Sports make people do crazy things. Whether it’s the Little League father who feels the need to beat up a Little League umpire for calling a third strike on their six year-old son, or Bud Selig deciding to start the 2012 Major League Baseball season in Tokyo, Japan in the middle of spring training, sport causes insanity. As a fan of baseball and a writer of sports, I’ve decided to up the ante on sports-induced craziness by staying up until 3:10 a.m. and writing a timeline of the Seattle Mariners opening “day” game. I’ve stayed up until 3:10 a.m. many times in my life, but the thing about baseball games is they normally last three hours or so. I hope you enjoy reading this way more than I’m going to enjoy writing it.
3:10 – First pitch of the 2012 baseball season, Chone Figgins looks at a strike. And with that, the Oakland Athletics and the Seattle Mariners have both been eliminated from playoff contention.… Read More
If you’re wondering why Seattle Seahawks fans are so excited about the signing of Matt Flynn, pay very close attention.
Jim Zorn, Steve Myer, Dave Krieg, Jeff Kemp, Kelly Stouffer, Stan Gelbaugh, Dan McGwire, Rick Mirer, John Freisz, Warren Moon, John Kitna, Glenn Foley, Matt Hasselbeck, Trent Dilfer, Seneca Wallace, Charlie Frye, Charlie Whitehurst, and Tavaris Jackson.
These are the names of every starting quarterback in the history of the Seattle Seahawks. Warren Moon is a Hall of Famer, but his two seasons with Seattle were at the tail end of his career. Matt Hasselbeck went to the Pro Bowl and the Super Bowl, but he was never more than a top-8 quarterback at any point of his career. I honestly believe Trent Dilfer is the most talented name on this list. Unfortunately, the talent I’m refering to is that of being an NFL analyst, not an NFL quarterback.… Read More
Peyton Manning has narrowed his list of potential teams down to two: The Denver Broncos and the Tennessee Titans. Before I continue writing, I feel obligated to tell all of you that Peyton Manning’s career is over. A week from now he will be 36 years-old, with three neck surgeries in an eight-month span, and by the time the 2012 season starts, it will have been 20 months since he’s taken a snap in an NFL game. The two physical traits any player needs to succeed at the quarterback position in the NFL are arm strength and field vision. The type of nerve damage Manning suffered will not only take velocity off of his throws, it will also limit neck mobility, which will ultimately limit his field vision. If Peyton Manning was anybody other than Peyton Manning, no General Manager in their right mind would even give him a chance, let alone a $15,000,000 (I’m looking at you, Daniel Snyder).… Read More
The NFL season is less than a week away from being over, and now I’m faced with the same predicament I face every single February … the “what now?” predicament. I am fully aware that other sports exist; the NBA is in full swing, March Madness is right around the corner, and hockey is, um, well … yeah. I miss the NFL already.
The NCAA basketball tournament is always entertaining, but the jam-packed scheduling of the first two rounds makes it feel as though it’s over as soon as it begins. The NBA can be great, but the lockout combined with the newest trend of creating “super teams” has made the league far less enjoyable than I once remember. And until they implement dynamite and handguns, hockey will always be ”eh” to me.
The time between now and baseball season has always been the time of year I use to catch up on my movie watching. With the Oscars less than a month away and sports season being in its short-but-consistent dip, there is no better time to get those Netflix envelopes back into steady rotation.… Read More
The singer Prince once changed his name, and now the baseball player Prince has officially changed his team. The difference is the singer amassed a large fortune before changing. The baseball player will amass his after.
Prince Fielder’s new team – the Detroit Tigers - signed him to a contract reportedly worth 214 million dollars over the next nine seasons. That number is big no matter how you break it down, but it looks even bigger when you don’t spell it out with words. I’m serious, check it out. It looks like this:
Upon hearing this news for the first time, the initial question you should ask yourself is, “Is Prince Fielder worth it?” The short answer to that question is, “No.” However, you have to keep in mind that there are maybe a dozen teams that could realistically afford to sign him. Now, of those 12 (or so) teams that could have afforded him, is Prince Fielder worth it to them?… Read More
Then There Were Four…New England Patriots, Baltimore Ravens, San Francisco 49ers, New York Giants…Who Will It Be?
After nearly an entire NFL season that came close to not happening in the first place, we have just four teams remaining with a chance to win it all. The winners of this Sunday’s games will face off in Super Bowl XXVILMNOP or whatever number they’re on. And no matter what happens, neither team will be the Saints or the Packers.
This time of the year has always been bitter-sweet for me. On one hand, I know in my gut that football is almost over and that the longest eight months of the year are just around the corner. I also know that I will soon have to acquire a life again.
On the other hand, I get to enjoy the most intense football of the season. I’ve always felt the conference championship yielded better “football” games than the Super Bowl. Don’t get me wrong, we’ve had some great Super Bowls over the last decade, but the final four teams that play for the conference championships are always playing at a top-notch level. The week of constant media hoopla between the conference championships and the Super Bowl seems to drag the participating teams down. One of my favorite bets I ever made was betting the under in the first half (24.5) of Super Bowl XXVLMXYZ (the one when the Saints beat the Colts). Even though both those teams had high-powered offenses, I knew the time off was going to effect the flow of the game from an offensive standpoint.… Read More
The Seattle Mariners recently traded their young, healthy, all-star starting pitcher Michael Pineda to the New York Yankees. I heard general manager Jack Zduriencik wanted to trade for a player named “Tebow”, but after realizing no major league baseball player has that name, he had to settle for a guy named Jesus.
Jesus Montero, a filled-with-potential yet unproven hitter, is who the Mariners received in the trade. There were two other prospects involved in the trade, but I believe they were thrown in just so the Yankees wouldn’t be charged with highway robbery. Look, I’m not going to say Montero won’t be good. As I already stated, he has potential. He played in 18 games last season and hit .328 with four home runs. Despite it being a small sample size, those statistics show Montero’s potential to be a player who hits for power and average. However, that’s all he can do. And he has yet to prove he can do that over a 162 game season.… Read More
If you remember back to last week’s column, I did you all the favor of giving you my gambling picks for the wild-card round of the NFL playoffs. But, in all actuality, I hope you DON’T remember back to last week’s column . I went 2-6 on last week’s picks, including an embarrassingly pathetic 0-4 on the Sunday games and 0-4 on the over/unders. Listen folks, I’m not a psychic. Nor am I a genius. To be perfectly honest, I’m not even sure what I going to write about in order to fill the rest of this column, let alone how professional sporting events are going to play out. But if you think a weekend of bad picks is going to stop me from gambling, you obviously don’t know my gambling track record. (Believe it or not, I’ve always done pretty well picking games. It’s that damn Pai-Gow I can’t figure out how to beat.)
Despite last weeks poor results, I’m more than confident that I can fight my way back to a .500 winning percentage by the end of the Super Bowl. Here’s my picks for this weekend’s games. Picks are in bold, and my opinion is fact.… Read More
This is the first week of comedicprose.com, and it’s also the first week of the NFL’s 2011 postseason. As a thank you for reading this piece, I’m going to give you the winning bets for all four playoff games. Honestly, I’m just doing what every sportswriter does: I’m going to state my opinion as if it were fact, and try desperately to convince you I’m right.
The key to sports betting is to never, under any circumstance, ever find yourself in a position where you’re betting on sports. Nothing good will ever come from doing this. However, if you find yourself having to bet on professional sports, you can use this column as a survival guide. My picks are in bold and my opinion is fact.
I will bet ten (fake) dollars on every pick I make. I’m starting this column with 100 (imaginary) bucks and will keep track of the (invisible) money I make/lose by the end of the postseason. My goal is to have 1000 (real) dollars by the end of the Super Bowl. No, seriously. I really hope I have $1,000 by the first week of February. That would be pretty sweet.… Read More
On Christmas morning of this year, I reluctantly agreed to go with a friend to Sunday church. I have nothing against church, it’s just never been my “thing”. I wouldn’t go so far as to say I’m anti-church, but I am anti-not-watching-NFL-football. As hesitant as I was, I agreed because it was a good friend. Besides, the NFL scheduled every game except one to be played the day before, and the seemingly pre-determined Packers/Bears game wasn’t kicking off until 5:30pm. Church would in no way interfere with my religion.
Upon arriving, I was absolutely shocked. Right there, in the house of God on a Sunday morning, entire rows of people were “Tebow-ing”. If you are unfamiliar with Tebow-ing, it’s the unexplainable phenomenon of mimicking the end zone celebration of Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow. Don’t get me wrong, I’m as big of an NFL fan as you will ever find, but there is a time and place for everything; church on Christmas morning was neither the time nor place to be re-enacting an end zone celebration.… Read More