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Stand-Up By Me

Stan Van Gundy should still be the man for the Orlando Magic

Coaches are expendable. Players are not. That’s the traditional wisdom.

It’s hard to disagree with it. Someone try convincing the city of Cleveland that Mike Brown was worth more than LeBron James. Yeah, that would be impossible.

However, it’s time to do away with traditional wisdom in Orlando.

Sure, franchise players are incredibly hard to come by. These guys are your rare, one of a kind, Koh-i-Noor kind of diamonds only found in the British Crown Jewels collection. You don’t simply pick Dwight Howard’s up at the local corner store.  That’s why you have to do whatever you can to keep the gem, no matter what the cost may be. Well, supposedly.

The Orlando Magic have been patient enough now. Their patience was partially rewarded when Superman rescinded his trade demand, for now, and picked up his player option for the 2012-13 season. They had been given a reprieve.

Then Stan Van Gundy went to the media to inform them that Howard wanted a new coach, leading to one of the most awkward moments in sports interviewing history.… Read More

Steven Tyler Promoting Burger King, “I may Never Eat Fast Food Again!”

How disturbing is that new Burger King commercial with Steven Tyler (what a terrible introduction I just wrote. I sound like some critic from on high looking down through a monocle while wearing Larry King suspenders)? I may never eat fast food again.

At first I didn’t know it was him. I thought it was some kind of superimposed picture of Michael Jackson #TheKingIsBack. I thought the people responsible for that Tupac Coachella hologram went in business with Burger King, and decided to make us piss our pants. Once I figured that it was Steven Tyler I was even more freaked out, because he looked so dead (I found that ironic because if you eat enough Burger King eventually you will look like Steven Tyler. “That’s right! If you eat enough Whopper jr’s, you too can look like an 80-year-old woman with small tits.”). Why you would want someone who looks like that to promote your food is beyond me.… Read More

2012 NHL Playoff Hockey: Defence First, Ratings Last

NBC’s ratings were up a whopping 50% mid-way through the first round of the NHL playoffs. Savor those ratings NBC.

While the first round has featured such gripping matchups as Penguins-Flyers and Washington-Boston, the Western Conference has seen, to put it nicely, its more defensively aware teams succeed. The St. Louis Blues, Phoenix Coyotes, Nashville Predators and L.A. Kings have all prevailed against offensively superior teams.

Thus, the problem associated with modern-day hockey.

Defense is being rewarded and offense is being punished. While the NFL and NBA continue to make the game easier for high-octane offenses, the NHL is devolving. Teams heavily reliant on goaltending and sound defensive strategy are reaping the benefits of the NHL’s slow but steady return to the obstruction and hooking that made hockey almost unwatchable in its pre-lockout years.

While Tom Brady throws touchdown after touchdown and Blake Griffin, well, throws down, the NHL highlights are featuring save after save from robotic…sorry, technically sound goaltenders.  I like a great save as much as the next guy, but enough is enough.… Read More

LeBron James and the indictment that is his third MVP

LeBron James of the Miami Heat is about to win his third MVP. That’s right, “Not one, not two, but three (Cue the smoke and music ‘bum, bum, bum’).” With his this MVP, LeBron will solidify himself as the best player of his generation (I’m not sure this is breaking news. I mean who is better than him? The only person close to him in this generation is Dwyane Wade, and he not even in the conversation.), and it’s not even close. He’s better than every player of his era in all the important measurable categories, and he’s the only player to lead his team to multiple 60 win seasons (Derrick Rose did it once, but I refuse to make this article about his inadequacies. So allow me to leave that there). Now you add a 2012 season, where dude was on his Captain Kirk ish*1, and even the biggest LeBron critic would have to say he’s killing it (Shaolin style).… Read More

Reaction: Mark Cuban on Lamar Odom . . . “The Humanity”

I have a 14 year-old cousin. For the purposes of this article, we’ll call him JJ. If he died today, I’m not sure what I’d do. However, I am sure of what I wouldn’t do: go to work.

Lamar Odom of the Dallas Mavericks, lost his cousin and witnessed the dying breaths of a thirteen year-old in June 2011. His reaction: not going to work. Lucky for Lamar, it was also the decision of all of his colleagues during that July Summer which saw him bury two bodies, while still grieving the infant child he lost years before. However, on a fateful Thanksgiving weekend, Lamar Odom would have to face his worst fears: an NBA season, the challenge of work.
Now, while most people would say going back to work is part of life. It’s a luxury that nearly 10% of Americans right now don’t, and wish they could, have.… Read More

The 10th Anniversary of Kanye West’s The College Dropout…the Year Hip Hop Changed

It’s been ten years since Kanye West announced his arrival on the music scene with The College Dropout. Back then West was just some guy wearing cashmere Polos. This was back before he became a pop-culture controversy magnet. It may be hard for you to remember that far back, but try to take yourself there. Go back to before he stated that George Bush didn’t care about black people or jumped on stage drunk during award show, just to scare a teenage girl. Remember when you oblivious to the fact that he had an ego that was larger than Star Jones pre-surgery. Go back 10 years when he was just a guy that was just a genius producer.

The year before The College Dropout came out. Rap music was at a standstill. While the industry was healthy, there wasn’t any progress (that is also the definition of a stand still.… Read More

Why haven’t the Orlando Magic fired Stan Van Gundy yet?

I thought Stan Van Gundy did everything he could to be fired by the Orlando Magic yesterday. So, imagine my surprise when I woke up today to find that he’s still employed. I thought there was no chance that he would still be employed. As a matter of fact I thought he would be fired by 12 am. I thought they would take him in the proverbial out back and take him out of his misery (Old Yeller style). I had money on the under, and I was expecting to collect like Denzel Washington in American Gangster.

I don’t necessarily think its Van Gundy’s fault for the situation, but he didn’t help himself with that press conference.

 

I think Dwight Howard and the Orlando Magic share the blame in this whole controversy. However, Van Gundy exacerbated the situation, and now it time for him to go. This circus has to come to an end.… Read More

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John Calipari, Anthony Davis, and the 2012 Kentucky Wildcats…the greatest AAU team of all-time

John Calipari has done it again by leading the Kentucky Wildcats to the Final Four. Now the only question to ask is when will this appearance be vacated? I put the over/under at 3 years or a year after John Calipari leaves. I know I may piss off Kentucky fans with that assertion, but it will happen. That just the way my boy John does business. You can’t assemble the 31st NBA team without bending some rules. Just enjoy it now and brace for impact later.

I blame the diminished play of college basketball over the last 5 years on the ascension of AAU basketball. AAU basketball has directly or indirectly, created a lack of basketball IQ. The problem with AAU is that it doesn’t teach you the entangle parts of the game. Elite players don’t learn how to actually play, because they don’t have to. Elite AAU players are assembled with other elite players during the summer.… Read More

  • See Me Live, (Stand-Up Style) Comedy Showcase

    The first Sunday of every month Kortney hosts and produces a stand-up comedy show at Naked City Brewery & Taphouse in Seattle entitled, (Stand-Up style) Comedy Showcase Naked City Brewery You can buy tickets now on Brown Paper Tickets…more

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