The Jersey Shore is over, done, finito. We minus well zip up this body bag full of suntan lotion, and put it on the curb. All the story lines have been exhausted. Sure you can throw in a Snookie pregnancy and the idea that The Situation will stop drinking to distract us, but at the end of the day the show is still the same. It’s about hooking up with girls, watching Sam and Ronnie fight, and seeing if Jenni will eventually stop wearing clothes. The problem is, the house has had sex with every girl on the beach, the Sam/Ronnie thing is getting disturbing, and Jenni’s implants have left nothing to the imagination.

So let’s just stop the whole Shore thing, but before you stop. Make sure Ronni gets a book deal.

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

How disturbing is that new Burger King commercial with Steven Tyler (what a terrible introduction I just wrote. I sound like some critic from on high looking down through a monocle while wearing Larry King suspenders)? I may never eat fast food again.

At first I didn’t know it was him. I thought it was some kind of superimposed picture of Michael Jackson #TheKingIsBack. I thought the people responsible for that Tupac Coachella hologram went in business with Burger King, and decided to make us piss our pants. Once I figured that it was Steven Tyler I was even more freaked out, because he looked so dead (I found that ironic because if you eat enough Burger King eventually you will look like Steven Tyler. “That’s right! If you eat enough Whopper jr’s, you too can look like an 80-year-old woman with small tits.”). Why you would want someone who looks like that to promote your food is beyond me. I know that he’s on American Idol, but that’s just a gimmick. It’s kind of like when Tim Tebow is given the opportunity to play quarterback¹. Everyone knows it’s not going to work, but we also want to see the car accident that he is. So if Burger King is dead set on making Steven Tyler part of their ad campaign they need to go all out. Don’t play with the idea of putting him in commercials. No! Make Steven Tyler the Burger King. That’s right fire the weird elf that runs around in that king costume, and let Tyler run out and scare the masses. Sure it may creep out the kids, but how funny would it be to see Steven Tyler running around a football field.

1. Gotta through Tebow in a column once a week. It’s mandatory

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

This season of the Jersey Shore sucks (whew now that I got that out of my system)!

I told myself that I was done with the Jersey Shore after this season. I kept that proclamation to myself. However the latex gods that be, must have been of the same opinion. The gods of latex have powers far greater than mine. I can only wish failure and hate from afar. The latex gods have the ability to alter your life with a slight manufacture defect. And they came through in a big way by dropping an 18 year liability in Snooki‘s pouch (Maury Povich style).

Now that Snooki is pregnant that probably spells the end of the Jersey Shore, and that’s a great thing. When this show started it was all about drinking and getting it in. Now it’s about middle age people sharing a frat house that the size of a tuna fish can. I’m tired of watching Deena dress sexy as I throw up ever so slightly in my mouth. The best thing going for the show was Snooki’s ability to down tequila shots like a sorority girl being hazed. Now that she pregnant I think it hampers her ability to perform, and brings the show to miserable end. I actually want to personally thank the latex gods, because even though I was dead set on not watching another season. I would have probably gotten weaken by MTV previews. MTV would have put together some tantalizing preview of The Situation falling off a balcony, or Single Ronnie sliding down a DNA encrusted stripper pole. Me turning away from that kind of temptation, is about as likely as a Heroin addict throwing away a perfect good spoon. So I’m glad the decision was made for me.

I do still like the idea of the show. Hopefully they get a new, younger cast with healthy livers. In the meantime I will focus on the Real World Challenge, while I send reality show ideas to the soon to be mother.

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

When I found out that Paula Abdul got fired from some show called The X Factor I was almost brought to tears. I was stunned. It completely caught me off guard. Really? Paula got fired, straight up? What happened? Was she smoking crack again (I don’t know if she smoked crack the first time but it’s funny and I have no problem assassinating someone’s character in the name of comedy. Especially when I’ll never have to stand behind them)? Maybe she boned one of the contestants again (American Idol style).

Now I’m not sure what the X-Factor is exactly because I have video games to play during primetime. It may be terrible, and Paula leaving may be a sign of the end. I think it’s some type of singing game show that wishes it were American Idol. And if you want to have a singing show be successful. You need a bat crazy pill popper who’s prone to slur their words and occasionally take a nap while working. Now with that element gone, the show’s success will have to rely on Mr. Tight Shirt Himself, Simon Cowell (Even Mark Cuban thinks his shirt is too tight). “Oh this won’t be a good ending.”

So what is Paula going to do next?

I don’t know, but I hope she gets another television job within the hour. America can’t afford to lose this natural disaster without fully exploiting it. I’ve seen the look in this dumpster babies’ eyes and she has a lot more fight in her. She can’t hang up the Percocet yet. Even if she doesn’t get another television job she needs to do something. Maybe she can open up a daycare or a Rottweiler kennel. It could be named something clever like “Paula’s Pooches (that’s a title for either business).” Or maybe she could have a reality show in which she robs OxyContin dealers, kind of like Omar from The Wire. Just imagine her staggering around San Francisco on a cane while children yell, “There go Paula, There go Paula. Abdul coming!” “Hide your kids, hide your wife, and hide your husband cause she raping everybody out here.”

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

A few days ago I made the point to take time out and catch up on the Jersey Shore. Unfortunately it slipped my mind and the second episode was removed from online streaming. Now I have to admit I was sadden, however it didn’t last long. Because the Jersey Shore Comes on MTV aka the network that plays programing to the point you want to stab yourself to neck. So cranked up the television (floor model T.V. style), ratcheted over to MTV, and low and behold, a Jersey Shore marathon. I made it just in time to watch the last season of the Jersey Shore, and the newest episodes. And I’m glad I did.

After trying everything I could to stay awake during the first episode. It was great to not have to use smelling salts to stay remain conscious during the last two episodes. Those episodes were jam-packed with body fluids and confusion, which is the way I like the Shore. So everything was going good until somebody decided to drop Vinny’s anxiety problem in my lap. What the hell? Why couldn’t somebody edit that out? I don’t watch the Jersey Shore for sentiment or moral takeaways. “No!” I want somebody to bring home grenade that ends up stealing somebody’s wallet. “So in the future MTV could you edit that out, or at least tell me at what point I will occur during the episode. That way I can go take a piss until it’s over (race horse style).

    Once Vinny went home we got back down to the business of picking up random(s) at the bar. Now I hate to judge someone, but after 2 years can we conclude that if you come back to the Shore after the club, you have no self-respect. So don’t come back to the house and then get religion. “That’s right girl from Bosnia (I think it was Bosnia) with that pissed off look on your face¹. If you come back with my boy Pauly D assume the position. Don’t sit there and think about it just go for it. If you don’t know what to do just ask Ryder. And if you do leave the house by all means don’t come back. The first rule of Shore house is wants the grenade has left the premises; the grenade has left the premises. Holla! Adios! Hasta Luego! Get the stepping (Martin style)!”

Lastly, what up with The Situation? Who goes to someone else’s birthday party with their family and expects to be celebrated. You have to be either oblivious or stupid. Now the fact that he didn’t get some type of recognition for his birthday when he got home is messed up. However, when you’re a Douche Bag 85.9% of the time that’s what you get.

“Look Sitch if you change your personality I’m sure thing will change, but before you do that. Keep pushing Snooki into telling us what happened in that room.

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

You can Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

Just when you think the Jersey Shore can’t get any better. They hit you with a sub par episode that you feel obligated to watch. Now there wasn’t a lot there but do you think that’s going to prevent me from breaking it down?

Even though that’s was one of the most depressing Jersey Shore episodes there are some in arguable takeaways. First all the cast is starting to look a little strung out. They look like a 70s rock band that’s been dropping acid for the last month on a European tour. This is a group that should have broken up a long time ago. The Jersey Shore is the Guns and Roses of reality television. Snooki is Axl Rose, Deena is some weird roadie…. I don’t know who everyone else is. Let just leave here before it starts to get weird and unfunny.

As much as things have changed the story remains the same. What happened between The Situation and Snooki? What went on in that room that only Snooki, Ryder, The Situation, and The Unit were invited to (the unit is a Douche name and something you should never have to call another man)? We all know that it’s going to come out, because there’s no way Sitch can hold that kind of ammunition. I’ll give it 2 weeks, until Mike shows up with some photos or a strand of DNA to prove his point. And J can’t wait (Bart Scott style).

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor of Comedic Prose

www.comedicprose.com/kortneywilliams