’t pay homage is lying . . . i.e. Thanks Bill.

[4] Isaiah’s only comments of the Slam Dunk contest he judged: “He made me say ooh, he made me say aah.” What a waste. Some guys should never be GMs. Especially great players. Danny Ainge, Danny Ferry are middle of the road guys, they can do that. But for the greats, please just let us remember you that way. But these same guys are too competitive. Is it by happenstance, Bird, Magic, Michael, Isaiah, and most recently Shaq have been involved in front office politics? No! They’re competitors. So, here’s my first of many pleas . . . Kobe . . . PLEASE DON’T DO IT!

[5] a la Chris Broussard

[6] This works because when you’re in love and young you try EVERYTHING! You’ll ignore her, make fun of her, go behind her back and tell her secrets to your head coach, you beg for her to stay, and then once she’s checked out, finally, you beg for her to come back.

[7] That rhyme doesn’t really translate to written form well, but you get what I mean . . if not, just say it a gain with your thumb on your nose and wave your fingers back and forth.

[8] Felton, Shumpert, and J. Kidd (respectively).

Kyle Williams

Kyle is a writer on Comedic Prose

Follow Kyle on Twitter @darealkwilliams

No Jeremy Lin Situation

Chris Ross — Mon, 23 Jul 2012 16:20:05 +0000

The New York Knicks had 2 choices: One, they pay a generous amount of money to keep Jeremy Lin in the Big Apple. Two, they let Linsanity walk and every greenback dollar that his sensation would have brought to the franchise along with it.

There was no right choice for James Dolan.

Sign Lin to the 3 year, $25 million backloaded contract and you risk compromising your already delicate as a baby’s head roster. Carmelo Anthony and J.R. Smith have both gone public about their displeasure with the enormity of Lin’s contract. Behind the scenes locker-room balance is often overblown by the media but Linsanity could very well have produced a major rift among the Knick players.

Not to mention that bringing Lin back would in all likelihood have meant a similar and familiar fate for the New York Knicks and their fans – no championship. Because of the danger Lin’s contract posed to the Knicks financially, anything less than a championship in his 3 years would have been deemed a failure.

Considering what the Knicks have given up to create this “superstar” roster to match that of Miami and Oklahoma City, bringing Jeremy Lin back would have brought even more unrealistic expectations to a team that has shown no ability to contend.

On the other hand, let him walk and the Knicks risk losing a potential star quality NBA point guard. Lin doesn’t even have an entire season under his belt yet has shown that he can play at a level that most NBA players could never reach. The Knicks brass will never hear the end of it if Jeremy Lin finds a way to blossom in the Houston Rockets organization.

Lin will have to fall flat on his face in Houston to silence Lin’s legion of fans in New York.

3 point guards, a big luxury tax hit in 3 years and almost undoubtedly no championship? Raymond Felton, Jason Kidd and no hope for a championship?

With Jeremy Lin, the Knicks were left without a good alternative.

Jeremy Lin is as unknown as the unknown gets. At this point, the mystery of Lin is tougher to solve than Jack the Ripper. No one knows who Jeremy Lin really is and who he really can be. The riddle of Lin is what has made this so doggone difficult for the Knicks.

Despite James Dolan’s apparent disgust regarding Lin’s lack of loyalty, it is peculiar that, since their season ended, New York had been adamant in the fact that they would match whatever offer Jeremy Lin received. Marketing aside, Lin has immense potential that you would have thought the Knicks wanted to explore. They discovered Lin so it made sense that they wanted to see what type of player he could turn into. By handing him over to the Rockets it’s as if they discovered gold in a small untouched area yet didn’t want to fully invest in the possibility that the entire area could be flooded with gold.

While the marketability of Jeremy Lin clearly wasn’t as big a deal as it was made it out to be, the Knicks still lose out on that as well by setting Lin free.

Nevertheless, there was so much lose and awfully little win surrounding both choices in this decision-making process.

That is why it is so difficult, one way or the other, to condemn or applaud the Knicks in choosing to let Jeremy Lin sign with the Rockets.

There was just no Linning this one.

Chris Ross

Chris is a writer on Comedic Prose, and he also is the editor of Painting the Black.

You can follow Chris on twitter @paintstheblack or e-mail him at cross_can15@hotmail.com

New York Knicks are right in letting Jeremy Lin walk

Kortney Williams — Mon, 16 Jul 2012 06:01:46 +0000

Sources¹ say that the New York Knicks will not match the Houston Rockets offer for Jeremy Lin. That means New York has probably seen the last of Linsanity. That also means that the Knicks may have someone in the front office with a brain. I know New York loved Linsanity, but I don’t get the feeling that the fans are sad to see him go. I think everyone knew the phenomena that was Jeremy Lin would end eventually. I would liken his ascension to that of MC Hammer. We embraced the novelty of Hammer but we all knew it had a shelf life. There’s only so long a grown man can dance around with parachute pants on. In Jeremy Lin’s case, there’s only so long you can masquerade as New York savor without actually doing something.

The New York Knicks were right to not resign Jeremy Lin for several reasons. Let’s set aside the obvious reason which is that fact that he’s not that good, and isn’t worth $25 million. Who spends $25 million for a limited backup point guard, except for the Houston Rockets. The Knicks were right not to sign Jeremy Lin because of his limited time in the floor. Dude just hadn’t played enough games. Just think, at the height of Linsanity he had started 10 games and Mike D’Antoni still had a job. Of course it all came to an end on a night in February when Mario Chalmers went Son of Glove on him.

Now I know later on Lin got injured, but how serious was the injury? It was reported that he was working out during the playoffs, and said he was 85%. So why didn’t he play? Maybe he didn’t want to risk being exposed by Mario Chalmers and the Miami Heat in the playoffs once again? That leads me to the main reason why the New York Knicks shouldn’t resign Lin.

He’s knows he’s a fraud.

There is such a thing as over achieving and under achieving. There is also such a thing as over achieving for a limited time because of the situation you’re in. The later best describes what Jeremy Lin did in New York. Many teams are fooled into giving players like Lin big contracts. Sometimes their stuck in a compromised situation, and they cave into the pressure. That could have been the outcome for the Knicks and Jeremy Lin. However Lin saved the Knicks from making a mistake. By sitting out during the playoffs, Lin told Knicks, “In not who you think I am.” He minus well have recruited a street team to hand out Fraudsanity shirts.

So to Knicks fans I would say you dodged a bullet. Be happy that the Knicks finally made a decision that didn’t set your franchise back 3 years. Maybe this will drive away the ghost of Isiah Thomas. Then again…you still have a ball stopper in Carmelo Anthony, a 75 year old point guard, and a power forward that can’t stay healthy. The ghost may not be completely gone, but it could be on its way out.

1. I always wonder who sources are. I think they make up sources. Sources could be that dude that gives bad haircuts at the barber shop.

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

Joe Paterno — Trapped By Legacy

Chris Ross — Mon, 16 Jul 2012 06:01:11 +0000

Legacy and reputation.

So much stock is put into how a public figure will be remembered after he has retired. Because of this reality, most individuals will do as much as they can to ensure they are seen in a good light when all has been said and done.

Joe Paterno was duped by this reality.

Damning evidence from the Freeh Report came out today concluding that JoePa and other Penn State officials decided to conceal the child sex abuse claims against Jerry Sandusky. The Freeh Report leaves virtually no doubt to Joe Paterno’s involvement, or lack thereof, in the whole Sandusky fiasco.

Reputation destroyed. Legacy destroyed.

Joe Paterno was beloved not only in the state of Pennsylvania but around the United States by the time 1998 rolled around. He was beloved for the football program he ran. He was beloved for the way he molded teenagers into men. He was beloved for creating an environment that any parent would be happy to send their child to.

This was the Penn State way.

Then, the allegations surfaced. The Freeh Report states that Joe Paterno and Penn State officials knew in knew about Sandusky’s crimes in 1998 and 2001 but they didn’t do a damn thing about it.

Joe Paterno was selfishly thinking of his reputation, his legacy.

Joe Paterno didn’t do the right thing in 1998 because Jerry Sandusky’s shortcomings had the potential to burst the bubble of Penn State’s pristine reputation. Jerry Sandusky rose through the ranks from the very beginning of Joe Paterno’s reign as head coach in 1966. By 1998, Sandusky had been part of Paterno’s program for over 30 years. To nail Sandusky in 1998 would have possibly meant a black mark on Joe Paterno’s aura of greatness. At least, that’s the way Paterno must have seen it.

He had worked for over 30 years to create one of the most storied programs in all of College Football. JoePa wasn’t going to let his disturbed, long-time assistant coach get in the way of that so he let him off the hook. Not coincidentally, Sandusky was no longer coaching at Penn State after the 1999 season. Amazingly, it wasn’t until the 2001 allegations that Penn State officials banned Sandusky from bringing children to campus. They still didn’t report him to the child welfare authorities though.

It’s hard to imagine any person with a soul enabling Sanduksy to do the horrible things that he did. However, when reputation and legacy are on the line for a public figure as adored as Joe Paterno, it is a little easier to imagine. Just a little…

Sports icons are such an important part of society but too much significance is placed on their legacy and reputation. These icons and heroes want to be thought of and remembered as people who made a positive difference in both the sports and real world. Few had made as big a difference as Paterno had in his years in charge of the Nittany Lions football program.

In large part due to the media and fans obsession with lifetime status, too much emphasis is put on the legacy and reputation of our sports figures.

It takes away their focus from the now. It can cloud their judgement. Clearly it did for JoePa.

By no means is that a valid excuse for Joe Paterno. As a human being living on earth, it was his duty to report Jerry Sandusky to the proper authorities. But he didn’t do what he should have at the time because he was worried about how he would be perceived in the future.

In 2001, when graduate assistant Mike McQueary saw Sandusky in a campus shower with a boy, it was too late. Joe Paterno and Penn State were in too deep. After covering up the Sandusky accusations in 1998, to do anything at that point would have ruined them faster than Bernie Madoff.

To report Sandusky would have obviously been the right choice but Joe Paterno was only thinking of himself. He was thinking about how this scandal would reflect on him. Burying the problem and hoping it would go away was the answer if he wanted to maintain his good standing with the public.

There may not have been evidence beyond a reasonable doubt to send Roger Clemens to jail. Nevertheless, it appears as though he was willing to lie to congress in order to keep his good reputation. He likely committed a felony simply to uphold his legacy. Roger Clemens couldn’t bear the thought of the public viewing him differently.

Brett Favre is often criticized for the way he handled his retirement. In the eyes of many, his legacy is tarnished. But Favre didn’t care about that when he was playing/retiring. He didn’t care and it allowed him to have one of the greatest seasons a quarterback could ever dream of at the tender age of 40.

Comparing Favre’s situation to Paterno’s may seem kind of ridiculous. Yes, the magnitude of their circumstances aren’t even on the same scale but there are similar principles. As indecisive as he was, Brett Favre did what he felt was right at the risk of his legacy and was rewarded for it.

Joe Paterno swept aside what was right in favour of his legacy.

Everyone had Joe Paterno up on a pedestal, including himself. Apparently, the possibility of tainting that image even slightly was enough reason to cover up a child sex abuse scandal.

There are still some diehard Penn State fans who are struggling with the undeniable evidence against Joe Paterno. It’s difficult for them. They don’t want their beloved hero to be remembered like this. They don’t want to remember Joe Paterno like this.

It’s the sad truth about the sports world. The importance of legacy and reputation can trump all.

No matter the cost.

Chris Ross

Chris is a writer on Comedic Prose, and he also is the editor of Painting the Black.

You can follow Chris on twitter @paintstheblack or e-mail him at cross_can15@hotmail.com

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