After nearly an entire NFL season that came close to not happening in the first place, we have just four teams remaining with a chance to win it all.  The winners of this Sunday’s games will face off in Super Bowl XXVILMNOP or whatever number they’re on.  And no matter what happens, neither team will be the Saints or the Packers.

This time of the year has always been bitter-sweet for me.  On one hand, I know in my gut that football is almost over and that the longest eight months of the year are just around the corner.  I also know that I will soon have to acquire a life again.

On the other hand, I get to enjoy the most intense football of the season.  I’ve always felt the conference championship yielded better “football” games than the Super Bowl.  Don’t get me wrong, we’ve had some great Super Bowls over the last decade, but the final four teams that play for the conference championships are always playing at a top-notch level.  The week of constant media hoopla between the conference championships and the Super Bowl seems to drag the participating teams down.  One of my favorite bets I ever made was betting the under in the first half (24.5) of Super Bowl XXVLMXYZ (the one when the Saints beat the Colts).  Even though both those teams had high-powered offenses, I knew the time off was going to effect the flow of the game from an offensive standpoint.  The score was 10-6 at halftime.

But that bet was in the past…just like the picks from last weeks column!  After an atrocious week of picks during the Wild Card round, I came back strong last week by going 6-2, bringing my picks record to 8-8 this postseason.  Going 0-4 on over/under picks that first weekend, I did the complete opposite in the Divisional round by going a perfect 4-0.  So what does this mean?  It means I used up all of my gambling luck last weekends and all of these new picks will probably be wrong.  Enjoy!!

My pick is in bold, and my opinion is fact:

RAVENS (+9) and UNDER 50.5

This Sunday’s games were not easy to pick.  I can see both teams winning, both teams covering, and it being over and under…in both games.  Having said that, if I had to pick only one NFL bet this weekend to wager my entire life’s savings on, I would put all $878.46 on Baltimore plus the nine points.  I see this game being very similar to last weekend’s Giants/Packers game.  I’m upset at myself for not seeing it last weekend (I bet the Packers), and I’m not going to make the same mistake twice.

This game is the classic case of one team’s strength being the perfect counter for the other team’s strength.  And vice-versa.  (You get what I’m saying.)  Baltimore has a stout defense (strength), and New England’s offense is running at maximum efficiency right now (strength).  And on the other side, you have a (relatively) weak Ravens pass offense squaring off against an (actually) unassuming Patriot pass defense.  The same way Green Bay’s offense (strength) was shut down by the Giants D (str…you get the point), Baltimore will do the exact same thing to Tom Brady and company.  Combine that with Joe Flacco facing an opponent with a defense that even he can look great against, and you have yourself a Baltimore Ravens victory.

That’s right, folks.  Not only do I think the Ravens will cover the 9, I think they will win the game outright.  I know, I know; Tom Brady, Bill Belichick, home-field advantage, and Tom Brady.  I get it.  But everyone was saying the same thing last week about the Packers, too.  (Well, maybe not the McCarthy/Belichick part.)  This game will play out as a slightly closer version of this matchup in the 2009 playoffs.  And even if Baltimore does find a way to choke the game away at the end, they will at least cover the spread.  And then I will have $1,756.92.

49′ers (-3) and OVER 42

This is the game I went back and forth on all week.  When the dust settled, I went with the Niners.  Honestly, I have a strong feeling that this bet will be a push, as I have San Fransisco winning this game on a late field goal.  Here’s why:

Everyone thinks the Giants are going to win.  I used this exact logic last weekend when New York played the Pack in Lambeau (and I incorrectly picked Green Bay).  But that philosophy was flawed last week, for you see, not everyone thought the Giants would win that game.  Granted, a lot of people were riding big on the G-men last week (the line moved 1.5 points), and they did look impressive the previous week at home against Atlanta, but that was at home against Atlanta.  Deep down, I think a lot of us felt Green Bay would win last week, no matter how good the Giants looked the week before.

Which leads us to where we are now; everyone is officially on the New York (football) Giants bandwagon!  All aboard!!!  This game, as opposed to last week’s game, now officially matches the description of “one the Giants should win.”  Therefore, the Giants will lose.  It’s nearly a science at this point.

And if my hocus pocus, magic voodoo theories aren’t enough to convince you to wager your money and you want a real reason as to why the Giants will fall short this weekend, here it goes:  The 49′ers know how to tackle.  I can’t tell you how many times New York has thrown a 12-yard pass that has ended up being an 80-yard touchdown over the last month and a half.  It’s unreal.  Somehow, every safety and corner the Giants faced down the stretch completely forgot how to tackle.  Not this week, though.  San Fransisco knows how to tackle, they know how to cover, and they know how to win in the playoffs (I still can’t believe they won last week).  Take all of that, and add Eli playing in a 3,000-mile-away-from-home road game, and…yeah.  I’ll give up three points with a smile on my face.

So there you have it, I’m predicting the Harbaughs will face each other in the Super Bowl.  Given the choice, I promise you this would not be the matchup I would choose.  However, I have a feeling it’s the one we’ll end up watching 16 days from now.  And even if I’m right and this is the Super Bowl matchup, the two weeks of non-stop Harbaugh brothers coverage will be a living hell for the Ryan brothers to watch.  So at least we’ll have that.

Sean Anderson

Writer/Stand-Up Comedian

seanacomedy@gmail.com

If you remember back to last week’s column, I did you all the favor of giving you my gambling picks for the wild-card round of the NFL playoffs.  But, in all actuality, I hope you DON’T remember back to last week’s column .  I went 2-6 on last week’s picks, including an embarrassingly pathetic 0-4 on the Sunday games and 0-4 on the over/unders.  Listen folks, I’m not a psychic.  Nor am I a genius.  To be perfectly honest, I’m not even sure what I going to write about in order to fill the rest of this column, let alone how professional sporting events are going to play out.  But if you think a weekend of bad picks is going to stop me from gambling, you obviously don’t know my gambling track record.  (Believe it or not, I’ve always done pretty well picking games.  It’s that damn Pai-Gow I can’t figure out how to beat.)

Despite last weeks poor results, I’m more than confident that I can fight my way back to a .500 winning percentage by the end of the Super Bowl.  Here’s my picks for this weekend’s games.  Picks are in bold, and my opinion is fact.

SAINTS (-4) and OVER 47.5

Before the season began, I predicted the Saints would represent the NFC in the Super Bowl.  Don’t get too excited; I also predicted the San Diego Chargers would win the Super Bowl, so my radar was a little off point (as always, I’ll blame it on the lockout).  The Saints are now my pick to win it all, and should have no trouble in beating the 49′ers.

A lot of talk is being made of New Orleans having to go on the road and play outdoors, considering they played in only five outdoor games this season, and four of those were played within the first six weeks of the season.  Don’t buy into it, folks.  This game features two quarterbacks that are complete polar-opposites of each other.  Alex Smith is a quarterback that will kinda/sorta “manage” the football game, will probably not lose it for you, and will do just enough to let a stellar defense win the game for him.  Drew Brees, on the other hand, will win you games.  Hell, he’ll win you championship(s).  Despite his team having an average-at-best defense, Brees lead the Saints to a 13-3 record while also shattering the all-time single-season record for passing yards.  He is that much better than any defense can be right now, including that of San Fransisco’s.

BOTTOM LINE: Drew Brees is that good.  The Saints lost three games this season: Week 1 against an obviously talented Green Bay team, St. Louis, and Tampa Bay.  That’s right, the Saints lost to the Rams and the Buccaneers.  They might sleep on the weak teams, but they get up for the big games.  And it doesn’t get bigger than the playoffs.

PATRIOTS (-14) and OVER 50.5

Gimme a second.  I’m still chewing on that fat piece of crow from last Sunday’s Denver victory.  I gotta give it to the kid; Tim Tebow played a great game.  Tim Tebow won himself a playoff game and lost myself a significant amount of money at the same time.  Tebow’s rise is a fun story, it’s a nice story, but it’s also a fake story.  Tebow is not that good, period.  He threw for 316 yards, but on 10-21 passing.  Even against a weak New England pass defense, you can’t expect to succeed when completing less than 50% of your passes.  And you can’t honestly expect to average 31 yards per completion in every single game.

Look, betting money on Tim Tebow is probably a lot like doing meth:  It might be kinda fun and work out for you the first couple of times you try it, but if you make a habit of it, you’re going to lose your house.

BOTTOM LINE: Bill Belichick wants this game.  I promise you he’s been doing nothing but watching film and watching Tim Tebow’s post-game interview for the last 12 days.  I picture him doing both of these things while sitting in a giant, Dr. Evil-style swivel chair in an underground lair, smirking evilly every time Tebow makes some comment about God loving his teammates.  (What?  Is that really just me that pictures Bill like that?!) His team will be focused, ready, but most importantly: The New England Patriots have been there before.

TEXANS (+9) and UNDER 36

There is something about this Texans team that I really like.  I liked them a little more with Matt Schaub at quarterback, but T.J. Yates is a decent quarterback.  He’s a lot like Alex Smith: he won’t win the game for you, but he probably won’t lose it (and it didn’t take him seven seasons to become that “good”, either).  Houston’s defense has been stellar all season (2nd overall in the NFL), and with Arian Foster and a healthy Andre Johnson, it really doesn’t matter who’s throwing the ball.  As long as it’s not Jake Delhomme.

BOTTOM LINE: I’m not necessarily saying the Texans are going to win this game, but I don’t seeing them losing by more than a touchdown.  If they can keep Baltimore’s defense and special teams out of the end zone, I really like the Texans plus the points.

PACKERS (-9) and OVER 53

Ugh.  Without question, this is the one I had the hardest time picking.  It seems like a no-brainer, but the no-brainers are normally the ones I spend the most time thinking about.  Go figure.

Here it is: The Giants win the games they shouldn’t and lose the games they should.  They’re a veteran squad with a lot of talent at nearly all of the skill positions.  They are playing at a higher-than-they-normally-do level and appear to be hitting their stride at the right time.  Having said that…

Aaron Rodgers and the Green Bay Packers have their first 40 plays of this game already picked, practiced, and perfected to an art form.  As horrible as their defense has been, the Pack offense has been nothing short of incredible.  With Brees, Rodgers, and Brady all in or entering their primes, these 2011 NFL playoffs might feature three of the greatest quarterbacks of all time by the time they’re through playing.  Granted, these 2011 NFL playoffs also feature T.J. Yates, Alex Smith, Joe Flacco, and Tim Tebow, so it does balance itself out.  But it’s just plain fun to think of all the talent there is at the quarterback position at this moment in the NFL.  And to think, the best quarterback of this generation didn’t play a single snap this season.

BOTTOM LINE: The Packers should be completely poised and in control of this game.  I don’t expect it to be a cake walk, but I also don’t expect the Giants to keep it close like many people have suggested they will.  Also, look for Eli Manning to be responsible for a game-changing turnover somewhere late in the third quarter.  You can (almost) bet on it.

Sean Anderson

Writer/Stand-up Comedian

seanacomedy@gmail.com

This is the first week of comedicprose.com, and it’s also the first week of the NFL’s 2011 postseason.  As a thank you for reading this piece, I’m going to give you the winning bets for all four playoff games.  Honestly, I’m just doing what every sportswriter does:  I’m going to state my opinion as if it were fact, and try desperately to convince you I’m right.

The key to sports betting is to never, under any circumstance, ever find yourself in a position where you’re betting on sports.  Nothing good will ever come from doing this.  However, if you find yourself having to bet on professional sports, you can use this column as a survival guide.  My picks are in bold and my opinion is fact.

I will bet ten (fake) dollars on every pick I make. I’m starting this column with 100 (imaginary) bucks and will keep track of the (invisible) money I make/lose by the end of the postseason.  My goal is to have 1000 (real) dollars by the end of the Super Bowl.  No, seriously.  I really hope I have $1,000 by the first week of February.  That would be pretty sweet.

HOUSTON (-3) and UNDER 38.5

My gut is telling me to pick the Bengals here, but my brain is telling me to pick Houston.   I’m going to listen to my brain because I’m an idiot.  Bottom Line:  Rookie quarterbacks in the playoffs are a lot like David Stern:  you can never thrust them.  This game features two rookie quarterbacks.

SAINTS (-11) and UNDER 59.5

*Spoiler Alert*  The Saints are going to win the Super Bowl.  Bottom Line: Drew Brees.

FALCONS (+3) and OVER 47

This game has GIANTS CHOKE written all over it.  The NFC East was an absolute joke this season, and Eli Manning gets on my last nerve!  This pick has nothing to do with statistics or knowledge or any real logic whatsoever, it really comes down to me not liking Eli Manning.  Bottom Line: That Julio Jones kid is starting to figure this game out.  He’s the truth.  And I don’t like Eli Manning.

STEELERS (-9) and UNDER 33.5

If ever there was an NFL playoff game that I wouldn’t be upset about not watching, this is it.  As a die-hard Seattle Seahawk fan/Pittsburgh Steeler hater, there isn’t a team in professional sports I despise watching more than the “Steal”ers.  The only team that comes close is the Tim Tebow-lead Denver Broncos.  They should market this game as “Christianity vs. The Rapist” just to get better ratings.  Allegedly.  Bottom Line:  The Broncos throw for less than 150 yards per game, and that’s against normal teams.  Pittsburgh in January is not a normal team.  The Steelers DST might be the highest scorer in football this weekend, but the NFL could be the ultimate winner with one simple marketing ploy.  Think about it, the shit practically writes itself: ”Tebow vs. Roethlisberger.  Good vs. Evil.   God vs. the Raw Dog.  Are you ready for some football?!?!”

Well, would you look at that.  I just wrote an NFL commercial.  Someone deserves $1,000.

Sean Anderson

writer/stand-up comedian

www.comedicprose.com/seananderson

I don’t know if you’re here by mistake, or if you actually plan your day around this post. Hopefully you planned your day around the launch of this site. I enjoy the idea of some desperate guy setting pacing while he watches the clock on the microwave thinking, “I wonder what the first piece will be in The Purple Drank (we’ll get to the purple later). The bottom line is you made it, and you’re in a good spot.

The Comedic Prose is the newest and eventually the best destination for comedy online. The goal of this site is to bring comedy content in written form (hence the name comedic prose) that you can then share with you friends. Then they will share it with their friends. So this joint can eventually blow up like Amy Winehouse on a coke binge (too soon…didn’t think so).

We’re going to bring you content in several areas. However we will specialize in sports, vices, and things we can’t control (That’s one of the best sentences I’ve ever written, and it’s the ultimate deal closer). If you went out with a girl and she said she was into sports, vices, and things she can’t control. Tell me you wouldn’t ask her to help you rob a bank (Ride or Die Chick style)

You will always be able to find that content under the Sports Section (sports), The Purple Drank (the purple drank is the best title for something that makes you feel lazy and relaxed. “Oh vices”), and Critiquing Overhead (things we can’t control). In addition to these categories there will also be a rotation of pop-culture, Media reviews, and an occasional comedy review.

Please bear with us over the next few months. Things will be constantly changing as we get the opportunity to see what does and doesn’t work. If you have any suggestion please send them here: Contact Comedic Prose. The bottom line is we will be bringing it.

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor of Comedic Prose

www.comedicprose.com/kortneywilliams