Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

I’ve heard mystical stories of Brazilian restaurants that would feed you an unlimited amount of meat. All you had to do is pay a flat rate, and they would bring you meat by the wheel barrow.

I remember when my brother told me a story of such a place. He said they brought him meat until he ripped a hole through his underpants. And even after he told them that his underpants were torn, and he couldn’t take any more. They tried to entice him to eat more meat. They actually brought in the girl that danced in Big Boi’s The Way You Move video, and had her serenade him with a cheesesteak. I couldn’t believe that that story was true…until.

Yesterday I finally went to one of those mystical Brazilian restaurants, and I too, ripped through my underpants.

I had no idea that the meat would be so free. I was expecting hamburgers and hotdogs, with perhaps the option to upgrade. However, not only did they not have hotdogs, but they upgraded me for free. I had my choice of Flank Steak, Top Sirloin, and Filet Mignon.

I ate all the meat I could. By the end of the dinner I waddled out of the restaurant like the poster child for what a glutton is (I kind of started to resemble that fat guy that died in seven). So it’s needless to say I had a good time…until. I woke up in the middle of the night with the stomach pain of a woman in her 4^th trimester. I literally thought every organ in my body was hemorrhaging Au Jus. I repented to God for my actions, hoping that he would allow me to fall back to sleep. But even God said, “…drunkards and gluttons become poor…”, and I was both of those things last night. So I had no shot.

Somehow I ended up falling asleep, and as of 5pm PST, things feel back to normal. However it wouldn’t surprise me if I woke up disheveled, in a warehouse, sitting at the end of a long table full of Flank Steak, Top Sirloins, and Filets. With a note hanging from the ceiling that said, “Pull me.” And when that note was pulled a voice would come on in stereo and say, “I want to play a game. (Saw style)”

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

*****Spoiler Alert…I Think?!!*****

Lincoln is nominated for one hundred forty seven Academy Awards, and somehow it will manage to win one hundred and fifty. So I guess we’re all supposed to be enthralled with this movie; A movie which we all knew the plot, setting, and ending, as soon as we knew the title.

But allow me to point out some criticisms at the risk of being struck down.

Thaddeus Stevens (Tommy Lee Jones) had a black wife and no one carried

There are a lot of things that you could keep secret back in the 1800s, but having a black wife isn’t one of them. Despite the fact of there being no internet or Polaroid technology, I think someone would have found out. Especially since black people were slaves.

All you have to do is what for the black woman that gets new dresses and never leaves the house. That should raise some red flags. And if red flags are raised…put it in your historical one hundred forty seven time nominated Lincoln movie

75 black people got to watch as The House of Representatives voted on the 13th Amendment

I must have missed the day in history class when the teacher talked about how black people were allowed to sit in, while the House voted on whether they were human beings. I wish hadn’t missed that day. Because then the climax in Lincoln would have made sense.

It’s impossible to believe that power full white men in the 1800s, let black people watch them make decisions. However this movie would have you believe that they walked black people in, guided them to their balcony seats, and let them watch as people voted them back into slavery.

Perhaps it all went down this way, but I don’t think so

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

Recently Rolling Stone magazine out together a panel of 100 industry executives and came out with their list of the top 50 hip hop songs of all time. Now I read this list, absorbed this list, and disagreed with this list. So rather than being pissed off and trying to strike up a, “Hey what do you think about that questionable top 50 hip hop list Rolling Stone pot together” with unsuspecting strangers at the bar (That can be risky especially at the bars I go to). I said, “What the hell?” I will put together my own list. I have a blog that 1000 people a week read (That’s right I’m bragging). I should put out a list that all 1000 of those people will hate”. Thus it was born.

Now this is not a list meant to be a memorial for the golden age of hip-hop. That means that Slick Rick won’t have 10 songs in the top 10. At the same time this isn’t a referendum on mainstream east coast rap. That means that Silk That Shocker won’t have anything on this list. Sorry to break this news so publicly New Orleans, but I couldn’t do it with throwing up in my mouth (pink vomit style).

This list is a representation of the best hip hop songs of all-time. That means everything is in play from the Sugar Hill Gang to Drake (by the way Drake didn’t make it either, and I’m not sorry about breaking. As matter of fact I may write an entire post, just about why he didn’t make the list).

The list will be s count down, 50 – 1, because it adds suspense. The list will be broken down into 3 post with the first post being 50 – 31, the second post 30 – 11, and the final post being the top 10. So enjoy, and send all your hate to @kortneyshane on twitter.

First I want to highlight the controversial ones that didn’t make it.

I almost put James Brown on the list. I consider if to be the first mainstream hip-hop artist. Think about it. What’s the difference between, “I love it when you call me big Poppa” and “Poppa don’t take no mess.” Both of those dudes are rapping.

There is also no Uncle Luke or Lil Wayne. I tried to get both in, especially my boy Luke. I love Scared, but half I’m not sure if it qualifies as a rap song.

The biggest omission from this list is Scarface. He is one of the best if not the best lyrists of all-time. I really wanted to find a place for him but I just couldn’t. If I were forced to put a song of his on here it would have been, Seen a Man Die. I just didn’t know where to put it. What I’m trying to say is, I couldn’t find it in my heart to fit him in (whoa that just got weird).

Now I have previously released songs 50 – 11.

I haven’t gotten much push back from the 50 – 31 selections. The only pick that has come under some scrutiny is Up Jumps da Boogie at 50. To that I say a few things.

1. It’s the 50th pick, are we really going to argue about that. That’s like arguing over who the Miami Heat decide to send to the D-League

2. Lyrically, Up Jumps the Boogie is sound, and when you combine that with the beat it makes for a sick song.

3. If the 50th pick is the only objection I have on this list of the top 50 songs, then I did a good job

I encourage you to click on the songs and listen to them before you send your hate mail. Especially if you haven’t heard of the song before. There’s no shame in not being up on your hip-hop game. That’s what I’m here for. I have your back.

Enjoy the list, and please share this on your facebook page and tweet it out. It took a long time to put this together and I would appreciate the love.

Now let the list begin.

50. Up Jumps da Boogie

Welcome to Our World

Timbaland, Magoo, Aaliyah, Missy Elliot

This song is one of the best compilations of all time. This track announce Missy Elliot as legitimate rapper, and not just the “He, he, he” girl from the MC Lyte video. It also showcased Aaliyah and began Timbaland’s era of dominance as a producer.

49. Woo Hah!!! Got You All in Check

The Coming

Busta Ryhmes

Busta Ryhmes announced his arrival and unique style with this song. True story, I didn’t know a single word of this song up until 6 years ago.

48. Regulate

Regulate…G Funk Era

Warren G, Nate Dogg

47. Money, Power, Respect

Money, Power, Respect

The LOX, Lil Kim

This is just a filthy record. Lil Kim laces the track with the hook. This is the best record The Lox ever made

46. Two Words

The College Dropout

Kanye West, Mos Def, Freeway

This record showcases the best of Kanye West’s rap skills. It would have been higher on the list if Freeway was able to enhance the track. However I put it 46, because it’s “Two Words/Mos Def/K-West hot sh*t!”

45. Put Your Hands Where My Eyes Could See

When Disaster Strikes

Busta Rhymes

44. Slippin’

Flesh of My Flesh, Blood of My Blood

DMX

This is DMX doing what he does best, telling a great story. X is one of the best hip-hop storytellers ever (yeah I went X right there, because I know him like that). Slippin’ showcase the best of those skills, and combines that unmistakable emotion that X always bring².

43. You Got Me

Things Fall Apart

The Roots, Erykah Badu

The Roots are one of the best bands of all time, and a treasure for hip-hop music. You Got Me is a smooth track with a great story. It encapsulates everything hip hop music is.

42. Dead Presidents (Original Lyrics)

Non-Album Single

Jay-Z

I can’t stress enough that this is not Dead Presidents II. This is the original Dead Presidents. The version where Jay-Z says,

One day your cruisin’ in ya seven/
Next day your sweatin’ forgetin’ your lies/
Alibis ain’t matchin’ up, bullshit catchin’ up/
Hit with the rico, they repo your vehicle/
Everything was all good just a week ago

41. Big Poppa

Ready to Die

The Notorious B.IG.

This is a flashy track, but lyrically it’s one of Biggie’s best performances. Anytime you have dudes singing, “I love it when you call me Big Poppa” that’s fire. I just hate what the movie Hardball did to this song³.

40. I Ain’t Mad at Cha

All Eyes On Me

2Pac,

This song is synonymous with that video of 2Pac in that white suit, surrounded by smoke, some other questionable people in heaven, and a grand piano. It’s a great story, and showcases Tupac at his finest.

39. Bonita Applebum

People’s Instinctive Travels and the Paths of Rhythm

A Tribe Called Quest

This is a smooth hip-hop ballad to the ladies.

38. Fu-Gee-La

The Score

The Fugees

The Fugees knocked it out of the park with this track. It represented the islands for hip-hop, and gave us our first indication that Pras was a little off.

37. Triumph

Wu-Tang Forever

The Wu-Tang Clan, Cappadonna

Every hip hop list, party, get together, and bank robbery has to have some Wu-Tang. Most of the tie I don’t even know what the hell they’re talking about, but I’m bobbing me head while I dance in the middle of the street. Every member of The Clan(RZA, GZA, Method Man, Raekwon, Ghostface Killah, Inspectah Deck, U-God, Masta Killa, and Ol’ Dirty Bastard make up The Wu-Tang Clan) and Cappadonna.¹ killed it on this track.

36. They Reminisce Over You (T.R.O.Y.)

Mecca and Soul Brother

Pete Rock, CL Smooth

This track is the perfect combination of a smooth beat and melodic rap. The horns on this track are sexy (did I just say that). If you don’t know this track, get on it. This is probably controversial positioning, but its deserving.

35. Rewind

Stillmatic

NaS

This is the most innovative hip-hop track ever. Not only did Nasty NaS (that’s right I just hit you with a Nasty NaS), rap an entire sing backwards, but he executed it flawlessly. This is a shining expel of why he is considered to be one of the top five rappers of all-time.

34. Through The Wire

The College Dropout

Kanye West

This is the second time Kaye West, and The College Dropout have appeared on this list. And it’s well deserved.

33. Long Kiss Goodnight

Life After Death

The Notorious B.I.G.

Before you start sending me hate mail for putting this song on the list, click the link and take a listen. Then listen again. This is the best lyrical performance by Biggie Smalls.

32. Mona Lisa

The Adventures of Slick Rick

Slick Rick

So Slick Rick made the list after all, with one of his signature tracks.

31. Just A Friend

The Biz Never Sleeps

Biz Markie

Oh this is what I call happy music. Anytime I see Biz I get happy. He prove that you can be an individual in hip-hop, and still have music that will live forever. Just A Friend isn’t a great lyrical or vocal performance. However it’s soulful and funny. Being made to be a fool is something everyone can relate no matter the age. This song will live forever.

30. Hard Knock Life (Ghetto Anthem)Vol. 2… Hard Knock LifeJay-ZThere no way you can leave this song of a hip-hop list. It is the ghetto anthem – according to Jay-Z – after all. This record made Jay-Z a palatable mainstream artist and the face of hip-hop. It also took him from good MC to “maybe he can be one of the greats.”

All credit should go to little orphan Annie, and those kids who probably ended up giving Daddy Warbucks sponge baths.

 

 

29. Top Billin’

What More Can I Say?

Audio Two

When you make a great hip-hop track, and every piece of that of that track is sampled¹. Then those samples create great hip hop tracks. You have one of the greatest songs of all time. That’s Top Billin’. In my opinion this is the most underrated hip-hop song. It should be even higher on this list…I think I just objected to myself.

1. Everything on this track was sampled from the rooter to the tooter. Most notably on 50 Cent’s sampled this song for his hook on I Get Money, Mary J. Blige sampled the beat on Real Love, LL Cool J sampled the background crowd screaming “Go Brooklyn” on Doin It and many have sampled their hook, most notably Kanye West in the song Otis.

28. The Way I Am

The Marshall Mathers LP

Eminem

This is Eminem at his finest. He admits to his flaws, concede to all rumors, while saying, “You do the same thing too, not because you’re a bad person. But because that’s what ever normal person does.” This track reminds you of what he could he could have done consistently with his career2.

27. Elevators (Me and You)

ATLiens

Outkast

This record put the Atlanta on the map, and announced the arrival of the greatest hip-hop duo/group ever (if you have any debate in regard to my claim, please offer up who you think it better. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger. (Pulp-Fiction style)). Elevators is a great balance between lyrics, execution, and style. It one of that joint that come on and you start singing every word, while not knowing a single word of the song.

26. Ms. Fat Booty

Black on Both Sides

Mos Def

Imagine the person in your past that you me on a random night. That was oh so allusive, while always being around. You spend money whining and dining that person, yet don’t seal the deal. A week later you see that same person with someone else. Then you realize you got played by Ms. Fat Booty. Mos Def give voice to that situation in this song, and does while giving you stunning visuals with his lyrical skills.

25. The Message

Non-Album Single

Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five song

This is one of the most legendary hip-hop tracks of all time. Many believe that it started mainstream rap, and is the greatest hip-hop record. Obviously I don’t think so, but I do believe there is great social significance to the song. And for that reason it’s 25^th on this list.

 

24. California Love

All Eyes On Me

2Pac, Dr. Dre

The anthem for California is in the building. This isn’t the best track for neither 2Pac nor Dr. Dre. However collectively they made a classic record, and a symbol for the California life.

 

23. Passin’ Me By

Bizarre Ride II the Pharcyde

The Pharcyde

This is a legendary hip-hop track with a funky beat. With all due respect to Runnin’, Passin’ Me By is the best record The Pharcyde ever produced. The Pharcyde was more of a flash in the pain that legendary group. However, they left their mark with this track.

22. Shook Ones Part II

The Infamous

Mobb Deep

This is a crazy hip-hop record. It has that raw street element that is synonymous with Mobb Deep, yet it still has mainstream appeal. I attribute that to Mobb Deep’s ability to speak genially through this record with conviction. Though this track is nasty, it didn’t lead to long-term mainstream success for Mobb Deep. However, Shook Ones II did become the signature song on the score for 8 Mile.

21. All I Need

Tical

Method Man, Mary J. Blige

“Staten Island is in the building!”

When you say Method Man and Mary J. Blige collaborated to make a great hip-hop love song, it sounds weird. But that’s exactly what they did. All I Need is the most significant record for Method Man as it marked his career separate from his affiliation with the Wu-Tang Clan. Now he will always be part of the Wu-Tang, but this track showed that he could do it by himself as well.

20. Scenario

The Low End Theory

A Tribe Called Quest, Busta Rhymes and Leaders of the New School

Scenario features Phife Dawg from A Tribe Called Quest, who may be the most underrated rapper of all-time. Because he never had mainstream success, Phife is commonly overlooked.

This song also showcase the soon to star, Busta Rhymes. He laces the track on the final verse with the style that would become synonymous with his career.

19. One Mic

Stillmatic

NaS

One Mic is a simple concept that is executed beautifully by NaS. NaS’ ability to execute flawlessly is second to none, and that’s what makes him one of the top 5 rappers of all-time. Whether it’s I Gave You Power or Black Girl lost,
NaS consistently shows that ability. One Mic is his greatest example of that ability.

18. Rosa Parks

Aquemini

Outkast

When Outkast released Rosa Parks as a single, they garnered a lot of notoriety and criticism which may have been justifiable. What is justifiable is that Rosa Parks is one of the great hip-hop records no matter what they called it. It could have been called Christopher Columbus, and I still would have been singing,

Ah ha, hush that fuss/

Everybody move to the back of the bus/

Do you want to bump and slump with us/

We the type of people make the club get

17. Mama Said Knock You Out

Mama Said Knock You Out

LL Cool J

For all of LL Cool J’s commercial success, he made some awful album, and subpar singles.

That is not the case with Momma Said Knock You Out. This track has everything that was great about LL Cool J. It has the emotion, lyrics, and battle element that made LL Cool J great.

16. Paid in Full

Paid in Full

Eric B. & Rakim

You can’t leave Paid in Full off any hip-hop list. This a legendary track and it was the beging of Rakim’s dominance.

 

15. N.Y. State of Mind

Illmatic

NaS

This NaS’ best record, and the track that became the staple of his greatest album. It also sparked a legendary battle between him and Jay-Z.

This record is just a raw record. It has that old school feel of 2 turntables and a mic. It sounds like he recorded it in a meat locker.

This is Nasty NaS!

14. Stan

The Marshall Mathers LP

Eminem

This record is hard to express in words. You can say that Eminem told a great story, but that sells him short. You can say it’s a relationship record, and speaks to the boundaries between celebrity and reality. But that also doesn’t fully express the essence of this track.

The only thing you can say is, Stan is a masterpiece, and it shows up how great Eminem was.

13. Nuthin’ but a ‘G’ Thang

The Chronic

Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg

This is a chill record that highlights what was known Dr. Dre’s style. Because of this record and the success of The Chronic, Dr. Dre became the face of hip-hop. Up until that point he was the most successful rapper/producer, in large part because of the success of this song.

12. Brooklyn’s Finest

Reasonable Doubt

Jay-Z, The Notorious B.I.G.

This track literally features Brooklyn’s Finest.

This is Jay-Z and Biggie Smalls at their best, going back and forth like a rap battle. Line after line the track intensifies, and crescendos when Biggie spits the line,

Me and Gutter had two spots

The two for five dollar hits, the blue tops

Gotta go, Coolio mean it’s gettin “Too Hot”

If Fay’ had twins, she’d probably have two-Pac’s

Get it? .. Tu-pac’s

Brooklyn’ Finest may be the best rap collaboration ever.

11. Protect Ya Neck

Enter the Wu-Tang (36 Chambers)

Wu-Tang Clan

This is Wu-Tang doing their thing. It bar after bar, artist after artist, doing grimey raps over one Wu-Tang’s signature Shaolin Style beats. It’s their best record, and is well deserving of its positioning.

10. U Don’t Know

The Blueprint

Jay-Z

I’m not sure what this song is about, but it’s fantastic. Jay-Z lets it rip form the first line to the last, and shows the full arsenal.

This song appears on Jay-Z’s 6th studio album, The Blueprint. However it’s a flashback to old Jay-Z. It has that young gritty energy that is synonymous with his first album. It’s as if he wanted to remind everyone that he can still throw 100mph.

9. The Seed (2.0)

Phrenology

The Roots
When the legendary Roots crew dropped The Seed (2.0), initially it didn’t garner much attention, partially because it was on Phrenology which was a subpar album. However The Seed (2.0) was a rose growing from the concrete, and now gets the recognition as such.

This song is actually the derivative of a neo-rock record that was made by Cody Chesnutt called, The Seed. The Roots and Chesnutt came together, took the original song, added some funk, and produced The Seed (2.0).

The Roots are a rare gem. To be a successful band – that actually plays their music – in hip hop is unheard of. The Roots are in an arena of their own, and The Seed (2.0) is what they can produce.

8. Children’s Story

The Great Adventures of Slick Rick

Slick Rick

This is a legendary hip-hop record on Slick Rick’s most recognizable album. Lyrically it holds up, yet it still has that old school hip-hop beat. That lets you know it’s a classic track. Slick Rick is one of greats, and Children’s Story shows why.

7. Gin and Juice

Doggystyle

Snoop Dogg

Gin and Juice is Snoop Dogg’s first solo single off his debut album Doggystyle. After heavily contributing to Dr. Dre’s The Chronic, this record established him as his own man.

It showcased the laidback part style that became his trademark.

6. I Used to Love H.E.R.

Resurrection

Common

This song is polarizing. On one side you love it, because it compares the love for hip-hop to that of the love for a girl. On the other hand it devalues west coast rap, and even implies that hip-hop was ruined by the west coast. Consequently this song sparked beef between Common and west coast rappers (mainly N.W.A).

With all that being said it’s a very creative track, and deserves to be recognized as such.

5. Fight the Power

Do the Right Thing Soundtrack

Public Enemy

Based on social significance alone, this song makes it into the top 10.

This song was originally created for Spike Lee’s movie, Do the Right Thing. Later it appeared on Public Enemy’s album, Fear of a Black Planet. Public Enemy was known for addressing social issues head on, and Fight the Power is a representation of that.

4. Can I Live

Reasonable Doubt

Jay-Z

This is probably the most introspective record by Jay-Z. It’s a masterpiece that is executed on every level.

It starts off with Jay-Z setting the scene, by talking over horns. He explains that people hustle out of a sense of desperation, which ironically turns into an addition. Not unlike the one the fiends have that they serve. Then the beat hits, and the legendary rap begins.

Can I Live is Jay-Z’s stand out record on his first classic album, Reasonable Doubt. It showcases Jay-Z’s ability to make stark vivid imagery with his lyrics. He takes you on a journey through the mentality of a hustler, and juxtaposes that with the reality of the situation. The imagery is so vivid that it’s comparable to a movie.

This song is an effort that shouldn’t be undervalued, and is worthy of being one of the greatest rap songs of all time.

3. Straight Out of Compton

Straight Out of Compton

N.W.A.

Straight Out of Compton is the title track of N.W.A.’s debut album. This song is so ferocious, that it had to be hot in the suburbs. As soon as Ice Cube starts his rap by say, “Crazy muth*** named Ice Cube.” I can see kids throughout the gated community bumping this in their home theater system.

This record foreshadowed what was to come from Dr. Dre and west coast rap. It’s unfortunate that N.W.A broke up after this album, but at least we got this gem.

2. B.O.B.

Stankonia

Outkast

Bombs Over Bagdad is arguably the greatest hip-hop song of all time. It has lyrics, beat, and creativity that are second to none. This is Outkast – the greatest hip-hop group of ever – showcasing some of their best work.

B.O.B. appears on the album Stankonia, and as crazy as it sounds, it was overshadowed by Rosa Parks, which was on the same album and commercially more successful. However, now it gets the respect it deserves and many believe it’s the greatest hip-hop record ever.

1. Rappers Delight

Non Album Single

The Sugar Hill Gang

It’s controversial to make this the greatest hip-hop read cord of all time.

It’s not the greatest songs lyrically, and it doesn’t showcase the best beat. However, you have to take into account the circumstances in which it came out.

You have to consider that there was no road map to make a hip-hop record, and despite that The Sugar Hill Gang made a successful record. Rappers Delight ended up becoming the first mainstream rap songs. Now it must be said that this record is one hundred thirty seven minutes long. But if you can take the time off work, and you have an opportunity to listen to this record, you will see that this is a timeless piece art that will continue to stand the test of time.

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

I haven’t gotten much push back from the 50 – 31 selections. The only pick that has come under some scrutiny is Up Jumps da Boogie at 50. To that I say a few things.

1. It’s the 50th pick, are we really going to argue about that. That’s like arguing over who the Miami Heat decide to send to the D-League

2. Lyrically, Up Jumps the Boogie is sound, and when you combine that with the beat it makes for a sick song.

3. If the 50th pick is the only objection I have on this list of the top 50 songs, then I did a good job

Time for 30 – 11

30. Hard Knock Life (Ghetto Anthem)

Vol. 2… Hard Knock Life

Jay-Z

There no way you can leave this song of a hip-hop list. It is the ghetto anthem – according to Jay-Z – after all. This record made Jay-Z a palatable mainstream artist and the face of hip-hop. It also took him from good MC to “maybe he can be one of the greats.”

All credit should go to little orphan Annie, and those kids who probably ended up giving Daddy Warbucks sponge baths.

29. Top Billin’

What More Can I Say?

Audio Two

When you make a great hip-hop track, and every piece of that of that track is sampled¹. Then those samples create great hip hop tracks. You have one of the greatest songs of all time. That’s Top Billin’. In my opinion this is the most underrated hip-hop song. It should be even higher on this list…I think I just objected to myself.

1. Everything on this track was sampled from the rooter to the tooter. Most notably on 50 Cent’s sampled this song for his hook on I Get Money, Mary J. Blige sampled the beat on Real Love, LL Cool J sampled the background crowd screaming “Go Brooklyn” on Doin It and many have sampled their hook, most notably Kanye West in the song Otis.

28. The Way I Am

The Marshall Mathers LP

Eminem

This is Eminem at his finest. He admits to his flaws, concede to all rumors, while saying, “You do the same thing too, not because you’re a bad person. But because that’s what ever normal person does.” This track reminds you of what he could he could have done consistently with his career2.

27. Elevators (Me and You)

ATLiens

Outkast

This record put the Atlanta on the map, and announced the arrival of the greatest hip-hop duo/group ever (if you have any debate in regard to my claim, please offer up who you think it better. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger. (Pulp-Fiction style)). Elevators is a great balance between lyrics, execution, and style. It one of that joint that come on and you start singing every word, while not knowing a single word of the song.

26. Ms. Fat Booty

Black on Both Sides

Mos Def

Imagine the person in your past that you me on a random night. That was oh so allusive, while always being around. You spend money whining and dining that person, yet don’t seal the deal. A week later you see that same person with someone else. Then you realize you got played by Ms. Fat Booty. Mos Def give voice to that situation in this song, and does while giving you stunning visuals with his lyrical skills.

25. The Message

Non-Album Single

Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five song

This is one of the most legendary hip-hop tracks of all time. Many believe that it started mainstream rap, and is the greatest hip-hop record. Obviously I don’t think so, but I do believe there is great social significance to the song. And for that reason it’s 25^th on this list.

24. California Love

All Eyes On Me

2Pac, Dr. Dre

The anthem for California is in the building. This isn’t the best track for neither 2Pac nor Dr. Dre. However collectively they made a classic record, and a symbol for the California life.

23. Passin’ Me By

Bizarre Ride II the Pharcyde

The Pharcyde

This is a legendary hip-hop track with a funky beat. With all due respect to Runnin’, Passin’ Me By is the best record The Pharcyde ever produced. The Pharcyde was more of a flash in the pain that legendary group. However, they left their mark with this track.

22. Shook Ones Part II

The Infamous

Mobb Deep

This is a crazy hip-hop record. It has that raw street element that is synonymous with Mobb Deep, yet it still has mainstream appeal. I attribute that to Mobb Deep’s ability to speak genially through this record with conviction. Though this track is nasty, it didn’t lead to long-term mainstream success for Mobb Deep. However, Shook Ones II did become the signature song on the score for 8 Mile.

21. All I Need

Tical

Method Man, Mary J. Blige

“Staten Island is in the building!”

When you say Method Man and Mary J. Blige collaborated to make a great hip-hop love song, it sounds weird. But that’s exactly what they did. All I Need is the most significant record for Method Man as it marked his career separate from his affiliation with the Wu-Tang Clan. Now he will always be part of the Wu-Tang, but this track showed that he could do it by himself as well.

20. Scenario

The Low End Theory

A Tribe Called Quest, Busta Rhymes and Leaders of the New School

Scenario features Phife Dawg from A Tribe Called Quest, who may be the most underrated rapper of all-time. Because he never had mainstream success, Phife is commonly overlooked.

This song also showcase the soon to star, Busta Rhymes. He laces the track on the final verse with the style that would become synonymous with his career.

19. One Mic

Stillmatic

NaS

One Mic is a simple concept that is executed beautifully by NaS. NaS’ ability to execute flawlessly is second to none, and that’s what makes him one of the top 5 rappers of all-time. Whether it’s I Gave You Power or Black Girl lost,
NaS consistently shows that ability. One Mic is his greatest example of that ability.

18. Rosa Parks

Aquemini

Outkast

When Outkast released Rosa Parks as a single, they garnered a lot of notoriety and criticism which may have been justifiable. What is justifiable is that Rosa Parks is one of the great hip-hop records no matter what they called it. It could have been called Christopher Columbus, and I still would have been singing,

Ah ha, hush that fuss/

Everybody move to the back of the bus/

Do you want to bump and slump with us/

We the type of people make the club get

17. Mama Said Knock You Out

Mama Said Knock You Out

LL Cool J

For all of LL Cool J’s commercial success, he made some awful album, and subpar singles.

That is not the case with Momma Said Knock You Out. This track has everything that was great about LL Cool J. It has the emotion, lyrics, and battle element that made LL Cool J great.

16. Paid in Full

Paid in Full

Eric B. & Rakim

You can’t leave Paid in Full off any hip-hop list. This a legendary track and it was the beging of Rakim’s dominance.

15. N.Y. State of Mind

Illmatic

NaS

This NaS’ best record, and the track that became the staple of his greatest album. It also sparked a legendary battle between him and Jay-Z.

This record is just a raw record. It has that old school feel of 2 turntables and a mic. It sounds like he recorded it in a meat locker.

This is Nasty NaS!

14. Stan

The Marshall Mathers LP

Eminem

This record is hard to express in words. You can say that Eminem told a great story, but that sells him short. You can say it’s a relationship record, and speaks to the boundaries between celebrity and reality. But that also doesn’t fully express the essence of this track.

The only thing you can say is, Stan is a masterpiece, and it shows up how great Eminem was.

13. Nuthin’ but a ‘G’ Thang

The Chronic

Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg

This is a chill record that highlights what was known Dr. Dre’s style. Because of this record and the success of The Chronic, Dr. Dre became the face of hip-hop. Up until that point he was the most successful rapper/producer, in large part because of the success of this song.

12. Brooklyn’s Finest

Reasonable Doubt

Jay-Z, The Notorious B.I.G.

This track literally features Brooklyn’s Finest.

This is Jay-Z and Biggie Smalls at their best, going back and forth like a rap battle. Line after line the track intensifies, and crescendos when Biggie spits the line,

Me and Gutter had two spots

The two for five dollar hits, the blue tops

Gotta go, Coolio mean it’s gettin “Too Hot”

If Fay’ had twins, she’d probably have two-Pac’s

Get it? .. Tu-pac’s

Brooklyn’ Finest may be the best rap collaboration ever.

11. Protect Ya Neck

Enter the Wu-Tang (36 Chambers)

Wu-Tang Clan

This is Wu-Tang doing their thing. It bar after bar, artist after artist, doing grimey raps over one Wu-Tang’s signature Shaolin Style beats. It’s their best record, and is well deserving of its positioning.

 

2. Eminem was an artist that could have revolutionized rap for the duration of his career. He could have rivaled Jay-Z as the best rapper of his era. However he went a different path and while he was hugely successful, I think he could have been an even bigger rap legend.

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

Now this is not a list meant to be a memorial for the golden age of hip-hop. That means that Slick Rick won’t have 10 songs in the top 10. At the same time this isn’t a referendum on mainstream east coast rap. That means that Silk That Shocker won’t have anything on this list. Sorry to break this news so publicly New Orleans, but I couldn’t do it with throwing up in my mouth (pink vomit style).

This list is a representation of the best hip hop songs of all-time. That means everything is in play from the Sugar Hill Gang to Drake (by the way Drake didn’t make it either, and I’m not sorry about breaking. As matter of fact I may write an entire post, just about why he didn’t make the list).

The list will be s count down, 50 – 1, because it adds suspense. The list will be broken down into 3 post with the first post being 50 – 31, the second post 30 – 11, and the final post being the top 10. So enjoy, and send all your hate to @kortneyshane on twitter.

First I want to highlight the controversial ones that didn’t make it.

I almost put James Brown on the list. I consider if to be the first mainstream hip-hop artist. Think about it. What’s the difference between, “I love it when you call me big Poppa” and “Poppa don’t take no mess.” Both of those dudes are rapping.

There is also no Uncle Luke or Lil Wayne. I tried to get both in, especially my boy Luke. I love Scared, but half I’m not sure if it qualifies as a rap song.

The biggest omission from this list is Scarface. He is one of the best if not the best lyrists of all-time. I really wanted to find a place for him but I just couldn’t. If I were forced to put a song of his on here it would have been, Seen a Man Die. I just didn’t know where to put it. What I’m trying to say is, I couldn’t find it in my heart to fit him in (whoa that just got weird).

Now let the list begin.

50. Up Jumps da Boogie

Welcome to Our World

Timbaland, Magoo, Aaliyah, Missy Elliot

This song is one of the best compilations of all time. This track announce Missy Elliot as legitimate rapper, and not just the “He, he, he” girl from the MC Lyte video. It also showcased Aaliyah and began Timbaland’s era of dominance as a producer.

49. Woo Hah!!! Got You All in Check

The Coming

Busta Ryhmes

Busta Ryhmes announced his arrival and unique style with this song. True story, I didn’t know a single word of this song up until 6 years ago.

48. Regulate

Regulate…G Funk Era

Warren G, Nate Dogg

47. Money, Power, Respect

Money, Power, Respect

The LOX, Lil Kim

This is just a filthy record. Lil Kim laces the track with the hook. This is the best record The Lox ever made

46. Two Words

The College Dropout

Kanye West, Mos Def, Freeway

This record showcases the best of Kanye West’s rap skills. It would have been higher on the list if Freeway was able to enhance the track. However I put it 46, because it’s “Two Words/Mos Def/K-West hot sh*t!”

45. Put Your Hands Where My Eyes Could See

When Disaster Strikes

Busta Rhymes

44. Slippin’

Flesh of My Flesh, Blood of My Blood

DMX

This is DMX doing what he does best, telling a great story. X is one of the best hip-hop storytellers ever (yeah I went X right there, because I know him like that). Slippin’ showcase the best of those skills, and combines that unmistakable emotion that X always bring².

43. You Got Me

Things Fall Apart

The Roots, Erykah Badu

The Roots are one of the best bands of all time, and a treasure for hip-hop music. You Got Me is a smooth track with a great story. It encapsulates everything hip hop music is.

42. Dead Presidents (Original Lyrics)

Non-Album Single

Jay-Z

I can’t stress enough that this is not Dead Presidents II. This is the original Dead Presidents. The version where Jay-Z says,

One day your cruisin’ in ya seven/
Next day your sweatin’ forgetin’ your lies/
Alibis ain’t matchin’ up, bullshit catchin’ up/
Hit with the rico, they repo your vehicle/
Everything was all good just a week ago

41. Big Poppa

Ready to Die

The Notorious B.IG.

This is a flashy track, but lyrically it’s one of Biggie’s best performances. Anytime you have dudes singing, “I love it when you call me Big Poppa” that’s fire. I just hate what the movie Hardball did to this song³.

40. I Ain’t Mad at Cha

All Eyes On Me

2Pac,

This song is synonymous with that video of 2Pac in that white suit, surrounded by smoke, some other questionable people in heaven, and a grand piano. It’s a great story, and showcases Tupac at his finest.

39. Bonita Applebum

People’s Instinctive Travels and the Paths of Rhythm

A Tribe Called Quest

This is a smooth hip-hop ballad to the ladies.

38. Fu-Gee-La

The Score

The Fugees

The Fugees knocked it out of the park with this track. It represented the islands for hip-hop, and gave us our first indication that Pras was a little off.

37. Triumph

Wu-Tang Forever

The Wu-Tang Clan, Cappadonna

Every hip hop list, party, get together, and bank robbery has to have some Wu-Tang. Most of the tie I don’t even know what the hell they’re talking about, but I’m bobbing me head while I dance in the middle of the street. Every member of The Clan(RZA, GZA, Method Man, Raekwon, Ghostface Killah, Inspectah Deck, U-God, Masta Killa, and Ol’ Dirty Bastard make up The Wu-Tang Clan) and Cappadonna.¹ killed it on this track.

36. They Reminisce Over You (T.R.O.Y.)

Mecca and Soul Brother

Pete Rock, CL Smooth

This track is the perfect combination of a smooth beat and melodic rap. The horns on this track are sexy (did I just say that). If you don’t know this track, get on it. This is probably controversial positioning, but its deserving.

35. Rewind

Stillmatic

NaS

This is the most innovative hip-hop track ever. Not only did Nasty NaS (that’s right I just hit you with a Nasty NaS), rap an entire sing backwards, but he executed it flawlessly. This is a shining expel of why he is considered to be one of the top five rappers of all-time.

34. Through The Wire

The College Dropout

Kanye West

This is the second time Kaye West, and The College Dropout have appeared on this list. And it’s well deserved.

33. Long Kiss Goodnight

Life After Death

The Notorious B.I.G.

Before you start sending me hate mail for putting this song on the list, click the link and take a listen. Then listen again. This is the best lyrical performance by Biggie Smalls.

32. Mona Lisa

The Adventures of Slick Rick

Slick Rick

So Slick Rick made the list after all, with one of his signature tracks.

31. Just A Friend

The Biz Never Sleeps

Biz Markie

Oh this is what I call happy music. Anytime I see Biz I get happy. He prove that you can be an individual in hip-hop, and still have music that will live forever. Just A Friend isn’t a great lyrical or vocal performance. However it’s soulful and funny. Being made to be a fool is something everyone can relate no matter the age. This song will live forever.

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

Thanksgiving will be here in 2 weeks, yet I haven’t seen any decorations. This time of year, there are usually some kind of buy one get one free turkey sale that would be advertised during football games. And those weird uncomfortable signs on the side of on your street start popping up. On which some guy is promoting a free hay ride for all the kids in the neighborhood. Personally I’ve never been quite comfortable with either of those things. I think you should only be able to buy one turkey per transaction, and hayrides are just weird. Let’s start with the fact that you have to sit in a truck Indian style on hay, while you try to maintain enough leverage, as not slide out of the back of it hip first. Then you factor in the creepy, 45 year old driver, and that’s not a place any kid should be.

This year, it seems like there’s been some kind of mandate to skip thanksgiving, and go right to Christmas¹. I have seen Christmas decorations everywhere. Now some of the decorations are on people’s homes, and there’s a good chance those are lazy people that keep them up all year. However every store is also promoting Christmas. Maybe the economy is so bad that they want us to start Christmas shopping early. Perhaps people have come to some kind of revelation that Christmas and Thanksgiving are too close, and it’s time to celebrate one or the other? Personally I don’t want to decide. I like Thanksgiving and all the prime rib and dressing it have to offer². I like eating dinner at 11am, 4pm, and again at 7pm. I like going into a food coma, while watching one of those over hyped football games. I want Thanksgiving now and forever. I’m going to start a petition, “Don’t let them carve Thanksgiving out of your life.” As a matter of fact I’m going to find one of those creepy out of work hayride ride guys on Craigslist, and get him to carry that sign around deed restricted communities. Cause those dudes need work, and after all he does it for the kids (Trick Daddy style).

1. Lewis Black actually predicted that this would happen in 2002 on Comedy Central Presents, Lewis Black. Profit?

2. If you can afford it, prime rib should be your go to, over Turkey for Thanksgiving.

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

Hadoken,

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

The Jersey Shore is over, done, finito. We minus well zip up this body bag full of suntan lotion, and put it on the curb. All the story lines have been exhausted. Sure you can throw in a Snookie pregnancy and the idea that The Situation will stop drinking to distract us, but at the end of the day the show is still the same. It’s about hooking up with girls, watching Sam and Ronnie fight, and seeing if Jenni will eventually stop wearing clothes. The problem is, the house has had sex with every girl on the beach, the Sam/Ronnie thing is getting disturbing, and Jenni’s implants have left nothing to the imagination.

So let’s just stop the whole Shore thing, but before you stop. Make sure Ronni gets a book deal.

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

The MTV Movie Awards will be held tonight in some weird location. It’s actually probably going to be in L.A. or New York, but who cares. They could be holding it in my kitchen, and I would order out. So, I could avoid catching a part of the ceremony. The person responsible for organizing this makeshift event should be ashamed. And I’m talking about big/large scale shame. The type of shame you feel when you wake up on the front steps of strip club. However the worse part about the MTV Movie Awards is the people watching them. To those people I have one question, “Why?” Are you getting valuable information out of them? Are considering renting John Carter, and you just want the experts at MTV’s opinion first? Perhaps you all want to torcher yourself, but you don’t have a bear trap lying around the house. So you figure you’ll watch the award show. I don’t know what your motive is, but you have to stop. This spectacle is hold us back from reruns of The Jersey Shore, and we can’t have that.

So let’s start a campaign to end the gold cup of popcorn give away. I’m willing to lead the charge. So everyone jump on my back like a little kid at an amusement park, and we’ll ransack the apartments of the people that watch this award show (Storming of the Bastille style).

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

I love Lady Gaga just as much as Tony loved having Nicky Santoro put his head in a vice, and pop his eyeball out in Casino (I still can’t believe he did that for Charlie M). The only difference is, the vice that is Gaga will loosen just enough for you to regain consciousness, and get a clear look at her meat dress. Then it immediately tightens back up during the baseline of Love Game. The media doesn’t help to dispel the Gaga oversaturation either. They throw her (?) in your face (Jeremy Lin style), yet they never ask, “What is her talent?”

I believe she has no tangle talent (I had to throw tangible in there for all the people that want to tell me about the energy she brings). I know she’s fantastic at playing dress up, but what does she do? She’s like the Paris Hilton of music, “Famous for being famous.” Consequently I don’t understand the fascination. If I could wrap my head around it, I think I could rid her (?) from the pissed off crevice of my brain. That crevice is very crowded at this point, and I really want to throw Gaga out the boat.

When Gaga makes her eventual exodus from the pissed off crevice, there will be a great celebration. A celebration that would rival that of Miami’s big three, when they rose from the earth like Black Eyed Peas. I need that pissed off crevice for the Cleveland Indians’ pitching staff. However none of this will probably happen, because that would be a fairytale. And there are no fairytales in the pissed off crevice of my brain (Shawshank Redemption style). So I will try to cope with this vice the best way I know how, by plotting the hypothetical demise of her (?) career.

? You figure out what it means

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

How disturbing is that new Burger King commercial with Steven Tyler (what a terrible introduction I just wrote. I sound like some critic from on high looking down through a monocle while wearing Larry King suspenders)? I may never eat fast food again.

At first I didn’t know it was him. I thought it was some kind of superimposed picture of Michael Jackson #TheKingIsBack. I thought the people responsible for that Tupac Coachella hologram went in business with Burger King, and decided to make us piss our pants. Once I figured that it was Steven Tyler I was even more freaked out, because he looked so dead (I found that ironic because if you eat enough Burger King eventually you will look like Steven Tyler. “That’s right! If you eat enough Whopper jr’s, you too can look like an 80-year-old woman with small tits.”). Why you would want someone who looks like that to promote your food is beyond me. I know that he’s on American Idol, but that’s just a gimmick. It’s kind of like when Tim Tebow is given the opportunity to play quarterback¹. Everyone knows it’s not going to work, but we also want to see the car accident that he is. So if Burger King is dead set on making Steven Tyler part of their ad campaign they need to go all out. Don’t play with the idea of putting him in commercials. No! Make Steven Tyler the Burger King. That’s right fire the weird elf that runs around in that king costume, and let Tyler run out and scare the masses. Sure it may creep out the kids, but how funny would it be to see Steven Tyler running around a football field.

1. Gotta through Tebow in a column once a week. It’s mandatory

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

It’s been ten years since Kanye West announced his arrival on the music scene with The College Dropout. Back then West was just some guy wearing cashmere Polos. This was back before he became a pop-culture controversy magnet. It may be hard for you to remember that far back, but try to take yourself there. Go back to before he stated that George Bush didn’t care about black people or jumped on stage drunk during award show, just to scare a teenage girl. Remember when you oblivious to the fact that he had an ego that was larger than Star Jones pre-surgery. Go back 10 years when he was just a guy that was just a genius producer.

The year before The College Dropout came out. Rap music was at a standstill. While the industry was healthy, there wasn’t any progress (that is also the definition of a stand still. I guess you can call this repetitive). Then along came Kanye West with fresh creativity and a confident view of self. He changed the way rap music was done. He merged spoken word hip hop with his unique production. He also brought Polo cable sweaters and his questionable use of a Louis Vuitton backpack (I actually think that was a purse, but who cares. He did it for hip hop). West made being an individual cool again.

The success of The College Dropout was due to perfect timing and the need for something new. The College Dropout brought back the soul sound of Hip hop from the 80s with a progressive approach. I think he said it best in Last Call, Though the fans want the feeling of A Tribe Called Quest. But all they got left is this guy called West. It was a combination that had been tried, but never done successfully. The most notable attempts were by Puff Daddy during the 90s. He continued to sample classic records, underneath the banner of true creativity. When in actuality it was an easy way to sell records. I will admit it worked when he first started doing it, but when you bastardizing Hollywood Swinging it’s time to stop (Kool and the Gang are rolling in their graves).

The College Dropout was a huge success. It debut at #2 on the Billboard Chart, and it won the Grammy for Rap Album of the year. It also gave Kanye West the public platform to himself which allowed him to go crazy (Jeezy style). However, while he was going crazy, his debut was putting the rap game on notice. The style that West ushered in practically eliminated non-sense (I’m talking about Lil Jon and crunk music, save for Uncle Luke because that’s my boy), and I am forever thankful. It got to the point where I couldn’t turn on the radio without hearing Lil Jon. So I’m glad he took Jon out of circulation. If not, I was planning on doing it myself (Miami style). This album also changed the way rappers dressed. Baggy jeans and big t-shirts were replaced by button ups and loafers (I got to shout out Trick daddy here. He was the first modern day rapper to promote Polo clothing. “Are those Bugle Boy jeans you’re wearing? Hell nah hoe, you know they Polo!”). The College Dropout opened an avenue for artist like Common (I know he was out before but he was irrelevant in the mainstream before Kanye) and Lupe Fiasco. West style of producing can also be credit for the success of Jay-Z’s The Blueprint. Izzo (H.O.V.A.) and Heart of the City were just a precursor for what was to come. And Kanye West came, and took over the game.

It’s been 10 years since Kanye West debuted with The College Dropout and it still holds up. It is arguably the greatest hip hop album of all time. As time passes the popularity of The College Dropout may fade, but its significance can still be seen.

Last Call

I’d like to propose a toast

I said toast m**********r

And I am

(Here’s to The Roc)

And they ask me, they ask me, they ask me, I tell them

(Mr Rocafella)

Raise your glasses, your glasses, your glasses to the sky

This is the last call for alcohol, for the

So get your ass up off the bar

The all around the world, Digital Underground, Pac

The Rudloph the red nosed reindeer of the Roc

I take my chain, my fifteen seconds of fame

And come back next year with the whole f*****g game

Ain’t nobody expect Kanye to end up on top

They expected that College Dropout to drop and then flop

Then maybe he stop savin’ all the good beats for himself

Rocafella’s only niggaz that help

My money was thinner than Sean Paul’s goatee hair

Now Jean Paul Gaultier cologne fill the air here

They say he bourgie, he big headed

Won’t you please stop talking about how my d**k head is

Flow infectious, give me ten seconds

I’ll have a buzz bigger than insects in Texas

It’s funny how wasn’t nobody interested

‘Til the night I almost killed myself in Lexus

And I am

(Here’s to The Roc)

And they ask me, they ask me, they ask me, I tell them

(Mr Rocafella)

Raise your glasses, your glasses, your glasses to the sky

This is the last call for alcohol, for the

So get you’re a** up off the bar

Now was Kanye the most overlooked? Yes, sir

Now is Kanye the most overbooked? Yes, sir

Though the fans want the feeling of A Tribe Called Quest

But all they got left is this guy called West

Better take Freeway, throw him on tracks with Mos Def

Call him Kwa-li or Kwe-li, I put him on songs with Jay-Z

I’m the Gap like Banana Republic and Old Navy, and, ooh

It come out sweeter than old Sadie

Nice as Bun-B when I met him at the Source awards

Girl, he had with him, a** coulda’ won the horse awards

And I was almost famous, now everybody love Kanye

I’m almost Raymond

Some say he arrogant, can y’all blame him?

It was straight embarrassing how y’all played him

Last year shoppin’ my demo, I was tryin’ to shine

Every m**********r told me that I couldn’t rhyme

Now I could let these dream killers kill my self-esteem

Or use my arrogance as the steam to power my dreams

I use it as my gas so they say that I’m gassed

But without it I’d be last so I ought to laugh

So I don’t listen to the suits behind the desk no more

You niggaz wear suits ’cause you can’t dress no more

You can’t say shit to Kanye West no more

I rocked twenty thousand people, I was just on tour, nigga

I’m Kan, the Louis Vuitton Don

Bought my mom a purse, now she Louis Vuitton Mom

I ain’t play the hand I was dealt, I changed my cards

I prayed to the skies and I changed my stars

I went to the malls and I balled too hard

Oh, my God, is that a black card?

I turned around and replied, why, yes

But I prefer the term African American Express

Brains, power, and muscle, like Dame, Puffy, and Russell

Your boy back on his hustle, you know what I’ve been up to

Killin y’all, niggaz, on that lyrical s**t

Mayonnaise colored Benz, I push Miracle Whips

And I am

(Here’s to The Roc)

And they ask me, they ask me, they ask me, I tell them

(Mr. Rocafella)

Raise your glasses, your glasses, your glasses to the sky

This is the last call for alcohol, for the

So get you’re a** up off the bar

Last call for alcohol, for my niggaz

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

This season of the Jersey Shore sucks (whew now that I got that out of my system)!

I told myself that I was done with the Jersey Shore after this season. I kept that proclamation to myself. However the latex gods that be, must have been of the same opinion. The gods of latex have powers far greater than mine. I can only wish failure and hate from afar. The latex gods have the ability to alter your life with a slight manufacture defect. And they came through in a big way by dropping an 18 year liability in Snooki‘s pouch (Maury Povich style).

Now that Snooki is pregnant that probably spells the end of the Jersey Shore, and that’s a great thing. When this show started it was all about drinking and getting it in. Now it’s about middle age people sharing a frat house that the size of a tuna fish can. I’m tired of watching Deena dress sexy as I throw up ever so slightly in my mouth. The best thing going for the show was Snooki’s ability to down tequila shots like a sorority girl being hazed. Now that she pregnant I think it hampers her ability to perform, and brings the show to miserable end. I actually want to personally thank the latex gods, because even though I was dead set on not watching another season. I would have probably gotten weaken by MTV previews. MTV would have put together some tantalizing preview of The Situation falling off a balcony, or Single Ronnie sliding down a DNA encrusted stripper pole. Me turning away from that kind of temptation, is about as likely as a Heroin addict throwing away a perfect good spoon. So I’m glad the decision was made for me.

I do still like the idea of the show. Hopefully they get a new, younger cast with healthy livers. In the meantime I will focus on the Real World Challenge, while I send reality show ideas to the soon to be mother.

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

I was one of the biggest critics of Kanye West and Jay-Z ‘s compilation album Watch the Throne. My feelings still haven’t change, but I will admit that I was wrong about “Niggas in Paris.” That track is fire! I’m talking about fish grease. I think the first time I listened to it. The weird Safari like horns distracted me. Now that West and Jay have added a hot video it’s official. Niggas in Paris is a classic.

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

The 54^th Grammy Awards were pretty underwhelming. I guess I should have seen that coming, because the field of awards was underwhelming.

So as expected, Adele was the big winner. Ya girl won everything. I swear I saw Cam Newton hand her the Heisman trophy. What she did was Lauryn Hill-esque (She actually won one more Grammy than Hill in a single year, but Lauryn had 10 nominations). She basically showed up, and said, “You see these categories? I’m taking them all back to London with me, and ain’t nothing you can do about it. So sit there, and listen to me sing a upbeat depressing ballad. Then rise to your feet when I’m finished, and give me a 2 minute ovation.”

The best thing to come from the Grammys is Lady Gaga winning absolutely nothing. It actually saved the show. Because in a perfect world you want to believe that talent is rewarded. So, on the other end when you’re someone is a utter no talent you don’t want to see them rewarded. That’s why I’m happy Gaga didn’t receive anything. She has marketed herself as someone that wears crazy outfits, and can sing. When in actuality she wears crazy outfits, and nothing else. So it’s nice that justice was served, and I was glad to see that she had to sit there in that stupid costume all night (She went fish net over her face for the Grammy outfit). I just wish she wore the meat dress. That way everyone around her would have known how much she stunk by the end of the show.

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

When I found out that Paula Abdul got fired from some show called The X Factor I was almost brought to tears. I was stunned. It completely caught me off guard. Really? Paula got fired, straight up? What happened? Was she smoking crack again (I don’t know if she smoked crack the first time but it’s funny and I have no problem assassinating someone’s character in the name of comedy. Especially when I’ll never have to stand behind them)? Maybe she boned one of the contestants again (American Idol style).

Now I’m not sure what the X-Factor is exactly because I have video games to play during primetime. It may be terrible, and Paula leaving may be a sign of the end. I think it’s some type of singing game show that wishes it were American Idol. And if you want to have a singing show be successful. You need a bat crazy pill popper who’s prone to slur their words and occasionally take a nap while working. Now with that element gone, the show’s success will have to rely on Mr. Tight Shirt Himself, Simon Cowell (Even Mark Cuban thinks his shirt is too tight). “Oh this won’t be a good ending.”

So what is Paula going to do next?

I don’t know, but I hope she gets another television job within the hour. America can’t afford to lose this natural disaster without fully exploiting it. I’ve seen the look in this dumpster babies’ eyes and she has a lot more fight in her. She can’t hang up the Percocet yet. Even if she doesn’t get another television job she needs to do something. Maybe she can open up a daycare or a Rottweiler kennel. It could be named something clever like “Paula’s Pooches (that’s a title for either business).” Or maybe she could have a reality show in which she robs OxyContin dealers, kind of like Omar from The Wire. Just imagine her staggering around San Francisco on a cane while children yell, “There go Paula, There go Paula. Abdul coming!” “Hide your kids, hide your wife, and hide your husband cause she raping everybody out here.”

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

The NFL season is less than a week away from being over, and now I’m faced with the same predicament I face every single February … the “what now?” predicament.  I am fully aware that other sports exist; the NBA is in full swing, March Madness is right around the corner, and hockey is, um, well … yeah.  I miss the NFL already.

The NCAA basketball tournament is always entertaining, but the jam-packed scheduling of the first two rounds makes it feel as though it’s over as soon as it begins.  The NBA can be great, but the lockout combined with the newest trend of creating “super teams” has made the league far less enjoyable than I once remember.  And until they implement dynamite and handguns, hockey will always be ”eh” to me.

The time between now and baseball season has always been the time of year I use to catch up on my movie watching.  With the Oscars less than a month away and sports season being in its short-but-consistent dip, there is no better time to get those Netflix envelopes back into steady rotation.

During a recent movie-watching marathon, I began to think about the connections between sports and film.  It may have been because the marathon consisted of Cool Runnings, Space Jam, and Seabiscuit, but that’s neither here nor there.  The connection between sports and film is one that has always existed.  Besides the obvious connection of movies being made about sports, there is also the “athlete-as-actor” connection.  Whether it’s Howie Long (Broken Arrow), Kareem Abdul-Jabbar (Airplane), or Shaquille O’Neal (ShaShamWow, or whatever the hell it was called.  Oh yeah, and Blue Chips), athletes have been appearing on the silver screen for decades.

And then you get the occasional “actor-as-athlete” thing; Mickey Rourke (Boxing), that guy who played Screech (Celebrity Boxing), and Ben Affleck (if you’re one of those idiots that considers poker a sport).  There’s a reason I could only think of these three examples: it’s because it never works.

But what if we were to compare athletes to movies?  Think about it … what qualities can you find in an athlete that would translate to the quality of a film?  What traits do both athletes and cinema have that would even be comparable?  What film would you use to describe Patrick Ewing?  Danica Patrick?  Wayne Gretzky?  Here’s how I see it:

Dennis Rodman = Donnie Darko :  Of the people who have seen either Rodman or Donnie Darko, most of them can agree they were both pretty damn good.  But even people who are actual fans of these two don’t really know what either one is about.

Anna Kournikova = Avatar:  Both of them look unbelievably amazing, both of them made a shit-ton of cash, but ask yourself one thing, “Are either one of these things good?”

Shaun White = Fried Green Tomatoes:  Honestly, I’ve never seen Fried Green Tomatoes, but it has the word “tomato” in the title and so does Shaun White’s nickname.  Ok, fine, that was a lame comparison.  How about Problem Child?  No?  Ok, what about Annie?  Problem Child 2?

Jamie Moyer = The Saw franchise:  Just when you think it’s finally over, it comes right back at you with another installment.  In case you didn’t hear, 49 year-old pitcher Jamie Moyer signed a minor-league contract with the Colorado Rockies.  He’s 49 years old.  FORTY NINE.  There are Phillies fans who saw him pitch in 2009 and thought, “I’ll be perfectly fine if I never have to watch that again.”  Just like there are Mariners fans who watched him pitch in 2004 and thought, “I’ll be perfectly fine if I never have to watch that again.”  Just like I watched Saw in 2004 and thought, “I hope they make 17 more of these!”

Barry Sanders = porn : Fine, I’ll admit “porn” isn’t a specific movie, but whenever I watch either one I’m simply amazed that human beings can physically do those things.

Shaquille O’Neal = American History X:  American History X was a great flick, but not nearly as great as Shaq was a basketball player.  O’Neal is one of the top-5 players in the history of the sport, while American History X is nowhere near the fifth-best film ever.   Both of them are great, however, and both of them have one part, one tiny part about them, that is so ugly, so horrendous and gross that in becomes unwatchable.  For American History X, it’s the extremely graphic “curb-stomping” scene.  For Shaquille O’Neal, it’s shooting free throws.  I swear to you, those “hack-a-Shaq” seasons made me feel like Malcolm McDowell being tortured in A Clockwork Orange.  (Damn you, Don Nelson!)

LeBron James = Pulp Fiction: When Pulp Fiction hit the scene in 1994, it was immediately recognized as something the world had never seen before and instantly became a pop-culture phenomenon.  The critics loved it, the fans loved it, and even people who didn’t necessarily like it still had to admit that it was ultimately great for what it was.  And what may be the most impressive thing about Pulp Fiction is the fact it actually became better over time.  As of this moment, I’ve seen Pulp Fiction roughly 1,487 times.  Put it on a television within my line of vision, and I will gladly make that number 1,488. No matter how many times I watch it I always seem to find something I hadn’t noticed before.  I can watch it by myself or in a living room full of friends and enjoy it just the same.  It is one of those rare pop-culture tsunamis that actually lived up to the hype.

Other than the year 1994, every word of the last paragraph holds true for LeBron James.  Although he hasn’t won a championship yet (Pulp Fiction won an Oscar for Best Original Screenplay), he will.  Probably this season.

I would also like to say, just for the record, any nerd who claims to have watched all of LeBron’s televised high school games is exactly like those nerds who claim to have seen Reservoir Dogs before watching Pulp Fiction.  I am both kinds of nerd.

Sean Anderson

Writer/Stand-Up Comedian

seanacomedy@gmail.com

Women have a vice that is mind boggling. I’ve seen most of the women I’m associated with in life take part in this particular vice at least once, and it is quite simply one of the strangest things I’ve ever witnessed. When a woman dates an amazing man and it doesn’t work out she will then go to the bottom of the pile for a replacement.

Why would I say this is considered a vice? Well, dating a loser does the same thing for a woman with heart-break that smoking crack does for a 19-year-old mother of 2. It takes away the pain. When the man of your dreams breaks your heart the only thing that will help repair it is dating someone that has no right being associated with you because that man will worship the ground you walk on and make you feel like a queen (or at least someone capable of being loved). That, my friends, is exactly what is going on with Elisabetta Canalis.
Elisabetta and George Clooney were in a relationship for 2 years. They enjoyed fine dining, cruises on private yachts, and whatever other perks you get from being gorgeous, rich, and famous. That relationship ended because George Clooney is a man who can sleep with any woman he wants so he gets an upgrade every couple of years because he doesn’t let society bully him into being bored by the same vagina day in and day out. Elisabetta is obviously handling this break up well as she has recently confirmed that she is now dating Steve-O. Yes, the same Steve-O that wore a fart helmet, threw up a live gold-fish after swallowing it a second earlier, pierced his butt cheeks together, and jumped off of a ladder into a big pile of stinking elephant shit. That’s just a small list of the very impressive activities on Steve-O’s resume.
I’m fascinated by this. It teaches me a few things about women, and it provides me with hope and inspiration.

Steve-O is a loser. I love the guy and he cracks me up, but there is no explanation a person could give me in regards to why a woman who was with George Clooney for two years would have a conversation with Steve-O for 5 minutes, let alone date him. What we can take away from this is that women want attention, and if you’re the first one to give it to them after a break up then you will be the first one to touch her boobies. “Men take note! That hot office girl who you’ve been eyeing is now crying because her boyfriend left her, don’t wait for the right time. Do it now!” Also, it’s obvious that women do not have types. Guys are easy. You have big boob guys, big ass guys, guys that like blondes, and guys that like Asians. For the most part when a man breaks up with one woman you will more than likely find him talking to a woman who looks very much like the last one he was with. This jump from Clooney to –O proves that women are nothing like men. They will go from a 10 to a 5 in no time at all as long as the 5 shows them attention, and is famous as hell.

Mitch Burrow

Contributor to Comedic Prose

Follow Mitch Burrow on Twitter @MitchTheComic

A few days ago I made the point to take time out and catch up on the Jersey Shore. Unfortunately it slipped my mind and the second episode was removed from online streaming. Now I have to admit I was sadden, however it didn’t last long. Because the Jersey Shore Comes on MTV aka the network that plays programing to the point you want to stab yourself to neck. So cranked up the television (floor model T.V. style), ratcheted over to MTV, and low and behold, a Jersey Shore marathon. I made it just in time to watch the last season of the Jersey Shore, and the newest episodes. And I’m glad I did.

After trying everything I could to stay awake during the first episode. It was great to not have to use smelling salts to stay remain conscious during the last two episodes. Those episodes were jam-packed with body fluids and confusion, which is the way I like the Shore. So everything was going good until somebody decided to drop Vinny’s anxiety problem in my lap. What the hell? Why couldn’t somebody edit that out? I don’t watch the Jersey Shore for sentiment or moral takeaways. “No!” I want somebody to bring home grenade that ends up stealing somebody’s wallet. “So in the future MTV could you edit that out, or at least tell me at what point I will occur during the episode. That way I can go take a piss until it’s over (race horse style).

    Once Vinny went home we got back down to the business of picking up random(s) at the bar. Now I hate to judge someone, but after 2 years can we conclude that if you come back to the Shore after the club, you have no self-respect. So don’t come back to the house and then get religion. “That’s right girl from Bosnia (I think it was Bosnia) with that pissed off look on your face¹. If you come back with my boy Pauly D assume the position. Don’t sit there and think about it just go for it. If you don’t know what to do just ask Ryder. And if you do leave the house by all means don’t come back. The first rule of Shore house is wants the grenade has left the premises; the grenade has left the premises. Holla! Adios! Hasta Luego! Get the stepping (Martin style)!”

Lastly, what up with The Situation? Who goes to someone else’s birthday party with their family and expects to be celebrated. You have to be either oblivious or stupid. Now the fact that he didn’t get some type of recognition for his birthday when he got home is messed up. However, when you’re a Douche Bag 85.9% of the time that’s what you get.

“Look Sitch if you change your personality I’m sure thing will change, but before you do that. Keep pushing Snooki into telling us what happened in that room.

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

You can Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

Just when you think the Jersey Shore can’t get any better. They hit you with a sub par episode that you feel obligated to watch. Now there wasn’t a lot there but do you think that’s going to prevent me from breaking it down?

Even though that’s was one of the most depressing Jersey Shore episodes there are some in arguable takeaways. First all the cast is starting to look a little strung out. They look like a 70s rock band that’s been dropping acid for the last month on a European tour. This is a group that should have broken up a long time ago. The Jersey Shore is the Guns and Roses of reality television. Snooki is Axl Rose, Deena is some weird roadie…. I don’t know who everyone else is. Let just leave here before it starts to get weird and unfunny.

As much as things have changed the story remains the same. What happened between The Situation and Snooki? What went on in that room that only Snooki, Ryder, The Situation, and The Unit were invited to (the unit is a Douche name and something you should never have to call another man)? We all know that it’s going to come out, because there’s no way Sitch can hold that kind of ammunition. I’ll give it 2 weeks, until Mike shows up with some photos or a strand of DNA to prove his point. And J can’t wait (Bart Scott style).

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor of Comedic Prose

www.comedicprose.com/kortneywilliams