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Stand-Up By Me

Seattle Mariners 2012 opening day diary, at 3AM

Sports make people do crazy things.  Whether it’s the Little League father who feels the need to beat up a Little League umpire for calling a third strike on their six year-old son, or Bud Selig deciding to start the 2012 Major League Baseball season in Tokyo, Japan in the middle of spring training, sport causes insanity.  As a fan of baseball and a writer of sports, I’ve decided to up the ante on sports-induced craziness by staying up until 3:10 a.m. and writing a timeline of the Seattle Mariners opening “day” game.   I’ve stayed up until 3:10 a.m. many times in my life, but the thing about baseball games is they normally last three hours or so.  I hope you enjoy reading this way more than I’m going to enjoy writing it.

 

3:10 – First pitch of the 2012 baseball season, Chone Figgins looks at a strike.  And with that, the Oakland Athletics and the Seattle Mariners have both been eliminated from playoff contention.… Read More

Sean Payton, New Orleans Saints Original Gangster

Just when you thought Sean Payton of the New Orleans Saints was remorseful about the bounty scandal. He pulls out his gangster.

I was never under the assumption that the Saints were sorry for the bounty scandal. How could you be sorry when you cover up a scandal for years, and then lie when questioned about it? Payton and the Saints said they were sorry because they got caught (Jim Tressel style). Also how could you regret doing it, when it helped you win a super bowl?

I’m not saying they won the super bowl because of injuries. However I do think the bounties gave the defense an extra incentive to do their job. And don’t give me the argument that it had no effect, because if that were true they wouldn’t use the program.

After punishment was levied, one would assume you would lay low, kind of like one of those gunslingers in an old western.… Read More

Jared Sullinger and The Ohio State Buckeyes win with their flaws

Saturday night Jared Sullinger led The Ohio State Buckeyes back to the Final Four. That’s right the Bucks with all their flaws are going to the big dance after knocking off Jim Boeheim and the Syracuse Orange men. Many people have already tried to diminish their accomplishment because Fab Melo was ruled academically ineligible for the tournament. To those people I would say, “Stop recruiting dumb people.” It’s not Ohio State’s fault that he has the brain capacity of a small dead bird. When you put a team together academics is something that should be taken into account, and if a player does something that jeopardizes their eligibility…well that’ just how the game goes1. It’s not like Ohio State didn’t have flaws of their own. They just overcame them.

Throughout the season Ohio State’s biggest flaw was their lack of outside shooting. Their best shooter throughout the year was William Buford however over the last week he’s struggled to find his shot.… Read More

Is Pittsburgh Steelers’ Hines Ward a Hall of Famer?

Now that Hines Ward of the Pittsburgh Steelers has retired. It’s only right that we evaluate his career in a vicious fashion (5-year-old girl beauty pageant style). You know how it is. When somebody retires we don’t have time to wait and reflect. You have to ravage them immediately like a woman 3 drinks in at a night club. You have to jump on it early, because anything beyond that is pass-out territory, and you don’t want to get the law involved in love. But I digress. It is now the perfect time to access Hines Ward’s career.

Actually who am I kidding? I’m not going to access his career I’m just going to discuss whether or not he’s a Hall of Famer. I don’t know why I tried to fool you into thinking I’m about to reflect of what he meant to football, or his impact on the game. I have better things to do.… Read More

Is Matt Flynn the Seattle Seahawks’ Savior?

If you’re wondering why Seattle Seahawks fans are so excited about the signing of Matt Flynn, pay very close attention.

Jim Zorn, Steve Myer, Dave Krieg, Jeff Kemp, Kelly Stouffer, Stan Gelbaugh, Dan McGwire, Rick Mirer, John Freisz, Warren Moon, John Kitna, Glenn Foley, Matt Hasselbeck, Trent Dilfer, Seneca Wallace, Charlie Frye, Charlie Whitehurst, and Tavaris Jackson.

These are the names of every starting quarterback in the history of the Seattle Seahawks.  Warren Moon is a Hall of Famer, but his two seasons with Seattle were at the tail end of his career.  Matt Hasselbeck went to the Pro Bowl and the Super Bowl, but he was never more than a top-8 quarterback at any point of his career.  I honestly believe Trent Dilfer is the most talented name on this list.  Unfortunately, the talent I’m refering to is that of being an NFL analyst, not an NFL quarterback.… Read More

Peyton Manning and the San Francisco 49ers should get it over already

It looks like the San Francisco 49ers have emerged as a serious contender for the services of Peyton Manning. Along with the Tennessee Titans, the Denver Broncos, and probably a mystery team that’s dumb enough to think they still have a shot. Your guess is as good as mine when it comes to where Peyton Manning will go. For all I know he may even end up playing for that for that arena team with Terrell Owens. If I squint hard enough I can see Manning throwing touchdowns in front of a sold out crowd of 500 people. All you have to do is squint a little and you can see you too. While you’re squinting, in between thinking about how dumb you look. Think about how much you really care.

The Peyton Manning sweepstakes has gone on long enough. If I see that grainy Blair Witch like video of Manning throwing to some unrecognizable figure one more time, I’m going to lose it.… Read More

Will Peyton Manning join John Elway in the Denver Broncos’ pantheon?

Peyton Manning has narrowed his list of potential teams down to two:  The Denver Broncos and the Tennessee Titans.  Before I continue writing, I feel obligated to tell all of you that Peyton Manning’s career is over.  A week from now he will be 36 years-old, with three neck surgeries in an eight-month span, and by the time the 2012 season starts, it will have been 20 months since he’s taken a snap in an NFL game.  The two physical traits any player needs to succeed at the quarterback position in the NFL are arm strength and field vision.  The type of nerve damage Manning suffered will not only take velocity off of his throws, it will also limit neck mobility, which will ultimately limit his field vision. If Peyton Manning was anybody other than Peyton Manning, no General Manager in their right mind would even give him a chance, let alone a $15,000,000  (I’m looking at you, Daniel Snyder).… Read More

Dwight Howard’s indecision with the Orlando Magic does not compare to the decision

Dwight Howard of the Orlando Magic is not LeBron James. Not even close.

Has everyone already forgotten the magnitude of the decision? Dwight Howard’s cat and mouse game with the Orlando Magic has baffled us all but it doesn’t come close to reaching the 9.0 on the Richter scale that LeBron’s decision did. LeBron James shook the entire world and changed the entire landscape of the NBA. While Dwight Howard is mildly disrupting it.

What is almost as mind-boggling as Dwight Howard’s Mitt Romney-like flip-flopping, is the amount of analysts who are equating this indecision, and even putting it above, “The Decision.” Sam Amick of Sports Illustrated says D-12 will be “every bit the villain LeBron James was in Cleveland” if he stays with Orlando for remainder of the season and signs elsewhere as a free agent.

Absolute nonsense.

LeBron James gave a sexy tease to one of the hardest luck sports cities in North America, only to embarrass them on national TV to create a super team in Miami.… Read More

Is Dwight Howard really doing this to himself?

The Dwight Howard and Orlando Magic situation is getting out of control. By out of control I mean this situation is making my head hurt. I’m actually nauseous. I think I threw up in my mouth last night.

I don’t understand what the Magic organization is trying to accomplish. I understand that they don’t want to let Howard go because he’s a once in a ten-year talent. But he doesn’t want to play for you anymore. The longer this situation goes on the worse they look.

A report surfaced that Orlando would be willing to give Dwight the power to fire the coach and GM after the season. First of all every superstar in the NBA has this power. Second of all how does this get out? I’m starting to think the Orlando Magic are run by Martin Sheen’s character in The Departed. This could end up being worse than the breakup with Shaquille O’Neal.… Read More

Jeremy Lin and New York Knicks, “Is there any Linsanity left for that guy?”

Jeremy Lin and the New York Knicks seemed to have come back to earth. By back to earth I mean, the same selfish team they were before Jeremy Lin lit up New York City for a week. You can blame it Carmelo Anthony or the schedule, but it doesn’t change what they are.

With that being said, I’m not interested in talking about the Knicks. They never said they were great. Mike D’Antoni never called them a championship team. Jeremy Lin didn’t stand outside of the Garden with a sign that read, “Just called me Linsanity.” No! The tough talkers were all those New York fans that poke their chest out anytime they get a whiff of something resembling hope. Now I’m talking about all New York fans. I’m not talking about Spike Lee, the kids in the 300 level, or those die hard guys that work nine to five. I’m talking about those knuckle dragging Neanderthals that get drunk on lite beer while they curse around kids at Applebee’s.… Read More

Washington Redskins, “No such thing as overpaying for Robert Griffin III”

It had to be done.

The Washington Redskins were in a bidding war that they happily won. Their prize is the most electrifying and talented quarterbacks to come out of college since Michael Vick. The Redskins may have given up a lot of draft picks but this sacrifice was one with the future in mind.

For a franchise quarterback, there is almost no such thing as overpaying.

There are no guarantees in life. Robert Griffin III could very well be the next Ryan Leaf. He could be the next Alex Smith. Heck, I don’t even think Nostradamus were alive today he could tell us what’s in store for RGIII.  Nevertheless, the Washington Redskins are doing the right thing.

I could go on for days about the follies of risking the future for the now. I chastised Hue Jackson for acquiring Carson Palmer. I questioned Julio Jones prior to Thomas Dimitroff’s draft day gamble.… Read More

Derrick Rose and the Chicago Bulls need to make championship moves

Derrick Rose and the Chicago Bulls need to strengthen their roster in order to be true NBA Championship contenders. Rose is going to kill himself trying to drag this team to relevancy. How they get better? I don’t really know. Maybe they trade some pieces or use a midlevel exception? Perhaps they could kidnap someone that can hit a jump shot. I think they should send Carlos Boozer to a basketball camp where they teach basketball players 6’10” and above how to finish at the rim. I don’t know when Boozer forgot how to dunk, but if does another finger roll. I’m taking him off my buddy list (How High style). On the bright side. He did stop wearing that honey glazed Hair Butter Mixture that was passed off as a dark ceaser.

The idea of tweaking the Bulls roster came up recently when Dwight Howard and the Orlando Magic played them in Chicago.… Read More

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  • See Me Live, (Stand-Up Style) Comedy Showcase

    The first Sunday of every month Kortney hosts and produces a stand-up comedy show at Naked City Brewery & Taphouse in Seattle entitled, (Stand-Up style) Comedy Showcase Naked City Brewery You can buy tickets now on Brown Paper Tickets…more

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