Sports make people do crazy things.  Whether it’s the Little League father who feels the need to beat up a Little League umpire for calling a third strike on their six year-old son, or Bud Selig deciding to start the 2012 Major League Baseball season in Tokyo, Japan in the middle of spring training, sport causes insanity.  As a fan of baseball and a writer of sports, I’ve decided to up the ante on sports-induced craziness by staying up until 3:10 a.m. and writing a timeline of the Seattle Mariners opening “day” game.   I’ve stayed up until 3:10 a.m. many times in my life, but the thing about baseball games is they normally last three hours or so.  I hope you enjoy reading this way more than I’m going to enjoy writing it.

3:10 – First pitch of the 2012 baseball season, Chone Figgins looks at a strike.  And with that, the Oakland Athletics and the Seattle Mariners have both been eliminated from playoff contention.

3:14 – After fighting his way to a full-count, Ichiro legs out an infield single to shortstop.  The crowd goes nuts!  It has the feel of a Safeco Field game … if fans actually showed up to Safeco Field and cared about baseball.  So it feels nothing at all like a Safeco Field game.

3:30 – Jesus Montero, in his first at-bat, swings at the first pitch and grounds out to third base.  Awesome.   I really hope all of you Yankees fans enjoy that Micheal Pineda guy.  In an unrelated note, I decide now is a perfect time to crack open my first beer.  It helps … nothing.

3:33 – After a six-pitch top half of the 2^nd inning, a commercial comes on for an upcoming Carlos Mencia show.  I immediately regret my decision to wake up at 3:00 am to watch a baseball game.  I should have just DVR’d the game, watched it later while fast forwarding through the boring parts and taking notes on the good parts and writing this concept piece, which is a concept that I stole from talented and famous sports writers, in a way that made you think I stayed up all night to watch baseball and put in the work necessary to do my job well.  You know, the same way Carlos Mencia wrote his material.

3:37 – Yoenis Cespedes strikes out in his first Major League at-bat.  This would make me extremely happy if not for the fact I drafted him in the 7^th round of my fantasy baseball draft.  If I would have spent as much time researching his athletic ability as I did researching how to pronounce his name, I probably would have drafted somebody else.  Oh, well.  In an unrelated note, I have finished my beer.

3:43 – After a leadoff single, Michael Saunders steals second base to put himself in scoring position with nobody out.  This gives me the smallest glimmer of hope that Michael Saunders learned how to play the sport of baseball during the off season.

3:43 – On the very next pitch, Saunders gets thrown out at third trying to advance on a ground ball hit to the shortstop.  That’s right, instead of waiting for the ball to get through the infield; good ol’ Michael Saunders decides to run on contact on a ground ball hit to the left side of the infield with zero outs.  I immediately realize Michael Saunders did NOT learn how to play the sport of baseball during the off season.

3:46 – A failed stolen base attempt, followed by a signature ground out by Chone Figgins, abruptly ends the inning.  Only 161.5 games left this season.

3:56 – HOMERUN DUSTIN ACKLEY!!!  Boom!  Man, I love that guy.  By the 2014 season, he is going to be one of the top-2 second basemen in all of baseball.  This is a fact.  Also, he will be playing second base for a team other than the Seattle Mariners.  This, sadly, is also a fact.  Enjoy it while you can, Seattle.  Score: 1-0 Mariners.

3:57 – Ichiro gets his second infield hit of the game.  I know Seattle is the “road” team, but it really feels like this Ichiro guy has home-field advantage.  Weird.

4:08 – After a lead-off double to start the 4^th inning, Oakland finds a way to manufacture the run.  The first lead the Mariners had this season is officially gone, and I enjoyed all twelve minutes of it.  Now, where did I put that beer?  Score: 1-1.

4:27 – CHONE FIGGINS HITS A HOMERUN!!!!  I’m kidding, I just wanted to get my own attention, I felt like I was going to pass out.  Figgins did hit a single, though.  That’s the equivalent to a homerun for Chone Figgins.  Good for him.

4:28 – Ackley steps to the plate.  For the first time this year, I realize that the pain of watching Figgins at-bats this season will be numbed by Ackley at-bats immediately following.  Nice.

4:30 – Ackley called out on strikes.  Is it September yet?

4:32 – Single up the middle by Ichiro!  He starts the season 3-3 at the plate.  Is there anything this guy can’t do???  I mean, other than age and drive a car well?

4:52 – Mike Carp catches a hard liner to get Felix out of 6^th inning jam.  I really enjoy watching Felix Hernandez pitch.  His mechanics, mannerisms, and pitch locations are absolutely fantastic.  I really hope Seattle can find a way to keep this guy a Mariner for his entire career.

5:00 – After a quick 1-2-3 inning by Seattle’s offense, Felix is back on the mound.  He gives up a leadoff double to that Yoenis Cespedes guy I was talking about earlier.  I’m so glad I drafted him in my fantasy league.  I’m going to have a beer to celebrate.

5:02 – Felix snags a line-drive up the middle to save a run-scoring single.  I love everything about this guy!  I wish Bud Selig would have moved the Mariners to the National League so I could watch Felix hit every five days.  Other than Ackley and Ichiro, he’s probably Seattle’s best hitter.

5:13 – After another uneventful half-inning for Seattle, Felix Hernandez strolls out to the mound to pitch the 8^th inning.  I feel like every game I’ve seen Hernandez pitch involves him standing on the mound in the 8^th inning of a tied game.  How does he keep his composure?!  If Seattle could score three runs every time Felix pitches, Seattle would win those games.  It’s that simple.

5:18 – A fly-out to leftfield ends the inning.  Felix has thrown 104 pitches, 66 of them for strikes.  One earned run and six strikeouts over eight innings.  Have I mentioned my Felix man-crush yet?  I blame it on the beers.

5:21 – Ichiro heads to the plate to lead off the top of the 9^th inning.  If there was any justice in sports, the Mariners would find a way to score a run here and allow Felix to record the win.

5:22 – Ichiro lines out to left field.  There is no justice in sports.

5:25 – After a ground out by Justin Smoak, it’s up to Jesus Montero to keep this inning alive.

5:26 – Montero flies out to center, inning over.  As we head to the bottom of the ninth, I’m not sure if I’m rooting for Oakland to get a game-winning run here or not.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m a huge Mariners fan, but I’m also a huge sleep fan.

5:32 – Yoenis Cespedes strikes out to send the game into extra innings.  I’m hoping this game will end before I have to type “P.M.” after the times.

5:47 – Mariners shortstop Brenden Ryan gets hit in the shin and nutsack simultaneously while tagging out an attempted base-stealer.  Ryan remains on the ground for a few moments, looking as though he is obviously in pain.  Basically, he feels exactly the same way I do watching this game right now.

5:55 – Brenden Ryan, the same Brenden Ryan who received a blow to the groin and shin a few moments ago, leads off the 11^th inning with a double.  I guess Brenden Ryan is sick of this game, too.  Let’s hope Seattle can score this run!

5:56 – Never mind.  Chone Figgins is coming to the plate.

5:58 – BASE HIT DUSTIN ACKLEY!  And with that, the Mariners take a 2-1 lead.

6:04 – After Ackley steals second base, Ichiro delivers his fourth single of the night.  This single scores Ackley and gives the Mariners the ever-important insurance run.  If Oakland scores two runs in the 12^th to tie this game up, I’m going to bed.  Hey, don’t get mad at me.  If you’re reading this, that means you have internet access.  And if you have internet access, you can find out how this game ends.  But seriously, thanks for reading.

6:11 – After getting a fly-out and a strikeout, Brandon League is a single out away from ending this game.  Let’s do this!

6:12 – A line-drive single up the middle brings the tying run to the plate.  This can’t happen, can it?

6:13 – CAN IT?!?

6:14 – A swinging strikeout ends the game.  And this sentence will end my night.  This is a historic win for Seattle; the Mariners have the best record in baseball and are mathematically eliminated from the playoff race at the same time.  Gotta love those M’s.  Goodnight.

Sean Anderson

Writer/Stand-Up Comedian

You can contact Sean Anderson at seanacomedy@gmail.com

If you’re wondering why Seattle Seahawks fans are so excited about the signing of Matt Flynn, pay very close attention.

Jim Zorn, Steve Myer, Dave Krieg, Jeff Kemp, Kelly Stouffer, Stan Gelbaugh, Dan McGwire, Rick Mirer, John Freisz, Warren Moon, John Kitna, Glenn Foley, Matt Hasselbeck, Trent Dilfer, Seneca Wallace, Charlie Frye, Charlie Whitehurst, and Tavaris Jackson.

These are the names of every starting quarterback in the history of the Seattle Seahawks.  Warren Moon is a Hall of Famer, but his two seasons with Seattle were at the tail end of his career.  Matt Hasselbeck went to the Pro Bowl and the Super Bowl, but he was never more than a top-8 quarterback at any point of his career.  I honestly believe Trent Dilfer is the most talented name on this list.  Unfortunately, the talent I’m refering to is that of being an NFL analyst, not an NFL quarterback.

Needless to say, the Seahawks franchise has had very little luck with the quarterback position.

On Sunday, Seattle added another name to this unimpressive list by signing free-agent Matt Flynn to a three-year contract worth $26 million.  Flynn, entering his fifth NFL season, will “compete” with Tavaris Jackson for the starting position in the 2012 season.  I say “compete” with quotation marks for two reasons.  1)  You don’t sign and pay a guaranteed $10 million to the second-most sought after quarterback on the free-agent market unless you intend on starting him.  And  2)  I’ve seen Tavaris Jackson play the quarterback position.  Yikes.

Flynn was drafted by Green Bay Packers in the seventh round of the 2008 NFL draft.  During his four seasons as a professional, he has started only two games.  During his five seasons at LSU, he was the starter for only one season.  You may be asking yourself, ”why would the Seahawks be willing to pay a guy with one season and two games worth of experience $26 million dollars to play football?”  Well, I’ll tell you why.  He just so happened to lead LSU to a BCS Championship win during the one season he started, and those two NFL starts were pretty damn impressive.  In fact, one of those NFL starts was the single greatest game any quarterback in the history of the Green Bay Packers has ever had.  Ever.  Better than Starr, better than Favre, and better than Rodgers.  Don’t worry, I don’t understand it either.

Now, before we prematurely name Flynn the greatest quarterback in Seattle Seahawks history, let’s pump the breaks for a minute.  First, the LSU team he lead to the National Championship was an experienced squad with a considerable amount of talent.  They lost two games that season, but both were in triple-overtime.  They were the best team in the best conference that season and had NFL talent on both sides of the football.  The started the season ranked #2 in the polls, and ended the season ranked #1.  I’m not taking anything away from Flynn’s accomplishments, I’m just stating facts.

And those two NFL games he’s started in?  He started those games for the Green Bay Packers, a team that has been stacked on the offensive side of the football since 1996.  Both starts were at home, one resulted in a loss, and the statistically historic other start was against a Detroit Lions team with a well-below average secondary in a meaningless game that was played after Green Bay had already locked up the top seed in the NFC playoffs.  I’m not taking anything away from Flynn’s accomplisments, I’m just stating facts.

Many Seattle fans have voiced their excitement for the Matt Flynn era to begin, and as a life-long Seahawks fan who has witnessed the last 20 seasons first-hand, I’m pretty excited myself.  But my excitement isn’t caused by the talent of Matt Flynn, it’s caused by knowing I won’t have to watch Tavaris Jackson next season.  This is very exciting.  Trust me.

Again, I am a huge Seahawks fan.  No one will be rooting harder for Matt Flynn come September than I will.  I’m hoping against all hope that this is the start of a fantastic career by a fantastic quarterback.  However, I won’t be betting on it.  The Seahawks, who are coming off of back-to-back seasons of posting a 7-9 record, still have quite a bit of front office work to do.  Who knows what will happen in the upcoming draft, but the offensive line, wide receiver, and cornerback positions are all ones that Seattle needs to significantly upgrade before they can realistically expect to compete against top-tier teams in the NFL.  They also need to find a way to get rid of the injury bug they’ve been plauged with for the last three seasons.  Bottom line, bringing in a quarterback with two games of NFL experience may be a start, but it’s most certainly not a finish.

Despite these concerns being very real and valid, the biggest source of doubt I have with Matt Flynn isn’t the fact he was drafted in the seventh round a mere six months after winning a National Championship.  It’s not the fact that he has only two games of NFL experience under his belt.  My biggest source of doubt is this:  Matt Flynn was JaMarcus Russell’s backup in college.  Yes, that JaMarcus Russell.  The Seattle Seahawks just agreed to pay $26 million dollars – $10 million of which is guaranteed – to a guy who played second fiddle to JaMarcus Russell.   Twenty-six million dollars to a guy who, just five years ago, was considered to be less talented than JaMarcus Russell.  $26 million dollars!  Man, that’s a lot of codeine syrup.  (LSU-Purple Drank!)

According to the NFL record books, Matt Flynn had the greatest statistical game in the history of Green Bay Packers quarterbacks.  Nothing would make me happier than for Matt Flynn to end up being the greatest quarterback in the history of the Seattle Seahawks.  But if you remember back to that list of names you read a few minutes ago, that feat shouldn’t be too hard for him to accomplish.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna try to find some LSU-Purple Drank.  I have a feeling I’ll need it to get me through this upcoming season.

Sean Anderson

Writer/Stand-Up Comedian

You can contact Sean Anderson at seanacomedy@gmail.com

Peyton Manning has narrowed his list of potential teams down to two:  The Denver Broncos and the Tennessee Titans.  Before I continue writing, I feel obligated to tell all of you that Peyton Manning’s career is over.  A week from now he will be 36 years-old, with three neck surgeries in an eight-month span, and by the time the 2012 season starts, it will have been 20 months since he’s taken a snap in an NFL game.  The two physical traits any player needs to succeed at the quarterback position in the NFL are arm strength and field vision.  The type of nerve damage Manning suffered will not only take velocity off of his throws, it will also limit neck mobility, which will ultimately limit his field vision. If Peyton Manning was anybody other than Peyton Manning, no General Manager in their right mind would even give him a chance, let alone a $15,000,000  (I’m looking at you, Daniel Snyder).

Having said that, this current off-season could potentially put two franchises in a position most never have – and never will – be in:  Having two of the greatest players at a position to have played on their team.

This week, Randy Moss signed a one-year contract to play for San Francisco 49ers.  Jerry Rice and Randy Moss, the two greatest receivers to ever play the game, will both have played for the 49’ers.  (Not to mention Terrell Owens, who you can easily argue is the third-best receiver ever, and played a good portion of his career in San Francisco.)  This is the equivalent to when Robert De Niro and Al Pacino starred in Heat together, but instead of casting Val Kilmer, they decided to go with Daniel Day Lewis.  (Sorry, Batman #3.)  And instead of filming the movie together all at once, they shot their scenes separately over a 20-year span.  So, really, it’s nothing like the movie Heat, but you get the idea.

If Denver can find a way to land Peyton Manning, the Broncos will have two of the greatest quarterbacks to ever suit up on their team’s historical roster.  I still believe Joe Montana and Dan Marino are ahead of both Elway and Manning on the all-time greatest quarterbacks list, but no matter how your personal rankings go, these four players are somewhere in the top-4 spots … unless you’re mentally challenged and know nothing about football (I’m looking at you, Daniel Snyder).

I can’t think of a single franchise – not just NFL, but in any sport – that has had the two best players at a position play for them.  The New York Yankees have had an unbelievable amount of Hall-of-Famers play for them, but few of them played the same position.  The Chicago Bears have had both Gale Sayers and Walter Payton, but Gale had his career cut short before he could reach his full potential and “Sweetness” isn’t the sure-fire greatest running back of all-time.  (Emmitt Smith and Barry Sanders immediately come to mind.)  The only franchise that you can argue has pulled off this feat is the Los Angeles Lakers, who have had both Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and Wilt Chamberlain (and Shaq) play for them.  But you can easily argue Bill Russell was better and more dominant than any of those three.

In the history of professional sports, I can’t think of a single franchise that has had the two best at a position play for them.  And now it could potentially happen – twice – in a two-week span.  In the same sport.

Personally, I hope Peyton decides to play in Denver.  If you read the first paragraph of this article, you know that I cannot stand the Denver Broncos.

I’ve heard people say that if Manning lands in Denver, it will give Tim Tebow the perfect mentor to learn from.  But here’s the thing about Peyton Manning; he’s a great teammate, but a horrible coach.  Manning is similar to Michael Jordan in the fact that even though both players know more about their respective sport than any human being ever will, they both have too much competitiveness and too little patience to pass that knowledge on and teach it to other players.  As great as Peyton is at the quarterback position, I can guarantee he has no desire to sit in a film room with Tebow breaking down defensive schemes and coverages.  Plus, I’m pretty sure Tebow only uses the film room to watch Passion of the Christ and old episodes of Growing Pains. (That Kirk Cameron fella is a super swell guy.)

In the end, people will undoubtedly remember Peyton for his remarkable career with the Indianapolis Colts far more than they will for the last few games he plays for Denver or Tennessee.  But the fact remains the same:  The Denver Broncos will be making a huge financial mistake by signing Peyton Manning, even if it does put the two greatest quarterbacks ever in those ugly orange jerseys.

Sean Anderson

Writer/Stand-Up Comedian

You can contact Sean Anderson at seanacomedy@gmail.com

The NFL season is less than a week away from being over, and now I’m faced with the same predicament I face every single February … the “what now?” predicament.  I am fully aware that other sports exist; the NBA is in full swing, March Madness is right around the corner, and hockey is, um, well … yeah.  I miss the NFL already.

The NCAA basketball tournament is always entertaining, but the jam-packed scheduling of the first two rounds makes it feel as though it’s over as soon as it begins.  The NBA can be great, but the lockout combined with the newest trend of creating “super teams” has made the league far less enjoyable than I once remember.  And until they implement dynamite and handguns, hockey will always be ”eh” to me.

The time between now and baseball season has always been the time of year I use to catch up on my movie watching.  With the Oscars less than a month away and sports season being in its short-but-consistent dip, there is no better time to get those Netflix envelopes back into steady rotation.

During a recent movie-watching marathon, I began to think about the connections between sports and film.  It may have been because the marathon consisted of Cool Runnings, Space Jam, and Seabiscuit, but that’s neither here nor there.  The connection between sports and film is one that has always existed.  Besides the obvious connection of movies being made about sports, there is also the “athlete-as-actor” connection.  Whether it’s Howie Long (Broken Arrow), Kareem Abdul-Jabbar (Airplane), or Shaquille O’Neal (ShaShamWow, or whatever the hell it was called.  Oh yeah, and Blue Chips), athletes have been appearing on the silver screen for decades.

And then you get the occasional “actor-as-athlete” thing; Mickey Rourke (Boxing), that guy who played Screech (Celebrity Boxing), and Ben Affleck (if you’re one of those idiots that considers poker a sport).  There’s a reason I could only think of these three examples: it’s because it never works.

But what if we were to compare athletes to movies?  Think about it … what qualities can you find in an athlete that would translate to the quality of a film?  What traits do both athletes and cinema have that would even be comparable?  What film would you use to describe Patrick Ewing?  Danica Patrick?  Wayne Gretzky?  Here’s how I see it:

Dennis Rodman = Donnie Darko :  Of the people who have seen either Rodman or Donnie Darko, most of them can agree they were both pretty damn good.  But even people who are actual fans of these two don’t really know what either one is about.

Anna Kournikova = Avatar:  Both of them look unbelievably amazing, both of them made a shit-ton of cash, but ask yourself one thing, “Are either one of these things good?”

Shaun White = Fried Green Tomatoes:  Honestly, I’ve never seen Fried Green Tomatoes, but it has the word “tomato” in the title and so does Shaun White’s nickname.  Ok, fine, that was a lame comparison.  How about Problem Child?  No?  Ok, what about Annie?  Problem Child 2?

Jamie Moyer = The Saw franchise:  Just when you think it’s finally over, it comes right back at you with another installment.  In case you didn’t hear, 49 year-old pitcher Jamie Moyer signed a minor-league contract with the Colorado Rockies.  He’s 49 years old.  FORTY NINE.  There are Phillies fans who saw him pitch in 2009 and thought, “I’ll be perfectly fine if I never have to watch that again.”  Just like there are Mariners fans who watched him pitch in 2004 and thought, “I’ll be perfectly fine if I never have to watch that again.”  Just like I watched Saw in 2004 and thought, “I hope they make 17 more of these!”

Barry Sanders = porn : Fine, I’ll admit “porn” isn’t a specific movie, but whenever I watch either one I’m simply amazed that human beings can physically do those things.

Shaquille O’Neal = American History X:  American History X was a great flick, but not nearly as great as Shaq was a basketball player.  O’Neal is one of the top-5 players in the history of the sport, while American History X is nowhere near the fifth-best film ever.   Both of them are great, however, and both of them have one part, one tiny part about them, that is so ugly, so horrendous and gross that in becomes unwatchable.  For American History X, it’s the extremely graphic “curb-stomping” scene.  For Shaquille O’Neal, it’s shooting free throws.  I swear to you, those “hack-a-Shaq” seasons made me feel like Malcolm McDowell being tortured in A Clockwork Orange.  (Damn you, Don Nelson!)

LeBron James = Pulp Fiction: When Pulp Fiction hit the scene in 1994, it was immediately recognized as something the world had never seen before and instantly became a pop-culture phenomenon.  The critics loved it, the fans loved it, and even people who didn’t necessarily like it still had to admit that it was ultimately great for what it was.  And what may be the most impressive thing about Pulp Fiction is the fact it actually became better over time.  As of this moment, I’ve seen Pulp Fiction roughly 1,487 times.  Put it on a television within my line of vision, and I will gladly make that number 1,488. No matter how many times I watch it I always seem to find something I hadn’t noticed before.  I can watch it by myself or in a living room full of friends and enjoy it just the same.  It is one of those rare pop-culture tsunamis that actually lived up to the hype.

Other than the year 1994, every word of the last paragraph holds true for LeBron James.  Although he hasn’t won a championship yet (Pulp Fiction won an Oscar for Best Original Screenplay), he will.  Probably this season.

I would also like to say, just for the record, any nerd who claims to have watched all of LeBron’s televised high school games is exactly like those nerds who claim to have seen Reservoir Dogs before watching Pulp Fiction.  I am both kinds of nerd.

Sean Anderson

Writer/Stand-Up Comedian

seanacomedy@gmail.com

The singer Prince once changed his name, and now the baseball player Prince has officially changed his team.  The difference is the singer amassed a large fortune before changing.  The baseball player will amass his after.

Prince Fielder’s new team – the Detroit Tigers - signed him to a contract reportedly worth 214 million dollars over the next nine seasons.  That number is big no matter how you break it down, but it looks even bigger when you don’t spell it out with words.  I’m serious, check it out.  It looks like this:

$214,000,000.00

Yup.

Upon hearing this news for the first time, the initial question you should ask yourself is, “Is Prince Fielder worth it?”  The short answer to that question is, “No.”  However, you have to keep in mind that there are maybe a dozen teams that could realistically afford to sign him.  Now, of those 12 (or so) teams that could have afforded him, is Prince Fielder worth it to them?   The short – and long – answer to that question is, “Yes.”

By getting Prince to sign this contract, the Detroit Tigers immediately place themselves on the already-crowded list of teams that will be dominant in the American League this season.  Despite reaching Game 6 of the ALCS last season, I can’t imagine many people were expecting Detroit to repeat that success in 2012, especially after losing Victor Martinez to a knee injury.  Detroit now joins the Texas Rangers, New York Yankees, Boston Red Soxs, and the newly upgraded Los Angeles Angels as the “teams to beat” in the A.L.  (However, you can never sleep on Tampa Bay, and Toronto is better than their record leads you to believe.  I told you the list was crowded.)

The Tigers will undoubtedly miss Victor Martinez, but adding Prince Fielder to a lineup that already includes Miguel Cabrera is a ridiculously awesome way to miss him less.  In Fielder, Detroit gets a guy who has averaged 40 homers and 110 RBI’s every season since 2006.  As a designated hitter – which I assume is where Detroit will put him – Fielder will be able to enjoy an even longer and healthier career than he would have in the DH-less National League.  If for any reason the Tigers need him to be more than a designated hitter, he’s a more than viable option to play at first base.  He’s a great teammate, a clutch hitter, and the biggest vegetarian I’ve ever seen.  And he’s only 27 years-old.

The city of Detroit is nothing new to Fielder, and the Tigers are a franchise he will have no problem becoming a comfortable part of.  His father, Cecil, played in Detroit for seven seasons, including a 1990 campaign where he would go on to hit 51 home runs.  (That was back when reaching 50 homers actually meant something.)

On top of all that, go ahead and throw in a pitching staff that includes A.L. Cy Young and Most Valuable Player Justin Verlander and the Tigers are a lock to win the American League Central this season.  There isn’t another division in baseball that has a bigger gap between its first and second-best teams.  White Sox, Indians, and Twins fan-bases all know for certain that their season-ticket packages will not include tickets in October.  Royals fans know this as well, but they’re used to it by now.

So, back to my original question: is Prince Fielder worth 214,000,000.00?  If you want to secure your franchise’s spot in the postseason for the next 4-5 seasons – and you can afford it - then the answer is, “Yes.”

Sean Anderson

Writer/Stand-Up Comedian

seanacomedy@gmail.com

After nearly an entire NFL season that came close to not happening in the first place, we have just four teams remaining with a chance to win it all.  The winners of this Sunday’s games will face off in Super Bowl XXVILMNOP or whatever number they’re on.  And no matter what happens, neither team will be the Saints or the Packers.

This time of the year has always been bitter-sweet for me.  On one hand, I know in my gut that football is almost over and that the longest eight months of the year are just around the corner.  I also know that I will soon have to acquire a life again.

On the other hand, I get to enjoy the most intense football of the season.  I’ve always felt the conference championship yielded better “football” games than the Super Bowl.  Don’t get me wrong, we’ve had some great Super Bowls over the last decade, but the final four teams that play for the conference championships are always playing at a top-notch level.  The week of constant media hoopla between the conference championships and the Super Bowl seems to drag the participating teams down.  One of my favorite bets I ever made was betting the under in the first half (24.5) of Super Bowl XXVLMXYZ (the one when the Saints beat the Colts).  Even though both those teams had high-powered offenses, I knew the time off was going to effect the flow of the game from an offensive standpoint.  The score was 10-6 at halftime.

But that bet was in the past…just like the picks from last weeks column!  After an atrocious week of picks during the Wild Card round, I came back strong last week by going 6-2, bringing my picks record to 8-8 this postseason.  Going 0-4 on over/under picks that first weekend, I did the complete opposite in the Divisional round by going a perfect 4-0.  So what does this mean?  It means I used up all of my gambling luck last weekends and all of these new picks will probably be wrong.  Enjoy!!

My pick is in bold, and my opinion is fact:

RAVENS (+9) and UNDER 50.5

This Sunday’s games were not easy to pick.  I can see both teams winning, both teams covering, and it being over and under…in both games.  Having said that, if I had to pick only one NFL bet this weekend to wager my entire life’s savings on, I would put all $878.46 on Baltimore plus the nine points.  I see this game being very similar to last weekend’s Giants/Packers game.  I’m upset at myself for not seeing it last weekend (I bet the Packers), and I’m not going to make the same mistake twice.

This game is the classic case of one team’s strength being the perfect counter for the other team’s strength.  And vice-versa.  (You get what I’m saying.)  Baltimore has a stout defense (strength), and New England’s offense is running at maximum efficiency right now (strength).  And on the other side, you have a (relatively) weak Ravens pass offense squaring off against an (actually) unassuming Patriot pass defense.  The same way Green Bay’s offense (strength) was shut down by the Giants D (str…you get the point), Baltimore will do the exact same thing to Tom Brady and company.  Combine that with Joe Flacco facing an opponent with a defense that even he can look great against, and you have yourself a Baltimore Ravens victory.

That’s right, folks.  Not only do I think the Ravens will cover the 9, I think they will win the game outright.  I know, I know; Tom Brady, Bill Belichick, home-field advantage, and Tom Brady.  I get it.  But everyone was saying the same thing last week about the Packers, too.  (Well, maybe not the McCarthy/Belichick part.)  This game will play out as a slightly closer version of this matchup in the 2009 playoffs.  And even if Baltimore does find a way to choke the game away at the end, they will at least cover the spread.  And then I will have $1,756.92.

49′ers (-3) and OVER 42

This is the game I went back and forth on all week.  When the dust settled, I went with the Niners.  Honestly, I have a strong feeling that this bet will be a push, as I have San Fransisco winning this game on a late field goal.  Here’s why:

Everyone thinks the Giants are going to win.  I used this exact logic last weekend when New York played the Pack in Lambeau (and I incorrectly picked Green Bay).  But that philosophy was flawed last week, for you see, not everyone thought the Giants would win that game.  Granted, a lot of people were riding big on the G-men last week (the line moved 1.5 points), and they did look impressive the previous week at home against Atlanta, but that was at home against Atlanta.  Deep down, I think a lot of us felt Green Bay would win last week, no matter how good the Giants looked the week before.

Which leads us to where we are now; everyone is officially on the New York (football) Giants bandwagon!  All aboard!!!  This game, as opposed to last week’s game, now officially matches the description of “one the Giants should win.”  Therefore, the Giants will lose.  It’s nearly a science at this point.

And if my hocus pocus, magic voodoo theories aren’t enough to convince you to wager your money and you want a real reason as to why the Giants will fall short this weekend, here it goes:  The 49′ers know how to tackle.  I can’t tell you how many times New York has thrown a 12-yard pass that has ended up being an 80-yard touchdown over the last month and a half.  It’s unreal.  Somehow, every safety and corner the Giants faced down the stretch completely forgot how to tackle.  Not this week, though.  San Fransisco knows how to tackle, they know how to cover, and they know how to win in the playoffs (I still can’t believe they won last week).  Take all of that, and add Eli playing in a 3,000-mile-away-from-home road game, and…yeah.  I’ll give up three points with a smile on my face.

So there you have it, I’m predicting the Harbaughs will face each other in the Super Bowl.  Given the choice, I promise you this would not be the matchup I would choose.  However, I have a feeling it’s the one we’ll end up watching 16 days from now.  And even if I’m right and this is the Super Bowl matchup, the two weeks of non-stop Harbaugh brothers coverage will be a living hell for the Ryan brothers to watch.  So at least we’ll have that.

Sean Anderson

Writer/Stand-Up Comedian

seanacomedy@gmail.com

The Seattle Mariners recently traded their young, healthy, all-star starting pitcher Michael Pineda to the New York Yankees.  I heard general manager Jack Zduriencik wanted to trade for a player named “Tebow”, but after realizing no major league baseball player has that name, he had to settle for a guy named Jesus.

Jesus Montero, a filled-with-potential yet unproven hitter, is who the Mariners received in the trade.  There were two other prospects involved in the trade, but I believe they were thrown in just so the Yankees wouldn’t be charged with highway robbery.  Look, I’m not going to say Montero won’t be good.  As I already stated, he has potential.  He played in 18 games last season and hit .328 with four home runs.  Despite it being a small sample size, those statistics show Montero’s potential to be a player who hits for power and average.  However, that’s all he can do.  And he has yet to prove he can do that over a 162 game season.

Montero is a 22 year-old designated hitter.  He’s not talented enough to play catcher, he’s not athletic enough to play left or right field, and he isn’t named Tebow.  The only position you can put him at is first base, and with Mark Teixeira having that position on lockdown in New York, he became the perfect piece to trade for a much-needed starting pitcher.

Enter Michael Pineda, the 23 year-old all-star flamethrower that New York received in the trade.  Most people don’t know this (because most people don’t pay attention to the Seattle Mariners), but the M’s have a horrible offense.  Scratch that…they have a historically horrible offense.  Over the last three seasons, the Mariners has been in the bottom five in every major offensive category.  Other than second baseman Dustin Ackley, Seattle has zero offensive weapons.  Read that last sentence again:  Other than our SECOND BASEMAN, we have zero offensive weapons.  (Ichiro is still better than his stats show, but he’s not the ”Ichiro” that he once was.)

As a life-long Seattle Mariners fan, the only thing I had to look forward to this upcoming season was watching the 1-2 punch of Felix Hernandez and Michael Pineda, and now that’s gone.  Mariner fans like to discuss amongst ourselves how low our pitcher’s ERAs can be while still maintaining a losing record.  “Can a pitcher really post an ERA below 2.50 and have a losing record?!?”  Doug Fister did just that last season before being traded to the Detroit Tigers, and Felix nearly pulled off this feat in 2010, a year in which he won the American League Cy Young Award.  (He posted a 2.27 ERA, finished with a 13-12 record, and won the Cy Young.  Yes, you read that right.)

Michael Pineda might not be as great as Felix Hernandez, but he was the perfect complement to Felix’s style.  That Felix/Pineda combo would have been difficult for any offense to face in a three or four game series, regardless of how pathetic the Mariner’s offense may be.  And now the “2″ of our 1-2 punch is a Yankee.  New York received a legit number-two starter in exchange for a position player without a position that the Yanks had no room for.  Plus those random prospects that prevented the highway robbery charges.  Well played, Brian Cashman.

As a Mariner fan, I’m looking forward to the day when I have a talented team to root for.  But giving up borderline aces for unproven designated hitters is making that day seem farther and farther away.

Sean Anderson

Writer/Stand-up Comedian

seanacomedy@gmail.com

If you remember back to last week’s column, I did you all the favor of giving you my gambling picks for the wild-card round of the NFL playoffs.  But, in all actuality, I hope you DON’T remember back to last week’s column .  I went 2-6 on last week’s picks, including an embarrassingly pathetic 0-4 on the Sunday games and 0-4 on the over/unders.  Listen folks, I’m not a psychic.  Nor am I a genius.  To be perfectly honest, I’m not even sure what I going to write about in order to fill the rest of this column, let alone how professional sporting events are going to play out.  But if you think a weekend of bad picks is going to stop me from gambling, you obviously don’t know my gambling track record.  (Believe it or not, I’ve always done pretty well picking games.  It’s that damn Pai-Gow I can’t figure out how to beat.)

Despite last weeks poor results, I’m more than confident that I can fight my way back to a .500 winning percentage by the end of the Super Bowl.  Here’s my picks for this weekend’s games.  Picks are in bold, and my opinion is fact.

SAINTS (-4) and OVER 47.5

Before the season began, I predicted the Saints would represent the NFC in the Super Bowl.  Don’t get too excited; I also predicted the San Diego Chargers would win the Super Bowl, so my radar was a little off point (as always, I’ll blame it on the lockout).  The Saints are now my pick to win it all, and should have no trouble in beating the 49′ers.

A lot of talk is being made of New Orleans having to go on the road and play outdoors, considering they played in only five outdoor games this season, and four of those were played within the first six weeks of the season.  Don’t buy into it, folks.  This game features two quarterbacks that are complete polar-opposites of each other.  Alex Smith is a quarterback that will kinda/sorta “manage” the football game, will probably not lose it for you, and will do just enough to let a stellar defense win the game for him.  Drew Brees, on the other hand, will win you games.  Hell, he’ll win you championship(s).  Despite his team having an average-at-best defense, Brees lead the Saints to a 13-3 record while also shattering the all-time single-season record for passing yards.  He is that much better than any defense can be right now, including that of San Fransisco’s.

BOTTOM LINE: Drew Brees is that good.  The Saints lost three games this season: Week 1 against an obviously talented Green Bay team, St. Louis, and Tampa Bay.  That’s right, the Saints lost to the Rams and the Buccaneers.  They might sleep on the weak teams, but they get up for the big games.  And it doesn’t get bigger than the playoffs.

PATRIOTS (-14) and OVER 50.5

Gimme a second.  I’m still chewing on that fat piece of crow from last Sunday’s Denver victory.  I gotta give it to the kid; Tim Tebow played a great game.  Tim Tebow won himself a playoff game and lost myself a significant amount of money at the same time.  Tebow’s rise is a fun story, it’s a nice story, but it’s also a fake story.  Tebow is not that good, period.  He threw for 316 yards, but on 10-21 passing.  Even against a weak New England pass defense, you can’t expect to succeed when completing less than 50% of your passes.  And you can’t honestly expect to average 31 yards per completion in every single game.

Look, betting money on Tim Tebow is probably a lot like doing meth:  It might be kinda fun and work out for you the first couple of times you try it, but if you make a habit of it, you’re going to lose your house.

BOTTOM LINE: Bill Belichick wants this game.  I promise you he’s been doing nothing but watching film and watching Tim Tebow’s post-game interview for the last 12 days.  I picture him doing both of these things while sitting in a giant, Dr. Evil-style swivel chair in an underground lair, smirking evilly every time Tebow makes some comment about God loving his teammates.  (What?  Is that really just me that pictures Bill like that?!) His team will be focused, ready, but most importantly: The New England Patriots have been there before.

TEXANS (+9) and UNDER 36

There is something about this Texans team that I really like.  I liked them a little more with Matt Schaub at quarterback, but T.J. Yates is a decent quarterback.  He’s a lot like Alex Smith: he won’t win the game for you, but he probably won’t lose it (and it didn’t take him seven seasons to become that “good”, either).  Houston’s defense has been stellar all season (2nd overall in the NFL), and with Arian Foster and a healthy Andre Johnson, it really doesn’t matter who’s throwing the ball.  As long as it’s not Jake Delhomme.

BOTTOM LINE: I’m not necessarily saying the Texans are going to win this game, but I don’t seeing them losing by more than a touchdown.  If they can keep Baltimore’s defense and special teams out of the end zone, I really like the Texans plus the points.

PACKERS (-9) and OVER 53

Ugh.  Without question, this is the one I had the hardest time picking.  It seems like a no-brainer, but the no-brainers are normally the ones I spend the most time thinking about.  Go figure.

Here it is: The Giants win the games they shouldn’t and lose the games they should.  They’re a veteran squad with a lot of talent at nearly all of the skill positions.  They are playing at a higher-than-they-normally-do level and appear to be hitting their stride at the right time.  Having said that…

Aaron Rodgers and the Green Bay Packers have their first 40 plays of this game already picked, practiced, and perfected to an art form.  As horrible as their defense has been, the Pack offense has been nothing short of incredible.  With Brees, Rodgers, and Brady all in or entering their primes, these 2011 NFL playoffs might feature three of the greatest quarterbacks of all time by the time they’re through playing.  Granted, these 2011 NFL playoffs also feature T.J. Yates, Alex Smith, Joe Flacco, and Tim Tebow, so it does balance itself out.  But it’s just plain fun to think of all the talent there is at the quarterback position at this moment in the NFL.  And to think, the best quarterback of this generation didn’t play a single snap this season.

BOTTOM LINE: The Packers should be completely poised and in control of this game.  I don’t expect it to be a cake walk, but I also don’t expect the Giants to keep it close like many people have suggested they will.  Also, look for Eli Manning to be responsible for a game-changing turnover somewhere late in the third quarter.  You can (almost) bet on it.

Sean Anderson

Writer/Stand-up Comedian

seanacomedy@gmail.com

This is the first week of comedicprose.com, and it’s also the first week of the NFL’s 2011 postseason.  As a thank you for reading this piece, I’m going to give you the winning bets for all four playoff games.  Honestly, I’m just doing what every sportswriter does:  I’m going to state my opinion as if it were fact, and try desperately to convince you I’m right.

The key to sports betting is to never, under any circumstance, ever find yourself in a position where you’re betting on sports.  Nothing good will ever come from doing this.  However, if you find yourself having to bet on professional sports, you can use this column as a survival guide.  My picks are in bold and my opinion is fact.

I will bet ten (fake) dollars on every pick I make. I’m starting this column with 100 (imaginary) bucks and will keep track of the (invisible) money I make/lose by the end of the postseason.  My goal is to have 1000 (real) dollars by the end of the Super Bowl.  No, seriously.  I really hope I have $1,000 by the first week of February.  That would be pretty sweet.

HOUSTON (-3) and UNDER 38.5

My gut is telling me to pick the Bengals here, but my brain is telling me to pick Houston.   I’m going to listen to my brain because I’m an idiot.  Bottom Line:  Rookie quarterbacks in the playoffs are a lot like David Stern:  you can never thrust them.  This game features two rookie quarterbacks.

SAINTS (-11) and UNDER 59.5

*Spoiler Alert*  The Saints are going to win the Super Bowl.  Bottom Line: Drew Brees.

FALCONS (+3) and OVER 47

This game has GIANTS CHOKE written all over it.  The NFC East was an absolute joke this season, and Eli Manning gets on my last nerve!  This pick has nothing to do with statistics or knowledge or any real logic whatsoever, it really comes down to me not liking Eli Manning.  Bottom Line: That Julio Jones kid is starting to figure this game out.  He’s the truth.  And I don’t like Eli Manning.

STEELERS (-9) and UNDER 33.5

If ever there was an NFL playoff game that I wouldn’t be upset about not watching, this is it.  As a die-hard Seattle Seahawk fan/Pittsburgh Steeler hater, there isn’t a team in professional sports I despise watching more than the “Steal”ers.  The only team that comes close is the Tim Tebow-lead Denver Broncos.  They should market this game as “Christianity vs. The Rapist” just to get better ratings.  Allegedly.  Bottom Line:  The Broncos throw for less than 150 yards per game, and that’s against normal teams.  Pittsburgh in January is not a normal team.  The Steelers DST might be the highest scorer in football this weekend, but the NFL could be the ultimate winner with one simple marketing ploy.  Think about it, the shit practically writes itself: ”Tebow vs. Roethlisberger.  Good vs. Evil.   God vs. the Raw Dog.  Are you ready for some football?!?!”

Well, would you look at that.  I just wrote an NFL commercial.  Someone deserves $1,000.

Sean Anderson

writer/stand-up comedian

www.comedicprose.com/seananderson

On Christmas morning of this year, I reluctantly agreed to go with a friend to Sunday church.  I have nothing against church, it’s just never been my “thing”.  I wouldn’t go so far as to say I’m anti-church, but I am anti-not-watching-NFL-football.   As hesitant as I was, I agreed because it was a good friend.  Besides, the NFL scheduled every game except one to be played the day before, and the seemingly pre-determined Packers/Bears game wasn’t kicking off until 5:30pm.  Church would in no way interfere with my religion.

Upon arriving, I was absolutely shocked.  Right there, in the house of God on a Sunday morning, entire rows of people were “Tebow-ing”.  If you are unfamiliar with Tebow-ing, it’s the unexplainable  phenomenon of mimicking the end zone celebration of Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m as big of an NFL fan as you will ever find, but there is a time and place for everything;   church on Christmas morning was neither the time nor place to be re-enacting an end zone celebration.

“Excuse me,” I asked the row of Tebow-ers in front of me . “Don’t you think this is a little inappropriate?  I mean, an end zone celebration in the middle of church?”  A look of confusion rushed over their faces.  I could tell I had upset them on some deeper level.  I’m sure it had something to do with their beloved Broncos getting slaughtered by a helpless Buffalo squad the previous day.

“What are you talking about, sir?”  They politely asked me.  (Those Tebow fans are such a polite bunch.)   I replied, “Tebow-ing.  Don’t you think it’s inappropriate to be Tebow-ing in a house of worship?”  Just then, a middle-aged man says to me, “Son, we don’t know what you’re talking about.  We’re simply praying.”

That’s when it hit me.  These people were praying!  Simply!  It wasn’t until this moment that I realized how significant of an impact Tim Tebow is having on our culture.  Think about it:  Tebow took a simple act such as praying, and by doing it on the field, turned his last name into a verb.  A VERB!!!  Can you imagine if other celebrities had the charm and charisma of Tim Tebow?  We would have a plethora of new verbs at our disposal.

I’ve taken the liberty of coming up with a list of last-name verbs to add to the list.

• Favre-ing -  Is Favre-ing the act of not knowing whether or not you want to retire?  Nope.  Most people know the answer to this simple question.  Give anyone the option of either working or retiring,  100% of people will choose to retire.  To call this act Favre-ing would be wasting a verb.  So, is Favre-ing the act of sending pictures of your dick to others via text?  Nope.  I’m pretty sure Brett wasn’t the first to do this.  In fact, I’m pretty sure the first person to ever have picture-texting technology was the first to do this.  (I know I would have.)  Instead, I’m reserving the verb “Favre-ing” for the act of playing football while wearing jeans.  Have you seen those ridiculous Wrangler commercials?!  I don’t care if they’re Real.  Comfortable.  Jeans.  Playing football in them is Real.  Fucking.  Stupid.

• Lewis-ing – Named after Pro-Bowl linebacker Ray Lewis, Lewis-ing is the act of getting away with a crime.  Here’s an example used in a sentence: “Jerry Sandusky has absolutely ZERO chance of Lewis-ing when his case goes to trial.”  I was tempted to name this act “Simpson-ing”, but I didn’t want people to confuse that with the act of ruining your singing career on Saturday Night Live, which is actually called O’Connor-ing.  (Sinead could have used a little Tebow in her life back then.)

• Prince-ing – The act of changing your name for no good reason.  Prince was the first mainstream celebrity I can think of to do this.  (Lew Alcindor/Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and Cassius Clay/Muhammad Ali did this, but with good reason.)  Although Prince did it first, many followed.  Chad Ochocinco, Metta World Peace, and, of course, Diddy.  Diddy has become so synonymous with changing his name, I almost named the act after him.  But “Diddy-ing” sounds like a euphemism for masturbating, so I went with “Prince-ing”.

• Diddy-ing – The act of masturbating.

And finally, last but not least…

• Anderson-ing – Named after myself, Anderson-ing is the act of hating Tim Tebow without having any good reason for doing so.  Outside of Tebow-ing, I can’t think of an act more common these days than that of Anderson-ing.  And I really can’t explain why.  Tebow appears to be a genuinely good guy.  His teammates love him, his fan base loves him, and casual sports fans who enjoy reading “nice” stories love him.  Which is probably the reason I don’t.

To be a successful NFL quarterback, there are many skills and traits you must have.  And while he may possess some of these skills and traits, he lacks far more than he has.  His footwork is sub-par, his throwing mechanics are flawed, and his football background before reaching the NFL didn’t set him up to enjoy any long-term success on the professional level.  When any of these points are brought up to Tebow supporters, they quickly rebut with “But his intangibles!  He has intangibles that nobody can explain with words.”  You know who else has intangibles you can’t explain with words?  God.  Which may explain why they play for the same team.

As a football purist, I have a hard time imagining myself ever not “Anderson-ing”.  Then again, I just found myself inside a church on a Sunday during football season, so you can’t lose hope.  Which, I suppose, will ultimately end up being the final definition of the verb “Tebow-ing”: The act of not losing hope.  But between you and me, I having a feeling a lot more Denverites will be Anderson-ing than Tebow-ing this time next year.

Sean Anderson

writer/stand-up comedian

www.comedicprose.com/seananderson