I’ve heard mystical stories of Brazilian restaurants that would feed you an unlimited amount of meat. All you had to do is pay a flat rate, and they would bring you meat by the wheel barrow.

I remember when my brother told me a story of such a place. He said they brought him meat until he ripped a hole through his underpants. And even after he told them that his underpants were torn, and he couldn’t take any more. They tried to entice him to eat more meat. They actually brought in the girl that danced in Big Boi’s The Way You Move video, and had her serenade him with a cheesesteak. I couldn’t believe that that story was true…until.

Yesterday I finally went to one of those mystical Brazilian restaurants, and I too, ripped through my underpants.

I had no idea that the meat would be so free. I was expecting hamburgers and hotdogs, with perhaps the option to upgrade. However, not only did they not have hotdogs, but they upgraded me for free. I had my choice of Flank Steak, Top Sirloin, and Filet Mignon.

I ate all the meat I could. By the end of the dinner I waddled out of the restaurant like the poster child for what a glutton is (I kind of started to resemble that fat guy that died in seven). So it’s needless to say I had a good time…until. I woke up in the middle of the night with the stomach pain of a woman in her 4^th trimester. I literally thought every organ in my body was hemorrhaging Au Jus. I repented to God for my actions, hoping that he would allow me to fall back to sleep. But even God said, “…drunkards and gluttons become poor…”, and I was both of those things last night. So I had no shot.

Somehow I ended up falling asleep, and as of 5pm PST, things feel back to normal. However it wouldn’t surprise me if I woke up disheveled, in a warehouse, sitting at the end of a long table full of Flank Steak, Top Sirloins, and Filets. With a note hanging from the ceiling that said, “Pull me.” And when that note was pulled a voice would come on in stereo and say, “I want to play a game. (Saw style)”

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

This season of the Jersey Shore sucks (whew now that I got that out of my system)!

I told myself that I was done with the Jersey Shore after this season. I kept that proclamation to myself. However the latex gods that be, must have been of the same opinion. The gods of latex have powers far greater than mine. I can only wish failure and hate from afar. The latex gods have the ability to alter your life with a slight manufacture defect. And they came through in a big way by dropping an 18 year liability in Snooki‘s pouch (Maury Povich style).

Now that Snooki is pregnant that probably spells the end of the Jersey Shore, and that’s a great thing. When this show started it was all about drinking and getting it in. Now it’s about middle age people sharing a frat house that the size of a tuna fish can. I’m tired of watching Deena dress sexy as I throw up ever so slightly in my mouth. The best thing going for the show was Snooki’s ability to down tequila shots like a sorority girl being hazed. Now that she pregnant I think it hampers her ability to perform, and brings the show to miserable end. I actually want to personally thank the latex gods, because even though I was dead set on not watching another season. I would have probably gotten weaken by MTV previews. MTV would have put together some tantalizing preview of The Situation falling off a balcony, or Single Ronnie sliding down a DNA encrusted stripper pole. Me turning away from that kind of temptation, is about as likely as a Heroin addict throwing away a perfect good spoon. So I’m glad the decision was made for me.

I do still like the idea of the show. Hopefully they get a new, younger cast with healthy livers. In the meantime I will focus on the Real World Challenge, while I send reality show ideas to the soon to be mother.

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

I didn’t plan on writing today because I like to take Tuesdays off to perfect my FIFA 12 skills, and since I’m dedicated to the process of being a champion I don’t like to waver. However all that went out the window when I realized there was a coat of stuff in Carlos Boozer’s of the Chicago Bulls‘ head Sunday afternoon.

Let me first admit that I was fooled. I watched him miss ten foot jump shots and get outworked for rebounds all game. Yet it never occurred to me that he had a head full of an indiscernible substance. Maybe it was shoe polish and the residue was dripping into his eye? It would make some sense. It would at least explain how continues to miss baskets.

So what is that substance? Who knows? The only people who truly know are Carlos Boozer and possibly the tattoo artist that thought it was a good idea to start giving shape-ups on the weekend. I wish I could talk to my man Booze and get to the bottom of this. The speculation is killing. I need to know what that is and if we can somehow get LeBron James and endorsement. I could see the promo commercial now, “This morning, I have decided, to put Boozer Wax where my headband normally is. Time to toss powder at Club Live.”

In order to get to the bottom of this issue I have decided to start a Twitter account. So if you want to get Matlock on this investigation with me Follow @BoozerHairButta. We will get to the bottom of this.

No stone will be left unturned. The mystery must stop now!

Our investigation will operate by on creed, “We are here for one reason. To get to the bottom of Boozer’s Hair Butter, and we won’t stop until we find the answer, or until his jump shot actually starts going in again. Whichever comes first.

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

When I found out that Paula Abdul got fired from some show called The X Factor I was almost brought to tears. I was stunned. It completely caught me off guard. Really? Paula got fired, straight up? What happened? Was she smoking crack again (I don’t know if she smoked crack the first time but it’s funny and I have no problem assassinating someone’s character in the name of comedy. Especially when I’ll never have to stand behind them)? Maybe she boned one of the contestants again (American Idol style).

Now I’m not sure what the X-Factor is exactly because I have video games to play during primetime. It may be terrible, and Paula leaving may be a sign of the end. I think it’s some type of singing game show that wishes it were American Idol. And if you want to have a singing show be successful. You need a bat crazy pill popper who’s prone to slur their words and occasionally take a nap while working. Now with that element gone, the show’s success will have to rely on Mr. Tight Shirt Himself, Simon Cowell (Even Mark Cuban thinks his shirt is too tight). “Oh this won’t be a good ending.”

So what is Paula going to do next?

I don’t know, but I hope she gets another television job within the hour. America can’t afford to lose this natural disaster without fully exploiting it. I’ve seen the look in this dumpster babies’ eyes and she has a lot more fight in her. She can’t hang up the Percocet yet. Even if she doesn’t get another television job she needs to do something. Maybe she can open up a daycare or a Rottweiler kennel. It could be named something clever like “Paula’s Pooches (that’s a title for either business).” Or maybe she could have a reality show in which she robs OxyContin dealers, kind of like Omar from The Wire. Just imagine her staggering around San Francisco on a cane while children yell, “There go Paula, There go Paula. Abdul coming!” “Hide your kids, hide your wife, and hide your husband cause she raping everybody out here.”

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

Women have a vice that is mind boggling. I’ve seen most of the women I’m associated with in life take part in this particular vice at least once, and it is quite simply one of the strangest things I’ve ever witnessed. When a woman dates an amazing man and it doesn’t work out she will then go to the bottom of the pile for a replacement.

Why would I say this is considered a vice? Well, dating a loser does the same thing for a woman with heart-break that smoking crack does for a 19-year-old mother of 2. It takes away the pain. When the man of your dreams breaks your heart the only thing that will help repair it is dating someone that has no right being associated with you because that man will worship the ground you walk on and make you feel like a queen (or at least someone capable of being loved). That, my friends, is exactly what is going on with Elisabetta Canalis.
Elisabetta and George Clooney were in a relationship for 2 years. They enjoyed fine dining, cruises on private yachts, and whatever other perks you get from being gorgeous, rich, and famous. That relationship ended because George Clooney is a man who can sleep with any woman he wants so he gets an upgrade every couple of years because he doesn’t let society bully him into being bored by the same vagina day in and day out. Elisabetta is obviously handling this break up well as she has recently confirmed that she is now dating Steve-O. Yes, the same Steve-O that wore a fart helmet, threw up a live gold-fish after swallowing it a second earlier, pierced his butt cheeks together, and jumped off of a ladder into a big pile of stinking elephant shit. That’s just a small list of the very impressive activities on Steve-O’s resume.
I’m fascinated by this. It teaches me a few things about women, and it provides me with hope and inspiration.

Steve-O is a loser. I love the guy and he cracks me up, but there is no explanation a person could give me in regards to why a woman who was with George Clooney for two years would have a conversation with Steve-O for 5 minutes, let alone date him. What we can take away from this is that women want attention, and if you’re the first one to give it to them after a break up then you will be the first one to touch her boobies. “Men take note! That hot office girl who you’ve been eyeing is now crying because her boyfriend left her, don’t wait for the right time. Do it now!” Also, it’s obvious that women do not have types. Guys are easy. You have big boob guys, big ass guys, guys that like blondes, and guys that like Asians. For the most part when a man breaks up with one woman you will more than likely find him talking to a woman who looks very much like the last one he was with. This jump from Clooney to –O proves that women are nothing like men. They will go from a 10 to a 5 in no time at all as long as the 5 shows them attention, and is famous as hell.

Mitch Burrow

Contributor to Comedic Prose

Follow Mitch Burrow on Twitter @MitchTheComic

I don’t know if you’re here by mistake, or if you actually plan your day around this post. Hopefully you planned your day around the launch of this site. I enjoy the idea of some desperate guy setting pacing while he watches the clock on the microwave thinking, “I wonder what the first piece will be in The Purple Drank (we’ll get to the purple later). The bottom line is you made it, and you’re in a good spot.

The Comedic Prose is the newest and eventually the best destination for comedy online. The goal of this site is to bring comedy content in written form (hence the name comedic prose) that you can then share with you friends. Then they will share it with their friends. So this joint can eventually blow up like Amy Winehouse on a coke binge (too soon…didn’t think so).

We’re going to bring you content in several areas. However we will specialize in sports, vices, and things we can’t control (That’s one of the best sentences I’ve ever written, and it’s the ultimate deal closer). If you went out with a girl and she said she was into sports, vices, and things she can’t control. Tell me you wouldn’t ask her to help you rob a bank (Ride or Die Chick style)

You will always be able to find that content under the Sports Section (sports), The Purple Drank (the purple drank is the best title for something that makes you feel lazy and relaxed. “Oh vices”), and Critiquing Overhead (things we can’t control). In addition to these categories there will also be a rotation of pop-culture, Media reviews, and an occasional comedy review.

Please bear with us over the next few months. Things will be constantly changing as we get the opportunity to see what does and doesn’t work. If you have any suggestion please send them here: Contact Comedic Prose. The bottom line is we will be bringing it.

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor of Comedic Prose

www.comedicprose.com/kortneywilliams