Mike Brown is back in the NBA as the head coach of the Cleveland Cavaliers! How wonderful is that? I get to see Mike Brown on the sideline again.

Nothing makes me happier than seeing Mike Brown pacing the sideline, with that confused, yet puzzled-happy look on his face. It’s the exact same look you have when you’re not sure if you left your lights on in the car, but you’re reassured knowing that you have jumper cables in the trunk. I don’t know how often we will get that confused, yet puzzled-happy look with LeBron is no longer in town. At the same time, the Cavaliers no longer have Eric Snow, Larry Hughes, and Sasha Pavlović. So there’s still plenty of reason to look happy. The question is, what has Mike Brown gotten himself into.

The Cleveland Cavaliers may seem like a bad job from the outside. They’re one of the youngest teams in the league and haven’t won 30 games in the last 3 seasons. They’re also injury prone team, and a team that has a hard time luring free agents. However, this young team has been through the meat grinder and they are starting to show progress. The Cavaliers are a team that is on the precipice of being a perennial playoffs and possible championship contender if they make good moves. They have a point guard in Kyrie Irving that is a potential superstar, and a lot of cap room to build around him (cap room that could end up luring you know who back to Cleveland). However the thing that makes the job most attractive is Cleveland Cavaliers’ owner Dan Gilbert.

When Dan Gilbert wrote that letter a few years ago in comic sans font, he became a punch line. While hespoke for a vast majority of people in Cleveland. His letter was seen as petulant, and slightly racist. I believe that single instant has overshadowed how great of an owner Dan Gilbert is.

It easy to say that he didn’t do enough to build around LeBron James when he was in Cleveland, especially when you juxtapose it to his situation in Miami. However every year he spared no expense trying to win. He brought in big free agents, traded for players, and even changed coaches. This behavior has continued since LeBron’s departure, and he has openly acknowledged the mistakes he made during that time. Now he has rehired Mike Brown (who should have never been fired in the first place), and it looks as if the team is back on track. Now while I believe the best part about the Cleveland Cavaliers is ownership. I’m pretty sure at least one person will disagree with me…Byron Scott.

The fix was in for Byron Scott. There was nothing he could have done to keep his job. He could have found fresh water on Mars, and would have still gotten fired.

I wasn’t shocked when Byron Scott got fired, because I had connected the dots surrounding his dismissal.

About two weeks before the end of the season. A story came out that talked about the possibility of him being on the chopping block. In the moment I thought, “Huh, I’m sure he’s going to get another year. He’s coaching a young basketball that is slowly improving, and they have already picked up his option for next year….then again. This team isn’t responding defensively and they continue to blow double digit leads in the fourth quarter. Heck, me and some people from the YMCA could put up 90 on Cavaliers. And all Byron Scott would do is peruse the sideline in one of those Gucci suits, while not saying a word.” Then the day Scott got fired immediately reports began to surface about the idea of Mike Brown replacing him. On the surface it seems like a covenant coincidence, but I argue that it was a fix.

The Cavaliers never wanted to fire Mike Brown in the first place. They only got rid of him in hopes that LeBron James would stay. This is a decision they always regretted, especially when the team continued to regress defensively. So while the Cavaliers picked up Byron Scott’s option, with every intent on keeping him. They never saw the possibility that Mike Brown would be fired mid-season by the Lakers. Because Mike Brown was friends with the Cleveland Cavaliers’ GM, they knew they would have a shot to hire him at the end of the season. Consequently Bryon Scott was backed into a corner. If the Cavaliers weren’t able to make the playoffs he would be replaced by Mike Brown. So at the end of the season, with the doom solidified. The Cavaliers’ front office floated the story about the possibility of Byron Scott being fired. They followed that up by firing Scott less than 24 hours after the season expired. That same day a report surfaced that Mike Brown and his family had planned on moving back the Cleveland months ago. Next the Cavaliers pursue Phil Jackson to throw off the scent, while having a handshake deal with Mike Brown. Two days later Mike Brown is introduced as, “Mike Brown 2.0″and the children rejoiced.

Meanwhile Byron Scott came out in a phone interview in which he said, “I don’t think I got a fair shake.” To that I would say, “You’re right Byron you didn’t get a fair shake, but you’re a good coach that will probably get another job within a year. Trust me. If you’re discourage just remember. This is a league that continues to hire Flip Saunders.”

So what does the hiring of Mike Brown me?

It means that Mike Brown will continue to have a very good coaching record in NBA. Somehow he has been able to avoid situations that would have him lose a bunch of games. He got to Cleveland when LeBron was ready to win. Then he left Cleveland at the perfect time, and parlayed his success into a job with the L.A. Lakers. He took the 2012 Lakers to the playoffs when they were still salvageable. Now he is back with the Cleveland Cavaliers. A team that is now ready to go to the playoffs. I don’t know if Mike Brown will be the best overall fit for this club long term, but I do know him being here is a good sign.

*Full of Unapologetic Cleveland Bias

 You may also like, Mike Brown, has become the black Flip Saunders

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

My man Dion Waiters has been going H.A.M. (flash style) for the last month and a half.

Things looked bleak for the Cleveland cavaliers when Kyrie Irving was advised to sit out and rest his knee. However, Waiters has taken Irving’s absence as an opportunity to showcase his skill. He has led the Cavaliers to 2 consecutive win, and nearly added a third over the Miami Heat. With Irving out, people are noticing Dion, but this isn’t a recent trend. It’s been this way for a while.

Now I will be the first to say I am pleasantly/shockingly surprised. I couldn’t stand Dion Waiters for the first 2 months of the NBA season. He was horribly inconsistent and shot the Cavaliers out of basketball games. Dude was shooting a miraculous 30% from the field – also known as Austin Rivers territory –, and was eventually bench by Byron Scott. Personally I wanted Scott to ship him off to sea in a pontoon boat with just enough gas for a one way trip. I was done watching this guy take smelly steamers during games. However, something happened during Christmas break. I don’t know if he got shots up or watched tape of the smelly steamers he was taking. Perhaps he went on that one way pontoon trip to get some dear antler spray. And after a few sprays under his tongue he swam back with a jump shot. I don’t know what happened, but you have to credit Dion Waiters. Since Christmas break he is shooting 47% while taking fewer shots and averaging more points. He has helped the Cleveland Cavaliers get better, and was a huge part of the Cavaliers being over five hundred in the month of February (The first time they have been over five hundred since King Hudini left).

My only advice now would be for him to stay off the 3-point line. He’s been brick city (Redman style) beyond the arc all year. “So work on that in the offseason. In the meantime please drop the pontoon boat, and antler spray off at the Indians practice facility. I have a feeling the will need it.”

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

The young Cleveland Cavaliers look like they’re starting to figure out how to play. That’s evident by them winning 7 of their last 11, and emerging from the purgatory, that is the worst teams in the NBA. please note: they are still one of the worst teams, but there is a reason for a hyperbolic celebration anytime you are no longer associated with the Charlotte Bobcats. Offensively they are sharing the ball, which is an improvement that can’t be understated. They no longer have the feel of a constipated man on a government cheese and potato diet.

A lot of credit for the Cavaliers’ recent winning has to go to Byron Scott and the front office. Please note: In any conversation involving the success of the 2012 Cavaliers. It’s understood that Kyrie Irving gets 85% of the credit. It has been nice to get a look at the way Byron Scott would like the team to play. They now have a faster pace offense, that complements their defense. It’s also clear that the front office has successfully managed their draft, and filled needs via trades. Most notably the trade in which they got Marreese Speights and Wayne Ellington, for some dude named Jon Leuer. However I think it’s time to slow down on all the winning.

At the risk of being ostracized by unintellectual Cavalier fans (of whom I will never have the displeasure of speaking with). I want to argue that for the best interest in long-term success. The Cavaliers should lose games. Because Cleveland Cavaliers don’t get big-time free agents, they have to build through the draft. And if they can continue to gets picks and draft well. They will have good, young, cheap assets. That can be used to build the nucleus of their team, or be flipped in a trade.

Whatever they decide to do with their picks is fine with me. I’m at the point where I trust them to build the Cavaliers. However it would be nice if the Cavaliers lost more games, and increased their Ping-Pong balls.

1. Jon Leuer couldn’t get on the court for the Cleveland Cavaliers, a team that at the time was in NBA purgatory with the Charlotte Bobcats.

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

Bill Parcells stole money from the Miami Dolphins (Mike Holmgren style). He got a front office job based on his reputation and a Super Bowl championship. Yet he never produced any substantive results, and once there was an ownership change he went deuces. Likewise Mike Holmgren has followed suit. This move is a no lose situation. Sure you’re losing someone that was said to be a great football mind, but what did he do? After his tenure, what do the Browns have to show in the name of progress? They have the best offensive tackle in the game (Joe Thomas), and nothing else. Perhaps he’s a false profit, and just another Big Tuna.

So I think for every rational Browns’ fan when I say, “Good riddance! Deuces! Holla, don’t let the door hit you on the way out, and make sure you take your ski mask out of the top drawer.

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

While I watched them play I couldn’t help but think, “Maybe this young team has found a way to get it done. Perhaps they have an effective starting pitcher that can throw a ball over the plate without it being taken deep?” After watching the Indians get smashed at home this weekend against the Minnesota Twins (Justin Morneau style), those assertions sounds ridiculous. In actually the Indians are probably a mediocre team that managed to squeak out two games against and underachieving Tigers squad.

It may be time to pull out the fork for the Cleveland Indians. I say “May” because they’re only five games back with about 60 games left to play. However if you been watching this team it would be wise to at least open the knife drawer, and start deciding which one you want to use.

If the Indians don’t start playing better in the next 2 weeks, it’s over. I feel like they have a sufficient offense to make a run in their division, but they a lacking reliable starting pitching.

Earlier this year, I wrote that I wanted Justin Masterson sent to Uzbekistan and Josh Tomlin to be sent to a minor league intermural team in Toledo. Now I would like to amend my position. I want Masterson on a Pontoon boat in the Atlantic, and I want Tomlin to stop pitching for the rest of his life’ because clearly he’s no good. I don’t know how you consistently stink, but still keep your job. Even José Mesa thinks this guy has a long leash. Maybe Tomlin can partner up with Rick Ankiel and he can teach him how to play center field.

One bright spot for the Indians rotation has been Zach McAllister. After being called up to the Majors he has shown that he has the skills needed to stay. It is yet to be seen if he’s worthy of the middle of the rotation or if he will come out of the bullpen. It’s hard to tell after only 10 starts. We’ll see what happens once hitters have tape on him. At that time I will reevaluate my position. I may ditch every good thing I said about him at the beginning of this paragraph and make him the captain of The “Pitchers that can’t seem to get an out” Pontoon boat.

Unless the Indians completely implode in the next two weeks, one would have to say that they’re having an impressive season. They are a young team that has been competitive despite glaring disadvantages. However, that won’t stop me from grabbing the fork and holding it over my head (“Hacksaw” Jim Duggan style), while I scream profanities at the pitcher.

See you in a couple of weeks.

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

A great man once said, “Three ways are never a good, because someone always leaves unsatisfied.” The Cleveland Cavaliers are in prime position to be that guy watching at the foot of the bed. If the Cavaliers end up being the 3^rd team in the Dwight Howard deal, it could set back their franchise for the next few years. The goal is to bring a championship to the city of Cleveland, and as presently constituted. The three team deal would put them further away from that goal. They will end up getting one above average NBA player and potentially the 27^th pick from the Brooklyn Nets. That’s a recipe for the 7^th spot in the playoffs.

When the Cavaliers lost their superstar in the summer of 2011, they guaranteed themselves a couple of things. A lot of losing and lottery picks. If a team is patience and smart, both of those things can make you a championship contender (please see the Oklahoma City Thunder). The Cavaliers have exhibited patience thus far. It’s not time to “go dumb again” and facilitate a super team in Brooklyn. I love Jay-Z just as much as the next black kid from the suburbs, but he’s not doing any favors for the Cleveland Cavaliers. Unless…

The Cavaliers can be winners in this trade if they can get a first round pick from a team other than the Nets and convince Kris Humphries to stay in Cleveland (Normally I would argue against the retention of Humphries, because of the Kardashian residue. But if he has broken the curse, it’s alright that he stays). In this scenario they would protect themselves with a lottery pick if they were to make the playoffs. And if they have the great fortune of missing the playoffs, their reward to be two lottery picks. So in the 3 years they would have turned the loss of LeBron James into: Kyrie Irving, Tristan Thompson, Dion Waiters, a guaranteed 2013 lottery pick, and a former Kardashian. Smells like a championship to me. As long as they don’t end up at the foot of the bed.

*Full of Unapologetic Cleveland Bias

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

I guess it’s time for the Cleveland Cavalier fan to emerge. Personally I had to give the Cleveland fan inside me some time to recover. I actually started my recovery 3 minutes into the 3rd quarter. When I realized that the Oklahoma City Thunder were intent on putting Kendrick Perkins on the floor, just so they could watch him get his shot get his shot blocked. And when Mike Miller hit his 15^th 3-pointer in row, I thought it was a good time to jog 3 miles in hopes of getting some of that pissed off, off of me. If I would have stayed in front of my tube T.V., I would have probably thrown an MGD at it.

Fortunately my low only lasted until the next day. That’s when I got to hear the Championship Rant on the Dan LeBatard Show with Stugotz and Hock.

Listening to someone gloat about breaking my heart has never made me feel so good.

I’m a big fan of Dan LeBatard and his work. I love his radio and T.V. show, and the best thing he does is the Miami rants.

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

The Oklahoma City Thunder and The Miami Heat, will play Game 1 of the NBA Finals tonight. Oklahoma City is the better team, and I expect them to win the Finals in dominating fashion. I believe they could possibly sweep the Heat. However that rarely happens, so I’m picking Oklahoma City in six games. Now that I have gotten my pukey uninspired prediction out of the way, let’s move to the real issue.

Who will I root for?

Naturally I have an inclination to root against anything associated with LeBron James. I stopped drinking Powerade because his face is on the bottle. Actually that’s not completely true. I stopped drinking red Powerade only because his face is only on that bottle, but I still enjoy a refreshing Arctic Shatter after a long day¹. So naturally I can’t stand the Miami Heat. I don’t like their uniforms, the Heat girls, or that cynical, “My work is beautiful look” on Pat Riley’s face during games. I don’t even like the people in their half full arena. All those things make me wish ill will on the Heat.

On the other side you have the young up-and-coming Oklahoma City Thunder. “They’re just a bunch of 23 year old kids out there trying to figure out which way is up.” They have superstars in Russell Westbrook and Kevin Durant. They have a humble unassuming coach, and a rabid fan base that loves their team. Plus, “They did it the right way.” I hear OKC fans say, “Durant didn’t need a press conference to announce his decision. Hey actually sent a telegram to the neighborhood elementary school, and they announced it during their morning show. Are team was built the right way.” They were built the right way except for the fact that the team was stolen from Seattle (Baltimore Ravens Style).

I see pissed of Seattle Super Sonics fans every day, and I lie to them. I tell them that they’ll get another team, and be contenders in no time. When in all actuality Seattle will end up getting the Charlotte Bobcats and Bismack Biyombo. Now granted there are a lot of jaded sports fans in Seattle, but none of them believe some dude named Bismack is the next Kevin Durant. You would have a better of convincing them that the Seattle Storm are really worth watching.

So there are cons on both sides of the NBA Finals. As a Cleveland Sports fan I should probably sympathize more with a city that lost a franchise, that now has a chance to win a championship. However my hated – hatred is probably too strong of a word. Instead you can call it my extreme irrational unequivocal code burgundy like level dislike – of LeBron James the basketball player overcomes my morality. So I’m rooting for the Oklahoma City Thunder to humiliate the Miami Heat.

I apologize to my adopted city of Seattle, but I have to do it. Feel free to come by the U-District and egg the room I’m renting on frat row.

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

With the Rookie of the year in Kyrie Irving and 4 picks in the 2012 Draft. The Cleveland Cavaliers seem to headed in the right direction. The only problem is they have the potentially catastrophic #4 pick in the 2012 NBA draft, also known as, Harrison Barnes.

If the Cavaliers draft Barnes, there is a 97.7% chance that the pick will be wasted. Only thing that keeps me from going the full 100% is his ability to shoot, and the fact that I’m a coward. Plus if they do draft him, the 2.3% gives me the ability say, “Well maybe I was wrong.” The problem is he’s a guy that underachieved for 2 years with a team that was loaded with talent. He was supposed the guy that put the ACC on its head, the only freshman to ever make the ACC Preseason first team. However he never showed up, and in the end, wasn’t even the best player on his team. In addition he went King Houdini ¹ (Please read the footnote, and add King Houdini to your sports lexicon…oh, you’re welcome) in the NCAA Tournament, and the last thing Cleveland needs is another Houdini².

If you’re a Cleveland fan and you think about the potential of acquiring Harrison Barnes. Not only should you be disowned by your closets relatives. But you should be nervous to the point where your butt cheeks are so tight that you could pick a cherry up by the stem. In March Grantland.com ran an excellent article named “Brand Gone Bust” by Jay Caspian Kang about Harrison Barnes. Kang chronicled the career of Barnes from high school to college. One thing that was highlighted was Barnes’ awareness of his public perception and his goal to become a brand. Those things should be Red Flags to everyone in the city of Cleveland. You can see by his well image that Barnes is just a guy telling you what you want to hear. He reminds me of a car salesman at a Kia dealership. Though he’s selling you trash, he’ll convince you that he’s doing things the right way.

To make matters worse Harrison Barnes did a public decision when deciding what college he would go to, and he selected his school by skyping the head coach he wanted to play for (Red Flag). So not only did he go decision, but he had a grown man huddle around a computer, waiting to see if a 17 year old would call him. “And you thought LeBron James was pretentious”.

Drafting Harrison Barnes is not worth the risk. We don’t need to be spectators to a guy trying to increase his value. Lord knows Cleveland fans have had enough of dudes trying to build their brand (If you need a reminder please see LeBron James and the dude that claimed he couldn’t run the ball because he had strep throat). Now Barnes would be worth the risk if he had LeBron James type game, but he doesn’t. At best Harrison is a role player on a championship team. So instead drafting Harrison Barnes and his brand name, take a risk on the upside of 6′ 10″ Andre Drummond, or maybe draft and trade Kendall Marshall.

We’ll see what the Cleveland front office does, but they’re on the clock.

1. King Houdini is a term I came up with for LeBron James’ disappearing act at the end of basketball games. Feel free to use this term for the hometown frustrating player of your choice. Just be sure to holla out ya boy and shoot me a #KingHoudini.

2. No more. Nuff said.

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

The other day I heard someone say, that the Cleveland Indians’ pitching was, “Pedestrian.”

To say Cleveland’s pitching is pedestrian, is an insult to pedestrians, and anyone that has ever brought a pair of walking shoes (Mr. Rogers style). This pitching staff is competitively repulsive. Only they could give up 23 runs to a Boston Red Sox team that was struggling. I thought that Ubaldo Jiménez was going to be able to give them more, but I’m questioning that. I love his funky motion, with the double clutch action. However if the other team is cranky balls over the wall (José Canseco style) it doesn’t matter. His fall to earth makes me believe the gig is up. Perhaps this is a Dontrelle Willis situation, and he’ll be all but forgotten in 2 seasons. The only thing that could give Cleveland fans some reservation and hope. Is that Jiménez has great stuff. I think he can still be an anchor for the Cleveland pitching staff, but dude has to get right.

The biggest problem in Cleveland’s pitching staff is Justin Masterson. What happened to him? He was decent last year, and seemed positioned to have a breakout season. But dude is stinking up the joint. His head minus well be on a permanent swivel. That way he doesn’t have to turn around to watch the ball go over the wall. I have said before that I want him to be sent to a minor league intramural team in Toledo. Now I want to change my position, and send him Uzbekistan. He is terrible, and with the number of runs he’s giving up. I don’t think he’s coming back anytime soon. He needs to go to the minor leagues, so he can get right. Maybe it will end up being a Cliff Lee situation all over again.

At the end of the day the Indians have to make some decisions. The offense will not be able to hide their lack of pitching all season. Eventually they will be exposed. I just hope it happens before they’re out of playoff contention.

*Full of Unapologetic Cleveland Bias

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

The Ubaldo Jimenez got a win for the Cleveland Indians this weekend against Yu Darvish and the Texas Rangers. That’s right Ubaldo finally won something, and he looked good doing it. He only gave up two hits, and no earned runs. Also don’t look now but the Indians are in first place. First place! It’s time to start buying postseason tickets.

If you’re a fan of the Cleveland Indians this is the time when you have to start asking yourself, “Are the Indians really good, or is this a mirage? Perhaps this will end the same way last year did. With me trying to get rid of my tickets on StubHub while I wonder why Grady Sizemore is still on the team.”

The Cleveland Indians were ahead of schedule last year. It was Carlos Santana’s (I love that name. I pronounce it like Future pronounces, Tony Montana) first full season, Jimenez came in during the middle of the season, and for some reason we were still treating Grady Sizemore like he was good. Now Santana is more comfortable, Asdrubal Cabrera looks even better, and those young players are benefiting from last years’ experience. The Cleveland Indians have the best young team in the league¹. That brings me to my new Indians’ crush Jason Kipnis. I apologize if I hurt Cabrera or Santana for breaking the news publically, but I had to do it.

Kipnis can be the piece the Indians need in the playoff. First of all he’s a great fielder and has respectable speed. However his bat is what Cleveland will need most in the playoffs. With him in the lineup you can’t pitch around the Indians’ power (limited as it is). The success of the offensive will come down to how consistent he is. Now will that be enough to get the Indians to the playoffs? I think the pitching has more to do with that.

It was encouraging to see Ubaldo have a good outing yesterday. However he has had an underwhelming start to the season, and the pitching staff as a whole is terrible. I am personally trying to demote Justin Masterson and Josh Tomlin to a minor league intramural team in Toledo. They have been flat out pathetic. It’s like they’re having a contest to see who can give up the most hits, yet still manage a win. They are stanking up the joint. All I have to say is, you know you’re pitching is bad when a hungover Derek Lowe is leading your staff.

The success of the 2012 Cleveland Indians will come down to their pitching. With the way their staff is performing it doesn’t look like the team will keep up their early success. However this is a time to celebrate. It’s May and the Cleveland Indians are in first place. The only question is, if it’s too early to call them the team to beat in the American League Central?

1. The Tampa Bay Rays are by far the best young team in the league, but I was getting my homer on and I wasn’t going to compromise that with facts.

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

LeBron James of the Miami Heat is about to win his third MVP. That’s right, “Not one, not two, but three (Cue the smoke and music ‘bum, bum, bum’).” With his this MVP, LeBron will solidify himself as the best player of his generation (I’m not sure this is breaking news. I mean who is better than him? The only person close to him in this generation is Dwyane Wade, and he not even in the conversation.), and it’s not even close. He’s better than every player of his era in all the important measurable categories, and he’s the only player to lead his team to multiple 60 win seasons (Derrick Rose did it once, but I refuse to make this article about his inadequacies. So allow me to leave that there). Now you add a 2012 season, where dude was on his Captain Kirk ish*¹, and even the biggest LeBron critic would have to say he’s killing it (Shaolin style). However his career is no longer about how good he is. Now it’s time to assess his greatness (this is when all the Wade fans can perk up, because Wade is a greater player*).

It’s no longer impressive to watch LeBron James dunk on people or throw powder in the air, while a half full arena shuffles into the Grey Goose Lounge². That’s what he’s supposed to do. What is past due on the agenda is a championship ring which is even more evident now that he’s won another MVP.

James is officially in a category of his own. LeBron is now the only player to have won 3 MVPs without winning an NBA championship. So while it is an honor to be rewarded as the regular season player of the year. LeBron’s latest MVP has become a glaring indictment on his career. A career that is presently most notable for underachieving. Someone could make every excuse as for why LeBron James has yet to hoist the NBA Championship. You can blame it on the Cleveland Cavaliers, or even the lack of cohesion with the Miami Heat. However as Terrell Suggs says, “There’s getting it done, and not getting it done.” So far LeBron hasn’t gotten it done, and there’s no amount of talcum powder that can hide that fact.

So I’m not celebrating LeBron for proving something I already know. He is the best player in the NBA. I don’t need David Stern to present him with a trophy for me to understand that. It’s time for King James³ to win a championship this year. He could silence his critics this summer by leading the Miami Heat to their second championship in franchise history. Then he can place his championship ring on his middle finger for all those that didn’t believe to see. On the other side if he doesn’t get it done. All his MVPs will be an indictment on a career that should be better. Who knows what will happen. One thing that is for sure is we are still waiting to witness⁴ greatness.

*Before you email me with your complaints. This article assumes that LeBron James will win his third MVP. If that ends up not coming to pass please disregard.

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

The Cleveland Browns must find a way to get Robert Griffin III for several reasons. First and foremost he’s the best quarterback in the draft.

I know some people would argue for Andrew Luck, and to those people I would like to show them a video of RG3 running a 4.38 40-yard dash. Then I would throw in tape from his last year at Baylor, and we would eat popcorn as we watched him hit receivers on deep balls in stride. If that weren’t enough I would tell my boy RG3 to hold up the Heisman Trophy, as I held up my middle finger and a sign that read, “Eat it!”

The Browns have a young team with needs basically everywhere (That includes head coach). So why not go all in on a franchise player at the most important position? Robert Griffin could be the foundation of a division championship team in Cleveland (that’s right I said it). Not only is he a great player, but he’s a fantastic leader. He’s the type of guy that could grab a rudderless team and lead them in the right direction. Furthermore Robert Griffin would be great for the city Cleveland.

Historically Cleveland has been a team that gets close but never finishes the deal. I believe in recent years (excluding the Indians) that’s because the teams weren’t built correctly. However if the Browns draft Griffin they could follow in the footsteps of the Cleveland Cavaliers by building around the most important position.

The arrival of Kyrie Irving is starting to change a city that thought they would struggle after the loss of LeBron James. In addition it has instantly changed the fortune of the Cleveland Cavaliers. They now have the best draft pick in the last 5 years¹, and a future All-Star point guard. If the Browns draft Robert Griffin III, the city of Cleveland would have two guys to hang their hat on. In time I believe that both will put their respective teams and the city of Cleveland in a great position to win a championship.

The Cleveland Browns have control over this situation. All they need to do is pony up whatever it cost. Sure it has the potential of backfiring, but look at the way it worked out for the New York Giants with Eli Manning. They gave up the house and have been rewarded with 2 championships so far. Hopefully the Browns do the same, if not for them then for the city of Cleveland.

*Full of Unapologetic Cleveland Bias

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

When reports surfaced that LeBron James of the Miami Heat would be open to the idea of returning to the Cleveland Cavaliers. I grunted, “This guy is unbelievable Un-bee-lieevable! (Dane Cook style).” What the hell happened? Are you finished taking your talents to South Beach? Did all the women dry up because of your lack of closing skills? Perhaps you realized that out of control mother who occasionally slaps valets and city with endless resources¹ don’t mix? I’m not sure what the reason is but, I admire LeBron James’ unique ability to actuality believe what he’s saying. Just two summers ago he was counting off the number of championships he was going to bring to Miami. Heat fans should be proud of number 6.

To say LeBron James is disingenuous would be an understatement, and the fact that he said he would be opening to going back to Cleveland should be more proof. This is the same place he said he left because he wanted to have a better chance to win. “Well Bron Bron, you didn’t win.” So if he hasn’t won in a situation that everyone considers to better, why would you even consider coming back? It makes you wonder what his motive is. I believe LeBron’s motive is to win a championship as comfortable as possible while making “plenty money“ (Plies style).

First LeBron goes back for Plenty Money

The greatest benefit for LeBron would be financially. Something that no one talks about is that the reason he went to Miami is to be more marketable. However, after the backlash from his decision and the way he wet the bed in the NBA Finals. James has become less marketable. Now strangely enough he would make more money if he went back to Cleveland. If he repaired that relationship, immediately he would become the story of the NBA, and once again be the biggest superstar on a good team. Consequently his merchandise sales would go up, and once again he would be that guy with plenty money.

Now if he were to win a championship top of everything…plenty more money.

First LeBron goes back for a championship

James went to Miami because he thought the team was so stacked that it would be easy to win a championship. He even said so during the pyrotechnic celebration that, “…once the game starts it’s going to be easy.²” So since the Heat were unsuccessful in winning the championship last year, and has the opportunity to opt out of his contract in 2 years. He’s beginning to hedge his bet in the event that things don’t work out. And as crazy as sounds, the Cavaliers’ chances of winning a championship will be better than the Heat’s in 2 years. So if he starts greasing the skids now for a return. He will have a better chance of being taken back, and winning a championship in the future.

So how could he return to Cleveland?

The scenario under which LeBron James could return to the Cavaliers is as follows: He must be unsuccessful in winning a championship in Miami (He can’t come back to Cleveland flashing a ring. That’s like getting with your new girl while flashing the jewelry your ex-wife gave you). It’s a must that he comes back desperate to win his first championship with the city of Cleveland. Also he must repair his relationship with the Cleveland fan base. Maybe he could take out a full page add in the Plain Dealer? How about another decision, in which you invite some kids from South Beach to watch you urinate on the city of Miami, while taking your talents back to Lake Erie. Lastly he has to repair his relationship with Dan Gilbert, and Gilbert has to public embrace him. This is the most important part off the process. If LeBron James can get his biggest critic (Dan Gilbert) to accept him back publicly, it will not only ease feelings with Cleveland fans, but it will instantly repair his relationship with the public. The public has no reason to continue their dislike LeBron James. The reason they boo him is because the Cleveland dislikes him. So if Cleveland at least accepts James. The public will be more than willing to root for James again.

Eventually LeBron will win a championship, because he’s too smart not to. He knows that his legacy after basketball is tied to rings. So if he wants to be able to sell his brand, and remain relevant. He has to have jewelry. James also wants to be a billionaire athlete, and winning a championship in Cleveland would go a long way to making that happen. And if he brought a championship to Cleveland, imagine how comfortable he would be.

“…At the end of the day, the guys who are playing for the right reasons who are trying to win championships are not worrying about one play…They also are not tweeting about themselves talking about going down to No. 2. I just feel [James] is always looking for attention and he wants the world to like him.” – Kendrick Perkins

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

LeBron James: The Prodigal Son

As a native of Cleveland, Ohio, my first thought when LeBron James left Cleveland, OH was denial.  My second emotion was anger.  But my third emotion, like many other Cleveland Cavaliers fans, was hope.  Today, after seeing Lebron’s interview in Cleveland from yesterday, that hope is growing.

LeBron James left myself and any other Cleveland Cavaliers fan in despair two summers ago when he proclaimed his infamous Decision, to “take his talents to South Beach.”   However, after watching him look like he was about to break down in tears during his interview yesterday, I can’t say enough of how strongly I want to have him back.  If you haven’t seen the interview, go back to the tape.  Notice, how LeBron looks like a kid who just got caught doing the wrong thing.  “Lebron, now what do you say???”

LeBron like the big kid he is, apologized to his tyrant of a former boss, and basically the entire city of Cleveland, stating outright that he made a “mistake.”  Now, whether that mistake was leaving Cleveland, or just the asinine (ass-a-ten, ass-a-leven, ass-a-twelve) decision to make “The Decision,” on national television in Ohio, honestly I could care less. All anyone in Cleveland cares about is winning, and honestly LeBron James is the only thing we have close to that.  Furthermore, he still fits the mold of a Cleveland athlete, because over the tenure of his career, he and Cleveland, OH have the same number of championships: zero.

Furthermore, after last year I believe the nation, and particularly Cleveland is getting much closer to giving up on beating up on one of our own.  You disagree?  Well think. If LeBron wins, you think people won’t say ten years from now “Yeah, but he was one of ours!”  If you think we won’t, you’re sadly mistaken.  Do you want to know why?  Because in ten years, he’ll still be the closest thing we have to a championship.  You disagree?  Let’s go to the numbers.

Currently, Ohio has no contenders on the professional sports levels.  Put simply, we suck.  Our baseball hasn’t been good since Jose Mesa screwed us . . . twice! Our football is only “well – represented” when Eric Mangini is on First Take.  Our National Championship contender “THE” Ohio State University has been covered in scandal only trumped by Penn State in recent years, and we can’t help but know that Kyrie Irving will probably be John Wall next year, forcing us once again into the NBA Draft Lottery to pay another young player with limited up-side, and no leadership skills because he’ll probably be a college freshman (s/o to the “One-And-Done Rule,” thanks D. Stern). So, with that in mind you’re telling me we wouldn’t want to take back a 2-Time (soon to be 3-Time) MVP, who’s already a first-ballot Hall of Fame inductee, with two appearances to the NBA Finals on his resume? If not LBJ, King James, “The Chosen One” (or whatever other tags he places on his bicycles) then who?

Now, bringing to my last and final point.  While most Cleveland fans won’t say this, we love LBJ.  Not just because of his awesome run in the gold and maroon, but because he’s ours.  Further, he’s the only guy that has a reason to dig us out of the hole we’ve been in for too long now.  A short list of MVP candidates over the last two years whittle down to these few names: LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, Kobe Bryant, Amare Stoudemire, Carmelo Anthony, Dwight Howard, Kevin Durant, Derrick Rose, Lamarcus Aldridge, Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce, Dirk Nowitzki.  While I may have left a few out, what’s more important is the following question:  Someone please tell me which, of any of these potential NBA Finals MVPs would want to come to Cleveland, Ohio?  .  These are today’s potential MVPs.  Someone, tell me which of these people have ANY reason to go and win a Championship for the economically depressed, emotionally torn, and competitively incompetent city of Cleveland?  There’s only one:  L.B.J.

I know Cleveland.  I know what LeBron James meant to us.  Honestly, we’ve been in a hole for a long time, and he will inevitably be our Babe Ruth curse.  There’s only one way to defeat our worst nightmare: face them head on.  LeBron spurned us, but he’s admitted his mistake.  That’s why I say, and I know Cavs fans will agree, “Lebron, thank you for your apology, and like the Prodigal son . . . you’re always welcome home.”

Kyle Williams

Kyle is a writer on Comedic Prose

Follow Kyle on Twitter @darealkwilliams

The Cleveland Cavaliers have found themselves in a very interesting position. While they’re losing games in a Cleveland like fashion¹. They are also poised to follow the small market blueprint to success.

If you haven’t been paying attention to the NBA for the last three decades let me catch you up on the Cavaliers history in one sentence. Lose, get close, lose, get really close, have your heart ripped out on national television, and lose some more. However, could the Cavs finally be set up for championship success…sorry for the pause but I was laughing.

I don’t know if you’ve read the book on how to create a championship team in a small market. If you haven’t, allow me to write it and take full credit for saving the NBA. Now it’s a short book so pay attention…ready? If a small market wants a chance at a championship they need to be terrible for 3 successive years, and have some luck. That’s it! That’s the book (please feel free to share this with the Washington Wizards)! You’re welcome. You may be surprised, because I threw it out there kind of off the cuff. I usually don’t put my gold of an idea in a comedic context, but this is no laughing matter. As a matter of fact I don’t have time to laugh. I’m too busy dropping grammatical gems with an approach reminiscent to a guy that did nothing but worked out and read Aristotle while in prison.

The way NBA teams get better is through the Draft Lottery. There are no exceptions. Now you may say, “What about the Lakers and Celtics? They don’t draft in the lottery and they have won the most championships.” However, if you look closer those teams actually prove the rule. It is true that the Lakers don’t actually draft players, but they traffic in the business of signing lottery picks. So while they circumvent the draft because of because of franchise history, mainstream access, or location (L.A. can give you all three and they can put a lady pyramid on top). They don’t circumvent the rule.

It’s important for small market teams to be terrible in order to become great. This is most evident by the Oklahoma City Thunder who got in the lottery and got lucky with Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook. So if you’re the Cleveland Cavaliers with a top 5 point guard in Kyrie Irving². You have to think you’re once piece away.

The Cavaliers got the best players in the 2011 NBA Draft, and that’s not debatable. I do think that they are one franchise player away from being a playoff team, and by losing they are putting themselves in the perfect position to get that piece. As a Cavs fan this is the best scenario. Outside of being able to retroactively trade LeBron James for Kevin Love and Minnesota’s next three first round picks (they stay in the lottery). So I’m looking forward to finishing this season 10 games below 500, welcoming Harrison Barnes, and hopefully stinking again.

GO CAVS!!!

1. Definition of Losing in Cleveland Fashion – Often and all the time

2. Top Five Point Guards 1. Chris Paul 2. Deron Williams 3. Derrick Rose 4. Rajon Rondo 5. Russell Westbrook 6. Steve Nash 7. Mike Conley Jr., Brandon Jennings, and Kyrie Irving…well I guess he’s not in the top five, but it sounded good.

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

You can Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane